A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a female friend who is in a relationship with a good male friend of mine. She has been a great listener when I have a problem and both her and her partner are valuable friends for me. The problem I have is that I have been single for a long time and started having feeling of sexual attraction towards her. I did not want to act on this as I would not want to lose either one as a friend or negatively affect their relationship and decided the best approach would be to see her less often and never by herself. I have since been able to account these feelings to the fact she is the only woman I feel I can trust with personal issues and find talking to her a great comfort. Since these feelings started however it feels inappropriate to talk to her on that level and they both seem to believe that I am avoiding them because of something they have done wrong. My question is should I come clean about the reasons I am seeing them less and if so how should I approach it.Thank you in advance for any advice you may give. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2014): Start dating, OP. Time to get out there and start dating women. Asking them out, or meeting them online.
You said it yourself, OP, you've been single a while and your mind is starting to play tricks on you. It's only natural for you to develop a sexual attraction to the woman you're closest to and as a great friend to you she has a lot of other things that make her appealing too.
OP if you open up to them you know how much of a risk that will be, you could lose them both.
All you need to do is redirect your sexual frustration and romantic need onto a woman you are dating, and when you talk to them about why you've been a bit distant you can be honest but just not completely forthcoming.
I mean you can tell them you've just felt it was time to date, that frustration at being single was starting to get to you a bit and hanging around them so often was making it a little too easy to be lazy about the whole thing and you just wanted to push yourself to find a woman. Or you can say the whole "they were starting to remind you of what you are missing out" thing, which is technically true too.
That way OP they know it's nothing personal, you also don't throw the fact you have boner for her lately into the mix and you're also being honest without actually making things awkward.
So get out there and date, even if it's not really on your list of things to do right now, losing your friends is not worth it over a bit of sexual frustration which you know this is.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Hi,
i am going to approach my reply to your question from a completely different angle/perspective.
Firstly, depending on how comfortable or confident you feel approaching your female friend, you may find it very therapeutic, to come clean with her & admit to her, that you have had more serious feelings towards her, hence the reason you are keeping your distance @ present.
Let her know that you are not trying to destroy things between her & her current bf, however, you have had these feelings for some time & you have found it hard to deal with.
If she is a dear friend & as i am a female myself, i doubt that she will tell her bf, what you mentioned to her in confidentiality, in fact, she may be very secretly surprised.
(Surprised does not mean that she wants you too, but that she is honoured, that you feel this way about her.)
Who knows what she may have felt for you in the past too, or perhaps she has always liked you too, as more than just a friend, although now she is committed to another.
I doubt your honest approach would cause any dissention between all 3 of you, so long as you tell your female friend to throw this information in the bin, as you just had to let it all off your chest.
I don't agree with those who say that love dies & that people do get over people with time, this is not always the case.
Many people do find it hard to let go of a past love, hence the decision to never re-marry.
It all depends upon the kind of personality that you possess.
If you are of a sentimental nature, letting go of your feelings will prove quite difficult.
Also, if things were so easy for all of us, to get over, then why do so many hundreds of thousands of people require counselling daily?!
I do understand where you are coming from & it would be quite a painful place to be in.
Do think very carefully about how you will approach her, if that is what you choose to do, be as discreet as possible, however silly that may sound, but do what your heart is telling you to do, otherwise you will be dealing with this for a long time to come & that is not healthy.
Normally, i would not suggest going with your heart, but in this instance, what other choice do you have? It is simply how you feel & we cannot help who we fall for.
You need to discuss this with a number of your close friends too, however, if you find that hard to do, speak to a colleague whom you trust, or even your local GP, as they're sworn to secrecy.
You will be surprised as to how many people will be prepared to assist, if only you would approach & ask.
Don't be afraid & follow the normal rules that society places on us, be daring & ask her.
The worst thing that can happen, is that she may be shocked, she may get a little upset, but i doubt that very much & even if she did, she will eventually come to realise that you were not being sleazy, just being honest.
Big difference!!
I am sure she will forgive you, whichever way you go. I mean, she has been your close friend & you ought to know her very well, warts & all.
Anyway, good luck, remain positive & hang in there!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (31 March 2014):
 Hmmm it's a tricky one.
If you confess, it's likely your male friend is going to get all territorial and either scale back the friendship or even end it.
We cannot choose who we fall for and I think you are right that this woman has given you emotional support and you have become attached...it's a shame but it isn't the end of the world.
Perhaps you need a period of time completely away from them to allow your feelings to die down,perhaps you can try dating a few people to distract you, but be honest with those ladies that you are uncertain about wanting a relationship at this time.
We all have the potential to get over just about anyone...love does die if we have enough space.
If you don't think this will help then maybe it is time to mention how you feel to your friends...I am sure they will find a solution for you.
Tough call but it happens. Time to steer your life in a different direction and break the emotional connection you have with these people.
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