A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I broke up a few days ago. Neither one of us was expecting it, but it became clear that we loved each other but we weren't on the same page and wanted different things. Our maturity levels did not align. The hardest part for me has been that he was the first guy I really let into my life. I actually liked him as a person too, and this was my first healthy relationship. He was my go to person for advice and anytime anything happened, I would tell him right away. We spent a lot of time together each week and he lives 0.3 miles from me. I am really struggling to move on from this. I've made plans with friends and kept busy, but the only person I really want to be with is him. There is just this huge absence in my life that I don't know how to fill. I also am afraid to go out in my neighborhood because I feel like every place has memories of ours and I don't want to run into him. He explored the area and did a lot more with me, but I don't think he will Do as much with his friends because they didn't do as much as we did. I'm also grappling with the "why did this happen to me?" I know that's such a counterproductive question, but I can't wrap my head around why such a healthy relationship with 2 really kind people that was going well had to end. I get that we weren't getting more serious/ had much of a future, but why couldn't we? I've been out of the house each day, making plans with friends, working, and I've made sure to exercise each day and eat healthy foods. I've been journaling and meditating. We haven't contacted each other, and I deleted him from most social media so that I wouldn't check in on what he's doing. Im just lonely, and I hate that because before we dated, I was happily single for a while. So I let someone in and get my heart smashed! I'm doing my best to move on. I'm in need of some good breakup advice. I don't want to take forever to move on from this. I've worked really hard to be happy in life and love the neighborhood I live in, so even though we have memories I don't want to leave. How do I handle moving forward?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 May 2017):
 You are doing everything right, you just need to be patient now, it is going to take longer than a few days to get over someone. You just need to accept that it will be like this for a while, but it will get better. The more time apart you spend the easier it will become, you are basically grieving the end off a relationship, allow your friends to be there for you, cry if you need to cry.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 May 2017):
 When someone passes away, do you get over it in a few days? No.
Relationships are the same. Give it time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2017): You don't get-over a breakup in just a matter of a few days. You've suffered a loss and that brings on grief. It's a fresh wound, and a deep one!
You will have some gloomy periods and a strong impulse to call him; but resist the urge. You are undergoing your detachment-process; similar to coming-down off an addictive narcotic. The bonding-process at the beginning of your relationship released a lot of brain-chemicals, called the "love-hormones."
When we fall in-love, the brain produces dopamine, vasopresson, norepinephrine, and seratonin. So every-time you touch someone you truly care for; these chemicals are released and give you that warm fuzzy feeling. So when that supply is suddenly shut-off, your reaction is just like withdrawal. Same areas of the brain are affected as a person going through drug-withdrawal. That's why it's so powerful and lingers for awhile. You have to go cold-turkey, but the symptoms are an emotional roller-coaster. Up one day, and you're totally down the next. Been there, and done that!
Being as young as you are, it will not last but maybe a few weeks. I mean the worst part of it. The intensity will start to die-down; but you will have a series of small relapses. That's totally normal. You will ruminate on the good-ole days, and sometimes have intense dreams. Fight the urge to cry, but allow yourself moments to let the feelings flow.
Resist post-breakup sex. The guy is the one who will usually initiate it; but it's the female whose emotions are affected the worst. He will remember that it's over and distance himself; while you'll start second-guessing if you did the right thing by breaking-up. That is snatching off the scab, my dear! You'll go back to square-one!
Avoid being a drama-queen. Don't let your emotions get out of hand. You still have to behave like a rational adult. This is a training-exercise for life. Many people fall apart, and go into a deep depression or despair. That's not necessary. Separation for whatever reason from a loved-one causes grief and a feeling of loss. We should never let grief overcome us to the degree we become dysfunctional or incapacitated. You are young; so this will happen again a few times over a life-time. You must be resilient. You've got to pull through it, sweetheart!
It will not take forever; but even a few hours can sometimes seem like days or weeks. That's how it feels when you loved someone and you suddenly have to let go. I've been through it, and I know exactly how it feels. You hear a song, or you accidentally find something they left behind, or a friend mentions their name. You feel you're going to go to pieces.
But don't! Hold it together. Pretend you're okay, just like you're doing. The subconscious-mind has to first come to grips with the breakup; then it will ease-up on fighting it. It wants to deny that it happened, it wants everything to fall back into place just like it used to be. Your actions have to show that things are different, but you have to go on. Then the mind and your heart will catch-up.
I can't give you a hug, but I can give you words of comfort.
Don't forget to hug your mother and father. Snuggle with your siblings, because family-love gives you that boost of energy and strength you need. The physical exercise charges your batteries; and you take-out your frustrations in a positive way. It's an up-hill climb only for the first phase. Then you'll feel a little numb. Thoughts about him will skip your mind. Your lady-friends will give you that special-attention and support that women give so naturally and powerfully. Careful not to wallow in self-pity or drown your friends in your sorrows. They can only take so much before they'll avoid you. They shouldn't have nurse-maid your feelings 24/7. You're a big-girl now!
No drugs or getting drunk! That's weakness and self-destructive behavior! Blow-off your steam by doing stuff you like. Dress-up, hang with the girls; but avoid rebound-flirtations and showing-off in-front of guys. The first impulse it to let-loose and go crazy. The heart is frustrated, don't listen to it.
The real power comes from within. Determination to move on, embrace your independence, and to survive on your love-reserve stored-away for yourself. Never give all of you to any man. Save some for yourself. That's what gets you through the grief. Like when a loved-one passes on, the mind accepts they will not return. So you'll continue to survive. The same goes for when you let go of a lover. You accept they are moving on; and you are going into the next chapter of your life.
Good luck, sweetheart! Comeback when you need more!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2017): Everything you're feeling is normal. It takes more than a few days or even weeks to feel better after a breakup. This person was a huge part of your life. You're doing everything right, just give it time.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 May 2017):
 I agree with YCBS in that you sound like you're doing everything you can be at the moment.
It's still very raw, just give it time. Don't rush into speaking to anyone new hoping that will make things easier, because it wont and it's also not fair on the other person.
Again, like YCBS said, some people we have a great connection with and it feels like it's meant to be, but for whatever reason something gets in the way and makes it so it can't happen. It may not make sense, but it also means that they weren't the right person for you and there is somebody else out there that is, you just need to keep on searching.
Whenever you're missing him, you need to remind yourself of why things weren't working and that you will find someone one day that you wont have those issues with.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 May 2017):
 It's only been a few days. Nobody got over a break up in a few days - unless the relationship had been dying for a long time and they were totally prepared for it to end. Or unless they are totally cold hearted.
You sound to be doing as much as you can to get over this. Sadly there is no short cut to get over grief or loss. If you find yourself yearning for him, remind yourself why you had to break up.
No matter how wonderful people are, sometimes they are just not long term material.
I have heard an estimate that, for every year we are with someone, it takes at least a month to get over them. Hang in there. It WILL get easier.
In the meantime, sending hugs.
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