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anonymous
writes:I have a daughter who is in a relationship with an atheist man. In order to be with him and out of our disapproving sight she moved far away. Now she wants to reconcile with us and come back home. We are willing to reconcile with her, but not if she wonts to continue her relationship with this man. We stand firm in that if he is not a Jew then we can't see her being with him. WE cannot approve of her doing something that will be terribly detrimental for herself and her future.I am not sure what to do, as I do love my daughter, but not her choice for a possible husband. How do I keep the doors open to my daughter without being too harsh?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2014): I'm one of the anon answers and I understand very well. I come from a non religious background. My father is jewish, my mother was protestant- when he married my mother she offered to convert and he said no because he was no longer religious and there was nothing to convert to- still he is very jewish in many ways without any religious belief. His parents were not too happy with the situation initially, but they never considered disowning anyone or sitting shiva, that is so ridiculous. They ended up liking my mother more than my uncle's wife who was jewish although she had been raised as christian after an adoption. My friend's situation was similar, although she is quite religious. Her daughter picked a non jewish boyfriend and her mother was horrified and very depressed. Now that they have married, she has accepted the whole situation and loves her new grandchild. Anyone who would seriously consider disowning their own family due to a situation like this is just plain STUPID!! People like this need to grow up and be thankful they don't have real problems. OP, if I were you I would do some serious soul searching and work on yourself, clearly you have issues which need attention.
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reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 One piece of advice: just watch that movie, it could help --- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_%28film%29
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2014):
 OP (original poster, in case you don't know that term), you've had 20 answers. Do you have any followup that will help people provide advice. A lot of people have taken the time to consider your situation and compose a reply, it would be courteous to respond. Thank you.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2014):
 Dear Friends and other Aunties and Uncles,
With all DUE RESPECT, (and the gang of regulars knows I respect them deeply) I do not think as "outsiders" you get the severity of this issue. Cindy seems to touch on it more than anyone.
Judaism is not only a religion it is a culture and an ethnicity that is so foreign to most of you (from the point of view of being an insider) that you are not grasping the fundamental issues.
This is NOT about the young man being atheist. His being Muslim or Methodist or Lutheran or Episcopalian or Protestant would be just as bad for this mother.
The BRIDE can NOT have a Jewish wedding if she marries a "shegeitz" (the term for non-Jewish man in Yiddish). There are almost NO Rabbi's that will perform the ceremony. Occasionally around here you will find a reformed CANTOR that will perform a mixed marriage but here where I live there is NO shot at a full Jewish ceremony with a proper official if you marry outside of the faith.
It's not that the beliefs are slightly different, Judaism is a totally different belief system and has very different codes of laws. Gentiles have 10 commandments. Jews have 635! Our lifestyle is different even in this day and age.
Laws that apply to the general population and gentiles do NOT apply to observant Jews.
In addition, EVEN if you are a NON-observant Jew (as I am) you still IDENTIFY as Jewish. I know folks who are "Jewish atheists or agnostics" It's way beyond the belief that we hold ourselves seperate, that Christ was NOT the messiah or that there is no G-D.
yes we try to help but the truth is you are all totally unaware of the pressure that is placed on Jewish children.
Growing up I was told "you MAY NOT date boys that are NOT jewish" and I did not.
we go to youth group just to meet boys that we can date.
My first NON-jewish boyfriend in college was a very stressful time for me. My parents wanted me to come home and i didn't dare tell them I was dating a boy that was NOT Jewish. My mother actually called and asked why I had not been home to visit. I hemmed and hawed and finally she said "you're dating a boy that's not Jewish aren't you?" THAT'S HOW serious this is for the OP guys.
It's not about him having NO religion it's about him being NOT JEWISH. In the Jewish Community it's how we are raised.
Like I said in my original post, my ex husband and his wife (who have become orthodox over the last few years) are so destroyed by my son dating non-jewish girls that they have disowned him. Sitting Shiva is what we do for DEAD people.
THEY consider my son dead to them because of his decision to Marry a gentile girl. NEITHER of the kids are religious and do not care. But this is tragic for his stepmother and father. I just want my kid happy and since I live a non-practicing lifestyle it's not a big deal to me.
It's a HUGE deal to many. I feel badly for the OP
OP, have you discussed this with your Rabbi?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I am the 18 year old poster, so I will mark at the end so you know for future updates.I do not envy the challenge you are up against. Your heart is being pulled in to directions. One is your commitment to your religion and one is the daughter, your flesh and blood, who you have raised through the good and the bad times.God is forgiving, and you must ask yourselves, would He want you to effectively disown your daughter because she is in love with someone who isn't a Jew but makes her very happy and is (presumably) a good person?Could you try meeting him a few times, so that you can get to know him as a person? You would have to ignore your inner conflict, for the time being, and focus on who he is as a person. Is he nice? Polite? Respectful? Does he treat your daughter well?I am not anti-God; I am someone who is open to the world. I feel that, if I am a good person in this life, that is what matters while I'm still alive. I have no proof that there is or isn't a God(s), so I shall not cast judgement on those who believe differently to me.However, excuse my ignorance and I hope I don't offend anyone, but I refuse to believe that a God(s) who loves you and is known for forgiveness would expect or want you, good people, to (potentially permanently) damage your relationship with your daughter because she is in love with another good person. Your daughter is not trying to phase you or her beliefs out, she wants to find a way to combine both in her life - hence her reaching out to you.I know there are many good Jewish men out there, just as there are of any religion, but this is a question that I hope you can answer (to yourself) to show you what means more to you in this situation and it will hopefully reveal to you what you must do. Would you rather your daughter married an Atheist who treated her well, was respectful of your beliefs, and was a good person, or would you rather she married a Jewish man who was borderline abusive, slammed other religions, and was a rude person?The religion doesn't make the person, the personality does; there are good people and bad people, but their religion isn't relevant to it.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 May 2014):
 I suspect that the problem is not that the guy is an atheist, either palatable or unpalatable, the problem is that he is a non-Jew.
I also suspect that most responders do not realize how difficult it is for these parents. " Religion " does not mean the same for all of us, for most it is just one of the many adjectives we can use to describe ourselves ... a Jew ( or a Christian, etc. )... an American..a vegetarian...a Pisces...a husband... ONE of the thousands things you can say about yourself. But for SOME people, religion is the core, the essence , the cornerstone of their lives. Being a Jew ( or a Christian etc. etc.) means LIVING as a Jew and in this light for some people marrying someone who serves a different god - or no god at all- makes as much sense as saying : I am going to marry a cat, or a fish.
These parents come off as hard-hearted , unloving, uncaring- they are invited to show tolerance. A poster wonders , would God would disown you because you don't do what he wants ? The answer is : oh yes, you bet. In many religious currents and traditions . Because what counts is the will of God, not the individual earthly , temporary happiness. A Muslim woman GETS disowned for marrying a non-Muslim. And you don't have to be a very militant, staunch Catholic, to know that you are not supposed to be unevenly yoked.
Some religions ask you to bear witness of your faith with your choices : God, or getting along . God, or being nice, open minded, tolerant. God, or your own daugther.
For us it's easy to say , aw come on, this is a no brainer : your daughter is an adult, she is her own person, entitled to your respect whatever choice she makes, you just have to be happy if she is happy.
Happiness as we mean it, is a secular concept, not a religious one. In most religions, doing " the right thing " trumps happiness anytime.
I pity these parents, they really have a hard choice in front of them. It's not just a case of overbearing parents disappointed because their daughter won't do what they want. It's not like , we always wanted her to be a lawyer, and she wants to be a veterinarian instead. It's not even, we always wanted her to be a lawyer, and she wants to be a stripper. It's more like, we always wanted her to be a lawyer and she wants to be an outlaw, a bank robber.
Said that, OP,... think hard, prey hard, look hard into your heart. It's obvious that your daughter's choices are unpalatable to you, and that you feel bad for having failed to instill in her the values in which you believe- but , as far as I know, among Jews a tradition of obedience cohexists with a tradition of RESPECT , and DIALOGUE. The last 2 Popes were in open, respectful, friendly terms with the Jewish community, I mean, come on, the Chief Rabbi in Rome was their personal friend, and at times welcome guest in Vatican . If the Chief Rabbi can have dinner with the Pope, surely you can have over for dinner your " wayward " daughter - and maybe even the wayward partner ? Seek for what unites, not what divides. It is clear that your daughter does not believe in the same things you do anymore ( if she ever did )- well, if you are going to punish her for that and refuse to maintain a relationship with her, then you should be coherent , and do the same with any of your non Jew friends and acquaintances. You should deny your affection, your friendship, your appreciation, your support... to anybody who is not a Jew. I suppose that would be hard to do in nowadays society, out of a 19th century shtetl ?...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): If there are no major problems in the relationship and it is only a religious difference I would not worry about this. Just be thankful that your daughter is happy and healthy and that she has found someone to share her life with. Accept her back, accept her boyfriend. Cherish what you have- there are so many people who have real problems. If religion is really important to her and they decide to marry, he could convert if he wanted to. I think you would be very foolish to try to force this issue and cause more harm to your relationship with your daughter. One of my friends daughters was in the same situation. Her family wasn't happy with her choice, she and her boyfriend married and have a child now and she is now very happy with her grandchild.
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reader, hearttoheart +, writes (14 May 2014):
 This is a Romeo & Juliet kind of story.
People are people, even if they have no religion at all.
Are you living your life as you wish? Because everyone has the right to live their life, and be with who want to be with. Unless he is a really evil & bad person, why are you worried? If he treats her good, then why not accept him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): In addition, had I been the one saying "Jewish/Christian/Catholic/etc. people were "unpalatable" and I had to just "tolerate" them - I'd be called rude and ignorant at the very least.
I haven't pushed my beliefs on anyone. Nor am I in a minority who hasn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): I'm 18 and I live in England. I find it unsettling to know that Athiests should only be "tolerated" and we are "unpalatable". The only people here who have made any judgement on one's religious choices is those who are religious in the traditional sense. Do you find Muslims unpalatable? Or Buddhists? Or is it just those who do not believe in any God?
I do not find someone unpalatable because of their religious beliefs, I find someone unpalatable if they are a horrible person, or have hurt people, or have committed a serious crime. I do not just tolerate people of other beliefs, I WELCOME them as PEOPLE until they give me a PERSONALITY reason not to. Just like I wouldn't only tolerate someone who was a different sexual orientation to me - it's their personality that matters to me, not what they believe or who they love.
It is borderline heartbreaking to know that you'd never make an assumption that "Muslims tend to be or think like terrorists" but "Atheist do tend to arrogantly flaunt or stress their negative opinion regarding religion" is okay. I have not ONCE made a judgement on someone because of what they believe in. I will respect anyone until they give me a decent PERSONALITY reason not to - religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation doesn't come into it for me. It's sad that people who wouldn't assume someone is unpalatable because of their skin colour, or the gender of who they love, but they would because of what they believe in.
You love your daughter. Your daughter loves you. This man loves your daughter. Your daughter loves this man. Can you not find it in yourselves as PARENTS and human beings, not just Jewish people, to love your daughter and accept this man until he gives you a PERSONALITY reason not to?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Would God disown you or one of his children because they aren't doing what he wants? No and thank God for loving all his children no matter what they have done or will do. I don't care what religion you profess to be what sins you have comitted God will never stop loving us. I don't understand why parents think they have to live their children's lives for them. Can you just say you are my child I love you and will always be here for you. You cannot live her life. So please just love her. Set a good example for her. You will be more miserable if you block her from your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): OP if you want the respect of your daughter then you near to respect her choice of partner. You also need to respect her partner and his religious preferences. Is it really going to be that bad to tolerate a man in your daughters life who has a different religious view to your own?
Is it his LACK of religion or simply the fact that he is not a Jew that is your problem here? In other words, would you feel the same way if this guy was a Catholic or a Christian?
Im sure your daughters Boy Friend has no wish to come between you and your daughter nor is he likely to want to somehow alter that fact that you are Jewish.
I don't know much about the Jewish religion, so forgive my ignorance, but I am certain you would be offended if I suggested your daughter was having a detrimental on her boyfriend because she was not an Atheist? ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I am a Christian and proud of it. My Partner is an Atheist.I love the church and my belief. Its a strong part of my identity. Yet in my experience it is not true that "Atheist tend to arrogantly flaunt or stress their negative opinion regarding religion; often when it is inappropriate" as one person on here has stated.In fact I feel more angry at some of my Christian friends who preach to my Boyfriend and make him out to "beneath" those of use who choose to believe in God. My boyfriend has been told many times that my friends will prey for him, with my friends clearly ignorant to how insulting such a statement sounds.I have had many relationships with Christian men, some good, some bad, some terrible. Yet my current partner is a wonderful man and a far cry from "doing something that will be terribly detrimental" to me or my future. His beliefs may be different but never once has he ridiculed, questioned, tried to change or disrespected my religious convictions. I find it infuriating, patronising and insulting when people claim I, or other mixed religion partners, are doing it to in some way rebel, or a phase to annoy our parents. What shocks me is how much some people seem to focus on this young man being in some way a lepper because he is of no religion. Or as one reply states "an alien or something"! When people of different religions have differing opinions to each other they are expected to be tolerant and respectful of each others religion, and yet when an Atheist has an opinion on religion its seen as worthless or arrogant because they are deemed not to have a connection with God. Or as Wise Owl states: "Atheist do tend to arrogantly flaunt or stress their negative opinion regarding religion"Well do Religious believers not flaunt or stress opinions to? Usually along the lines of "im a --religion-- so im right and you are all wrong!" It hurts me deeply when people describe my tolerant, respectful Boyfriend as being, as Mark1979 says, a "bible Basher". Insults, intolerance towards or criticism of an individual who has a religion leads others of the same religion to be offended and join the debate. Do the same thing to an Atheist and he or she are on their own. In heated debate Religious and non Religious people can be equally frustrating and pedantic. But it is us believers who often use our religion as an excuse for self rightiousness, leaving the non believer without such a crutch and told to keep there nose out. What I find sad, both on here and in my own life experience, is that people expect and indeed demand that Atheists like my partner show restraint, respect and tolerance to others religion, in my case Christianity. Yet those same people often are unwilling to be quite so tolerant of my Boyfriends chosen belief. It is as if Atheists are somehow removed from the whole equality issue. Certainly the OP should be respected by her daughters boyfriend and he should be willing to respect her Jewish traditions, beliefs and way of life. BUT that respect need to be mutual and it needs to be earned. WHEN the OP learns to let go of her prejudices based around this mans non religion, only then can she be expected to be treated with the same tolerance and respect herself. How can anybody who is controlling, dictating to and alienating her own daughter ever have the right to decide that someone else is a bad influence? The Anon Female is right - "People are people and God created each and every one of us and thats what matters"
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Do you actually love your daughter? Sounds like you want to control her because your more scared of tradition and what other people may think about you and your husband. Selfishness is the issue here. People are people and God created each and every one of us and thats what matters. Your treating this man like hes some kind of
alien or something
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reader, Mark1978  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Wise Owl, as an Atheist I am deeply offended by your comments...
"If he is disrespectful; or shows you any hostility, then you are justified to put him out/they must respect your beliefs. He must be equally respectful in your presence."
As far as the original post tells us, there is NO reason whatsoever to assume this man will be disrespectful or show any hostility. There is plenty to suggest however that the OP will be hostile towards the boyfriend based purely on his beliefs. Especially with statements such as suggesting he will be "terribly detrimental" for her daughter. So why assume that because he is an Atheist that he is going to be the one who is disrespectful, intolerant, and hostile?
Perhaps a more balanced, fair and unbiased view would have been more appropriate. You seem to be fine with a religious person being intolerant of a non religious person, as if its fine for the "believers" to distance themselves from us "non believers", or see us as "detrimental" in the words of the OP. Yet your happy to assume in a negative way, and with no evidence, that the non religious person will be in some way hostile and, ironically, intolerant of the OPs religious beliefs and state very firmly that at the first whiff of HIS intolerance the OP has every right to slam the door in his face??
"Atheist do tend to arrogantly flaunt or stress their negative opinion regarding religion; often when it is inappropriate. Trust that your daughter will keep him in-check."
Really? Not all Atheists are Bible bashing, religion hating, anti God types who preach negative opinions on others beliefs. In the same way that not all Muslims for example are fundamentalists. Most Religions, and I include Atheism, have amongst its numbers those who wish to push there beliefs down others throats, those who are intolerant of other peoples views and people who take there beliefs too far to the point of harming others.
For the record my parents are Christians and my Partner is a Muslim. I respect their beliefs and they respect my choices. Is it not yourself and the OP who are "stress(ing)negative opinion" about this poor guy simply because he doesn't believe in a god?
You might find Atheism as "unpalatable" but quite frankly I find the idea of lumping all non believers into the pot of "arrogance and negativity" equally unpalatable. As you yourself said: "I know Judaism does not condone prejudice, or bigotry. We all must be tolerant."
The OPs daughter is in a relationship with an Atheist and yet you compare that to "losing children to crime, drugs"? Come on!
It seems we are, at least publically, tolerant of other believers and other religions, but not so tolerant of non believers. EVERY follower of EVERY religion absolutely has the right to be respected for their views and treated as an equal and not be the victim of prejudice because of the actions of the minority. Sadly the NON religious amongst us are often, as you put, rejected for what we supposedly represent. Or as Cerberus put it so well "Are we filthy gentiles the devil or something?"
I will finish with a quote from JLs022 "You don't suggest that she's been mistreated by this man in any way, and frankly, in my experience following a particular religion has no bearing on a person's character or how they treat others. So if she's being treated well and is happy, what is the issue? " Well said!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): There is a Japanese lady, whose Philippino mother in law dislikes her for her nationality, a Korean man who was forced to break up with his Chinese girlfriend because of religion, etc.Tensions and dislikes are abound if nurtured. Once you internalize that your job of raising a child into an adulthood is done, and that she is free to live her life without having to please you, you will naturally welcome her and her young family to your home with open arms.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (13 May 2014):
Things change, laws were made thousands of years ago for people that lived thousands of years ago.
I'm not religious, but here's the bottom line.
She's not going to dump him for you because she doesn't believe what you believe.
So you can accept that, or not. If you don't accept it, you're not only going to break her heart, everything that's supposedly bad about this relationship will still happen.
If you DO accept it, she'll be very happy and you can be with your daughter again. Yes, everything supposedly bad about this relationship will still happen, but there's nothing you can do to change that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Well the only way would be to prove to her how it would be detrimental to her and her future not to live her life according to the rules you demand she live them by.
Seriously, prove it to her.
With all due respect I don't think her life will be worse off, except of course for the fact she will lose her family, and again no offence but a family who will abandon her for not doing what they tell her to do are not that great a loss anyway.
OP you've chosen tradition over the happiness of your daughter, you've chosen to abandon her for not doing what you tell her and you're intentionally hurting her.
You say nothing of how doing that is good for her, the way you try to portray it. Is that was you consider love to be? Cast away your own flesh and blood?
You can't keep the door open to her, the only door you have is the one to your religion which you value higher than her.
The door is closed, accept that. Your demands are one of those "just because" things with no real substance at all. It's literally a case of you abandoning your child for not following the strict path you set out for her. That's it.
So you have to accept she's probably gone for good and her life is most likely better off too.
She's better off away from you, unless of course you can actually prove how you're trying to protect her?
Are us filthy gentiles the devil or something? What's your logic behind this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): She's with someone who makes her happy, which you must admit you don't right now, and you want to stop that? Why? He's of no religion,sure, but unless he's disrespectful of you or your religion, it is wrong and damaging to your daughter to treat she and her partner this way.
Get to know him, you don't need to love or even like him, but be kind and civil, and then if they stay together you'll still have access to any grandkids, and if they break up then she'll still fell comfortable coming back to you.
If you alienate her enough she could leave you forever even if this relationship doesn't work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): You know as a parent that you can't dictate to her feelings.
If you are totally inflexible you will alienate your daughter, all the more. You miss her far too much to do that.
She is as strong-willed as you are. Where do you think she gets it from? You have not mentioned her age, so we'll assume she is in her 20's. Adult enough to move away and live on her own. Obviously, a very independent young woman.
Give yourself credit for giving her such strength of will,
it will also reflect in her choices of mates. You have to give her some leeway here; somethings what you've taught her has sunk in. You lack of complete control; means she can think for herself. That was what drove her away.
Trying to make choices for her, when she was too old.
This is tough to do when you have traditional religious beliefs; but if you want to reconcile with your daughter?
You have to meet her halfway.
You can no more choose the man in her life; than your mother was able to choose yours.
Please don't think WiseOwlE is naive enough to believe you only dated boys your parents approved of 100%. You know children will do exactly the opposite of what you "demand" them to do; when they get old-enough to effectively act in protest.
There is a stance she may be taking; which is probably the point she is painfully projecting onto you. You inflexibility has driven her from your arms. You have no right to rule her life; and set conditions for your love to your own daughter. She still wants your approval, or she wouldn't want to make up. The olive branch has been offered. Accept it.
How do you know that she wants to marry him?
How would being estranged from your daughter; benefit either of you in any way?
You can reject the guy for what he represents. Why would you also reject the child you gave life to? Kids these days do some horrible things to hurt their parents. She is doing something that is the typical Jewish mother's nightmare; but they often pass. Focus on being closer to your baby,
let the other things fall into place.
Being tolerant doesn't change your beliefs in any way. We can only pray for our children, and wish the best for them.
We are in no position to set terms regarding who they love; in order to receive our approval. If only life were that simple. If you did choose her husband, what guarantee would you have that he would be good to her? Just because he's Jewish? How they feel about each other has to factor in there somewhere. How he treats her.
Fact is, she is going to love who she pleases with or without your consent. She would prefer your blessing; if she is making an attempt to reconcile. How do you feel when you are at odds with her? It must rip you apart inside.
Wanting to see her, hold her, talk to her. Love her.
I don't find atheism palatable in the least. However; I couldn't deny my child, a brother, sister, or any family relation the right to love whomever they please. No more than I would allow them to decide for me.
I always have to consider things from all positions. If things were in reverse; or if I was in the other person's shoes. It doesn't mean you must compromise your values and beliefs for her choices. It means that as an adult, you do have to step-back and deal with her choices; because she is an adult. She will leave you no choice; as she has already proven. Be as tough as you may, it still breaks your heart.
If you are mending the bridge between you, you have to compromise. You should ask her to give you time; where he is concerned, and you will do your best to accept him. At least allow her to introduce him to you, and be on your best behavior. I know Judaism does not condone prejudice, or bigotry. We all must be tolerant.
There are mothers who have lost children to crime, drugs,
and untimely death. Your daughter is alive and well, and reaching out to you for your love. This is where it is appropriate to think with your heart as her mother; surely God understands that more than anyone. Even He can accept, forgive, and love us; in spite of our sins. Don't forget that, my dear.
I can almost feel the love and conflict you are experiencing from your post. What's a mother to do? You dearly love and miss your child?
You think, she has abandoned her teachings and her faith. Think further. Through intolerance, you have estranged and distanced your daughter.
I say, allow her to come home. Be accepting to her boyfriend, as best you can. It's all for her sake, and to make peace. If he is disrespectful; or shows you any hostility, then you are justified to put him out.
Atheist do tend to arrogantly flaunt or stress their negative opinion regarding religion; often when it is inappropriate. Trust that your daughter will keep him in-check. She wants to see her mother. She's not going to let him mess that up. Don't bring them closer together, by showing how intolerant and controlling you are. I know that powerful side of your personality is what you are fighting right now. Thus your post.
Allow yourself to follow your heart; but inform your daughter that you expect respect from her, and anyone she brings into your home. Stress your love and eagerness to reconcile; however, they must respect your beliefs. He must be equally respectful in your presence.
Good luck! I will pray for a happy ending!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I know your actions are coming from a good place as a parent. You want her to be with a believer etc. But your actions are NOT loving. In other words, you mean well but you are actually being cruel and unloving by giving her the ultimatum that you will only be a mother to her if she is miserable. If she chooses to be happy with the man who is a good / loving / supportive man then you choose to disown her. In other words, you only love your daughter if she makes herself miserable in order to please you. What kind of love is that?My parents gave me the same reaction when I started dating a non-Christian guy and like your daughter I distanced myself from them until they were ready to be parents to a happy daughter. He hasn't committed any crimes or done anyone any harm. You have absolutely no reason to not give him a chance other than that you disagree with him. He has the right to his beliefs as do you. If his beliefs and your daughter's beliefs are compatible then there is no problem. The only problem here is you are being narrowminded.After months of little contact with my parents, we sat down and talked as a family. They slowly came to the realisation that they were the problem because they were expecting me to be the exact image of their expectations. Well, sorry but I'm a living, breathing, thinking being who makes choices.She has chosen him. She may choose not to be with him in the future or she may stay with him. But as long as he has done nothing to harm her, you or anyone else then you have no business in their love life. You should be happy that your daughter is happy.You do have the right to withold your love as you are doing but that is ironically a worser crime than the one she has supposedly committed. What is the point of believing if believing boils down to disowning your daughter who has not done anything wrong.Find it in yourself to be tolerant, to be open and to be loving to your daughter. My boyfriend now comes to my parents' house regularly, including spending Christmas with them and we are all happy because we found it in ourselves to LOVE unconditionally.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2014):
I am a Jew married to a non-Jew.
My son just got engaged to a woman who is not jewish and his father and stepmother are about ready to sit shiva for him and it's breaking his heart.
Why is this man so detrimental to her? Is it because he's not Jewish? At least your grandchildren will be Jewish. Mine won't.
While Torah says to hold ourselves separate and that we are the chosen people I doubt they accounted for how big the world was NOT going to be... Jews interface daily in most places with Non Jews. Unless you are Chabad or Satmar I am not sure how this harms your child.
Can you elaborate as to why you are willing to disown or risk ruining your relationship with your child because you do not approve of her adult decision?
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reader, jls022 +, writes (13 May 2014):
If you want to keep your daughter in your life then you will need to accept her choice of partner. It's her life and her choice, and you shouldn't be putting her in the situation where she has to choose between you both.As a grown woman she has the right to choose a partner based on whatever criteria she likes. Just because faith is on your list, doesn't mean she has to agree with that.I'd also consider what exactly it is that you're worried about. Why is it so important to you that her partner is also Jewish? You don't suggest that she's been mistreated by this man in any way, and frankly, in my experience following a particular religion has no bearing on a person's character or how they treat others. So if she's being treated well and is happy, what is the issue?
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