A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone I've never been in this situation before and I can't work out how to handle it.So...a guy I work with is interested in me and has been probably for about 2 years. He spent the best part of the first year texting me often and flirting at work which I managed to casually brush off until he seemed to lose interest.Now fast forward a year, he is being transferred to a different office but as our work group is quite close I will still see him often. His interested seems to have rekindled and he asked me out the other day.The problems is that whilst he's perfectly nice, I feel no attraction whatsoever and can't see us ever being in a relationship. I want to stay friends but I don't know how to reject him and still be friends. He's never explicitly stated his interest in me so I'm afraid if I bluntly tell him I'm not interested I'll appear self important and he could claim he was only inviting me as a friend. Also if this is going to continue (i.e. if he starts texting all the time again) I don't think I could stay friends with him as I'd feel like he would always be trying to turn it into something more than that.I told him I probably couldn't make it because I'm busy and I'd text him to let him know. So far my plan is to not text him back and hope he takes the hint. Any advice or better ideas would be much appreciate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2013): original asker here
i am overweight and wear glasses myself so that has nothing to do with it. he actually is not bad looking i just feel no personal connection whatsoever in terms of a relationship.
i don't think i'm obliged to give him a chance just because he asked - i see it as unfair to give him hope of something happening when i know it 99% won't and then i'll feel even more guilty when i eventually have to break things off. i have tried to feel something for him but i just can't. it's nothing to do with appearances, and i can't articulate why but i just feel absolutely nothing.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Unfortunately you will never be friends. Even if you are friendly, he will always want more and the dynamic will not that of friends. It's not because of anything you did, but once strong feelings develop the friendship is over.
If this is the first time he's asked you out, you can try hinting by not responding. But if he doesn't take the hint, you'll have to be blunt. Since you haven't dated if you can't do it in person, you could just respond to his text that you're just not interested in him romantically.
You don't owe him a date just because he has feelings for you. If you aren't interested, you aren't interested.
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A
male
reader, jtfletcher +, writes (3 January 2013):
Promising to text him encourages his behavior. You basically have to ignore him. Whenever he asks you out make up some excuse as to why you can't make it, and don't throw him any bones (e.g. texting). He'll get the idea, after a while, and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2013): Why don't you want to be girlfriend and still want to be friends with him? Is he fat, ugly and wears glasses? I hope you're not that shallow. Just because you don't have 'feelings' of attraction towards him doesn't mean that the potential for you to feel them isn't there? If you want advice on rejecting a man who is genuinely interested in you as a woman but you don't find him 'hot' then it's a shallow reason for rejecting a man who may truly & genuinely be in love with you.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Have you been flirting back at all? It's hard to believe this guy has been interested in you for about 2 years, texting you and not got the message if you "casually brush them off".
Perhaps you're idea of casually brushing him off is leading him on. Perhaps he's just a bit slow and not woken up yet.
Best thing, and this is coming from a man, is to be blunt.
If after 2 years he still hasn't got the hint then you need to tell him.
If a woman told me "I probably couldn't make it because I'm busy and I'd text him to let him know" then I'd reply with "hey, don't worry about it" and not text again.
Just do him a favour and tell him you like him as a co-worker but nothing more.
"You may not like this suggestion. It's just one option to consider, and it is a little more work, but for a few weeks you could consider bringing your lunch to work (it saves you lots of money to do this) so you can truthfully say, 'no, I'm bringing my own lunch- eating healthy'"
Bad idea. He might do the same. Just tell him the truth.
"Be professional with him but never flirty."
NEVER flirty. I agree.
"If he persists then you may have to be more blunt... Perhaps say that you're not interested in going out right now."
NO! DO NOT say that. the RIGHT NOW bit offers him a glimpse of hope and this guy has been clinging for 2 years already.
"And start a new hobby or activity that means you're busier at weekends."
You really don't have to make a whole new life for yourself. Just tell him you're busy. Tell him your not interested in him in that way and you've got a date. Just tell him.
This is why men think women play games. Just tell him :)
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (3 January 2013):
Have you been flirting back at all? It's hard to believe this guy has been interested in you for about 2 years, texting you and not got the message if you "casually brush them off".
Perhaps you're idea of casually brushing him off is leading him on. Perhaps he's just a bit slow and not woken up yet.
Best thing, and this is coming from a man, is to be blunt.
If after 2 years he still hasn't got the hint then you need to tell him.
If a woman told me "I probably couldn't make it because I'm busy and I'd text him to let him know" then I'd reply with "hey, don't worry about it" and not text again.
Just do him a favour and tell him you like him as a co-worker but nothing more.
"You may not like this suggestion. It's just one option to consider, and it is a little more work, but for a few weeks you could consider bringing your lunch to work (it saves you lots of money to do this) so you can truthfully say, 'no, I'm bringing my own lunch- eating healthy'"
Bad idea. He might do the same. Just tell him the truth.
"Be professional with him but never flirty."
NEVER flirty. I agree.
"If he persists then you may have to be more blunt... Perhaps say that you're not interested in going out right now."
NO! DO NOT say that. the RIGHT NOW bit offers him a glimpse of hope and this guy has been clinging for 2 years already.
"And start a new hobby or activity that means you're busier at weekends."
You really don't have to make a whole new life for yourself. Just tell him you're busy. Tell him your not interested in him in that way and you've got a date. Just tell him.
This is why men think women play games. Just tell him :)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Good idea to just not reply to texts. Though you could taper off slowly. By taking longer and longer to answer then and finally stop altogether to let him down slowly.If he does not get the message then change your phone number and don't give it to him.With the reply, 'Oh John. You know my work number, you can always phone me if it's important'After all you are just work colleagues.Don't recognize anything he says as flirting. Treat him as a brother. Not a potential BfYou may not like this suggestion. It's just one option to consider, and it is a little more work, but for a few weeks you could consider bringing your lunch to work (it saves you lots of money to do this) so you can truthfully say, 'no, I'm bringing my own lunch- eating healthy'If he keeps on pushing let him know that he's like a big brother to you and you appreciate his friendship but that you're not interested in dating right now.Be professional with him but never flirty.If he's smart he'll get the message.If he persists then you may have to be more blunt. Perhaps say that you're not interested in going out right now.And start a new hobby or activity that means you're busier at weekends.
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