A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy at work around a year ago for a few weeks - we saw each other around a few times. Nothing more too it. He added me on Facebook the other week and we have really hit it off , chatting non stop, very interested in my life etc ,obviously attraction and good conversation, a little light flirting there. Nothing rude or sexualised) It seems like we would both like to meet up at some point in future once COVID restrictions have been lifted During conversation it lead to him saying he is unsure if he is looking for a committed relationship or if he just wants to have something more casual and see where it leads . He said after a couple of bad relationships he’s cautious to move in another one , however is unsure overall . How do I respond without putting him off ? I feel he’s being honest with where he’s at and his comments aren’t directly aimed at his feelings towards me as we don’t know each other well yet so there is interest towards me but nothing of depth currently bad we have only been speaking a week or so...However I am 100% at a point in my life where casual sex is NO and I am looking properly date someone and have that natural progression of a relationship . I want to be having sex with someone who truly values and cares about me ; not just go with the flow Ann’s hope it turns into something more. Any advice on how to approach this ; I’d like to meet up with him so we can get to know each other without having to get sexual early on, . But I don’t know what to reply ?
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male
reader, JustDad  +, writes (21 January 2021):
 I think you might be making more out of it than is necessary. You can’t jump to “committed” without first beginning with “casual”. Just let the relationship progress naturally and at its own pace. If you put too many expectations on the relationship too soon, you’ll just end up disappointed and frustrated. It’s great you both hit it off so quickly but maybe you should just try leaving it at that for now. Do you really know if he is even thinking sexual relationship right now? What’s the hurry? You’ve known each other for a year and you only recently became social media friends. Taking it casually and waiting to see where things go seems to be how things should naturally progress, IMHO. Maybe try keeping the horse in front of the cart for now. If it’s something you both want, you’ll both get there sooner or later. Just be careful to avoid trying to force a round peg into a square hole and expecting others to fall into the framework of your own narrative. The person that’s more suitable will be the person that’s already on the same page as you. Just enjoy the fishing for now and let the fish keep biting. You won’t really even need to set the hook for the right one. He’ll just jump in your boat.
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (19 January 2021):
 I agree with the recommendation not to pursue anything with a colleague, but as it will likely come up again with another man, you could respond with something like:
'I can understand that. I'd prefer to take things slowly and see where they lead before becoming sexually involved with someone.'
You can tweak it a bit, but say it as though you're agreeing with him. You're keeping the door open, without applying pressure while at the same time letting him know what your limits are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2021): If I were you, I wouldn't respond to what he said. I'd start a conversation on a different tack and at whichever point feels right and natural you can tell him, the way he's told you, what YOU don't want i.e. casual sex.
He's told you that basically he doesn't want to get involved in a relationship, but he would want something casual with you i.e. sex.
In my experience this man is REALLY saying, 'I fancy you, I'll spend some time with you to get you into bed, but don't expect anything else from me.' All the bollocks about a bad relationship blah, blah, oh please, this is textbook male speak for I want sex, but not a relationship.
He's laying his ground rules and priming you so you don't expect anything from him once he's had sex with you. All the connection might be real, but it can also be very easily created and there are very many online tutorials about how to do this.
Don't be fooled by him, don't rush into ANYTHING with this person. Don't take everyone and everything at face value. You don't know him at all, yet you're allowing yourself to think you do.
You're getting way ahead of yourself. Carry on chatting with him, but don't feel as if you have to reveal anything about yourself until you're ready. Change the subject would be my advice and treat him as a friend only. If he keeps bringing up the subject of casual sex, wrapped up in a pretty bow of 'something casual,' well then, you know how you feel about that and when the conversation is right, you can let him know that it's not for you. Simple. If he goes, he goes. You'll know then what he was really interested in won't you?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (18 January 2021):
 Maybe just take it with a pinch of salt and just be accepting of the fact that he has had a couple of bad relationships and want's to take it slow.
Maybe he is airing on the side of caution because he know's you work together and is thinking maybe if he started seeing you and it never worked out things could then become awkward at work.
There are big covid restrictions going on at the moment, and are more than likely going to be with us for quite a few more months to come, so dating for everyone at moment is hard for anyone in the dating scene, So intimacy and casual sex is off the cards anyway.
You both hit it off, and seem to get along very well. I would suggest that you continue to do this and just see what happens and where it leads.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): Typo corrections:
"It has been verbalized and clearly articulated, so what more is there to ask about that?"
*My correction about the fact you have actually met. Just realized the guy is a coworker; which is a no-no to start with. A point frequently made here at DC, but seems to be ignored.
Pursuing romance in your workplace is like trolling bars for pickups and one-night stands. It's as convenient as fishing in a barrel. The results are much the same. You find someone interested, and it usually leads to sex; but not much else...maybe drama!
Of course, he's going to ask you about yourself and stuff. That's called conversation. It doesn't mean much more than chat. If he was interested, you would have been dating since the times you first met each-other. He told you he's not interested in a relationship. He didn't come right-out and say he didn't mind having sex with you; because that's the part you have to figure-out for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): I can't actually read his mind, but I'll try and see it from his angle. He has made it clear he's not ready or looking for a relationship; so lower your expectations. It has been verbalized an clearly articulated, so what more is there to ask about that?
Way too often, we get posts from young-women who want to know why guys seem to drag their feet? Does it ever dawn on them that getting too anxious at the onset makes you visualize and expect much more than might be coming your way?
He talks nicely, thereby raising your hopes; and you feel good when you talk. Not to be cocky, but so what?!! Chit-chat don't amount to much. If there is real chemistry, and the guy is as interested as you are; trust me, there isn't a lot of pushing and prodding necessary. You've never even met. It's been only a week!!! If you don't feel any magnetism coming from him; then lower your expectations and just wait and see.
I think you're looking for something serious and he has already told you he's not. Why bother trying to plead a case when you've already gotten the verdict? If you assume he's just looking for sex, what's this post really about? How to make him like you first, while you delay sex? You haven't met yet. Take a chill-pill! Keeping talking and getting into his head. Listen! Stop attaching emotion until you know whom you're really talking to!
Here's a clue. He said he doesn't want anything serious or a relationship. That means sex is not off the table, but not much more is on his mind. Ball is in your court! You know what you're looking for, play by your own rules.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2021):
 Let's say ALL he wants is casual. You don't. So while you might get on like a house on fire, there isn't really a future here.
So BE honest. Stand your ground, you can do that without being hostile, you know? Just say I enjoy your company and would like to get to know you better but I'm NOT looking for casual. Casual sex is a no no for me, because I don't find sex a casual thing.
Then HE can decide if that is "too much" pressure or if he is willing to hold off on the sex part and just get to know you. And IF he can let go of his baggage and DATE you or "risk" the chance that YOU find someone who DO find you "good enough to date".
I'd also advice you to NOT jump in "emotionally" if all he wants is casual.
You can get along great with someone and NOT be a hood match what so ever.
You need to make SURE you don't jump into something YOU kind of know might not go anywhere, and then feel regret later on.
If you put him off, well then he wasn't for you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 January 2021):
 Instead of worrying about putting him off, why not put your needs and wants first and think instead of (1) whether you want to get involved with a guy who is already tentatively laying the groundwork for a casual no-strings relationship and (2) whether it is a good idea to get involved with someone with whom you work.
You have every right to have your wants and needs met. You state, quite openly, that you are NOT interest in casual sex. So DON'T HAVE CASUAL SEX. Simple. You can date/have a relationship without jumping in the sack. Get to know any potential boyfriends well and give them opportunity to show you they are prepared to put time and effort into getting to know you before deciding to progress to a sexual relationship. If they are not willing to wait, then they never were really interested in a real relationship in the first place and you can do better for yourself.
All this aside, think long and hard whether it is a good idea to get involved with someone from your work place. When/if things go wrong, will it be uncomfortable to bump into him at work?
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