A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my partner for eight-ish years. Some of those were long distance; about half were not. We've had some instability in the relationship, from my breaking up with him multiple times but we've also had some good times. About a year ago we moved to a new town across the country and I was hoping that the change in environment and out of grad school would put us in a mutually supportive position, one that would or would not ready us for marriage. But I've been feeling just as lost as ever. My major concern is how he treats me, he uses a sharp tone with me when he's anxious or frustrated and I'm scared to make him mad, not because I think he'll physically hurt me, just because I know that I'm going to get what feels like yelled at and I don't handle it well. I feel like I'm a very sensitive person and maybe overly so, some people may be able to handle it better than me. I was the student that used to cry if they got in trouble for not doing their homework, but at an age that most kids would not cry..I'm the person who if their boss told them I gotta be here on time, depending on how it's said, would probably cry (in private, not to get my way). I feel like I cannot handle a sharp tone from him, and that he doesn't have to take that tone or language with me to get his point across. Things like, I don't need to be explained that the pan in the sink smells and it's been there for X time, just ask me to wash it and I will. Things like I got a gift certificate to a bakery and we went and got all sorts of goodies and he got upset when we were seven cents short he was saying he couldn't believe we did this and I felt blamed and angry and ashamed because I felt he was upset with me (he tells me he wasn't, that he was upset with both of us, so, that's why I say "felt like he was upset with me"). I feel yelled at when his voice isn't even raised, because of the tone and feeling snapped at. Sometimes it sounds to me like he uses the tone and then tells me he's joking and gets all depressed that I can't tell. The other day we were driving and he asked me a couple of questions and each time I tried to answer he told me to stop talking, sharply, and I cried. So these things happen. I try to stand up for myself and tell him I can't handle being spoke to like this and it's not sustainable and he says it's likely we'll have conflicts in the future and that this is just how he talks, he can't tell when he uses an offensive tone and that he cares about me a lot and he's doing the best he can and if it's not good enough I should go. Today we had another moment where I told him I'd get him a walgreens shopping basket when his hands were getting full and meandered to it, and when I got to him he snapped at me, "what took you so long?" Anyway he told me he was anxious and upset about earlier events (that I also felt I got blamed for) and I said I appreciate your letting me know/your apology but I can't be talked to like this anymore and if it either happens again, or it happens and you don't apologize immediately I am not staying. He says he doesn't want to talk about it or hear it because I portray myself as an abuse victim. He tells me that he's not that bad and that I shouldn't expect anyone not to do this to me, and that I need help and need to go to a (mental health) doctor because he thinks I have anxiety (he has it and is on pills for it). I can't tell if he's right but I don't have insurance to do so anyway. i just feel like, even if I do have clinical anxiety, I don't understand why he can't take it into account and talk to me like I can handle. Instead he gets angrier that I'm upset. I'm just..confused. The more it happens the more upset I get. I've been getting shakes and I don't know..hysterical to some degree. I need outside thoughts.
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depressed, long distance Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 March 2014):
He can't take your anxiety into consideration and be more relaxed with you for the same reason you can't turn off your anxiety. That's who he is.
You do need help, but you also need a new boyfriend. You guys are totally incompatible.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (31 March 2014):
The two of you have extremely opposite personalities. One prefers to be stern and the other is quiet. I don' think there is more to it than that because everything you mentioned revolve around opposing personalities.
Whether you have anxiety or not, I assume you would need a doctor to tell you that. I doubt he will change because this just seems like who he is. This is something you must consider, if you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy of such an opposing personality.
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A
female
reader, Lola333 +, writes (31 March 2014):
What you are describing is emotional abuse. Go online and look for support. You need to see a counselor. Someone who will help you leave. You are shaky because you are being worn down and your self esteem is being torn down. I wish you the best because it is not easy to leave some you love. But you will be glad you did. Eventually you will find some who treats you well. Until then take care of yourself.
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