A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex broke up with me 2 days. He's been under a lot of stress with everything from work to friends to our relationship. The last thing he wants to do is to think. So he indulges in computer games and neglecting me. This is not the first time that this has happened. It happened during our 5-6 month period too.Since our honeymoon phase ended, our relationship hadn't been all too excited. Intimacy when down, spontaneity was lacked, and dates were far and few in between. We barely communicate about our issues. I always try to get him to talk without pressuring him, and let him in on what I feel what was lacking in our relationship. He would acknowledge and agree. Some things do get better, but the one thing that remained constant was his unwillingness to communicate with me about the issues that was going on in his head, but more importantly in our relationship. Well this past weekend I came over to time with him after a week of not seeing him. Instead of spending time with me, he sat in front of the computer all day. He noticed that I was fairly annoyed with something on Sunday evening, so that was when he gave me some attention and we talked. I let him know how neglected I've been feeling and that I've been nothing but supportive of him and been there for him when he was depressed and having problems at work; but, when I haven't seen him in a week, and wanted to spend time with him, he ignored me and played his computer game instead. He agreed that he has been neglecting. He said that he just doesn't want to think about anything. So that included talking to me. He just wants to run away from everything, he's unhappy. He doesn't know what he wants in life. He wanted to quit his job a couple of weeks ago. I told him to start with what he can control in life. He mentioned one of his stresses was our relationship so I asked him what does he want from it. At this point, he started to cry and said he fell out of love with me, and didn't see us having a future. (Note: Although, he sees no future for us, he multiple times commented on OUR future kids, asked me if I wanted to move in with him on more than one occasion--I declined the offer for the time being because I don't want to play house without true commitment, and planned vacations).I remained calm and silent. I wasn't heartbroken about it. I was numb and sad, but not angry. He was the one breaking up with me, but I was the one comforting him and assuring him that it was okay that he felt that way. It is what it is. He mentioned that this was the hardest thing he'd ever done and he's broken up with people before, but it was never this tough and sad. I asked him when was the last time he was happy and in love with me. He said it was especially when he came back from his vacation in mid March. So whatever triggered his change of heart, it wasn't too long ago.He sulked over how we were supposed to be a team but he hasn't been there for me lately, and how selfless I have been towards him when he was struggling at work.He broke the news to his best friend the next day and according to his best friend, my ex is very upset and regetting breaking up with me. This makes me feel better. But I haven't been feeling bad at all. I feel sad at times, but most of the time I'm ok. I think about what happen, and it's all unreal to me. My theory is that I'm in denial, but to protect myself I don't want to fool myself into thinking there's hope for us.I, of course,do secretly wish that we will talk things out and see where to go from there. But, I'm not sure if he's planning on reaching out to me. I still have to come over collect my stuff from his place. And I'm planning to do it later on this week. That would be a perfect time to talk. But I don't what to look like I'm reaching out again. I want it to come from him because this was his doing.Readers, my questions are, should I wait a week longer to give us both some more time to clear our heads and also to give him time to reach out to me? If we do end up talking things out, what are some specific and important questions that I need to be asking him? And lastly, what should I make of his regretting breaking up with me?Thanks for taking the time to read and advise.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): OP with all due respect you're kind of missing out on a few key points you seem to be ignoring.
You're pretty much leaving all of this down to him and what he wants. What about having a boyfriend who doesn't retreat any time things go wrong and shut you out? What about having a boyfriend who can cope enough with your relationship not to let his personal bullshit ruin it this way?
All your concern here is about getting back with him and how you can achieve that, but what are you going back to?
A flaky mess who you can't rely on emotionally. I don't get how you're so keen to go back to that without addressing any of it.
Sure you mention those as parts of the problem, but none of your questions are about those things and they're the key factors here, not some bullshit about regret, it's a break up, regret always appears even if it's not warranted.
Honestly, OP, what's to "talk out"? You want to talk about how shit he's going to feel going back into a situation where he knows he's being a shit boyfriend? You want to talk out how much you don't care that he doesn't love you anymore and you're sure that's not really the case? You think with all the stuff he has going on that he really needs guilt on top of it?
Obviously not, because all you seem to care about is having the relationship on paper, and somehow have yourself convinced you can somehow magically fix all his issues with one conversation.
of course you don't feel sad or broken, you're convinced this is some kind of blip. You seem to think this is just a recent manifestation yet it's happened before hasn't it? This happened during the honeymoon phase too, and after that well it sounds like things just went to shit. No communication, barely any intimacy and now he's broken up with you.
I don't get how you can't see what is going on, I mean you quite literally are just focussed on this relationship on paper but you haven't actually had one in a long time with him. No communication; no relationship, he's been one foot out of it a long time.
So tell me, OP, what's to talk out? What do you hope to achieve here? You don't address any of the major problems, he's not a great boyfriend and you know it, he feels shit being in a relationship with you because as he's told you his heart just isn't in it, and for some reason you've been ignoring the fact that that has been the case for a long time now too and think just because he talked about kids means he was serious before.
Seriously read your question. The whole way through is a guy whose heart is not in this. he stopped trying a long time ago, he's been pushing you away for ages, and now he's finally done what he should have done a long time ago and you don't accept that.
Sure you may be able to guilt him into getting back together, maybe your plan of "talking it out" will get him back but it solves nothing and it'll just be a matter of time before he cracks and dumps you again.
"He said it was especially when he came back from his vacation in mid March."
That's not love, that's missing someone.
So the big question I have for you, OP, is, beyond getting him back what do you want here?
I think you need to take a longer break. I think you should get one of your friends or his best friend you're in contact with to collect your stuff for you and you wait a fortnight with no contact and take the time to think more about what you want. Right now you want nothing but to have him back, which is why you're asking us what to ask him, because you have no needs, you have nothing you want from him when he has a lot to change before he can be good for you again.
OP he dumped you so he could have some peace, so let him have a few of weeks of peace before you dump a big fat, stinking conversation about "us" on top of all he has to deal with.
Most importantly your reasons for wanting to get back together are non-existent. He has nothing good to offer you, you have no good reason to go back into a relationship with a guy who doesn't love you and has very clearly been acting that way for quite a while.
Last but not least, we can't tell you what to ask him, he can't communicate so you can ask him about the weather if you like, you'll still get nothing from him during your talk out.
Gets a friend to collect your shit, stay away for a few weeks and think, I honestly see nothing for you to want to go back to. You need to examine whether your reasons are really good enough for you, OP. I think if you take a while to think, talk this out with your most trusted people you'll probably start to see what has been in front of your face all along. You're really in danger of selling yourself short here for nothing.
I mean a depressed, stressed guy, who doesn't love you and is shit at communicating? He's either rich, looks like Brad Pitt or has an amazing penis because seriously, none of that stuff makes for a good boyfriend, and with this guy it's not a one time deal this is how he copes with life, this is who he is.
Don't be in such a hurry to run back. Take your time and think hard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRevMick,
He actually hasn't contacted me. It was something that he told his best friend in confidence. I just happen to find out. Although, I am going to have to see him soon so I'm hoping a few days of having no contact with me will help clear up his mind.
About seeking out a counselor, he has looked for a psychologist he hasn't book an appointment. This is something he's been wanting to do since our first fight. I think it's something very personal, something that has shaped him into who he is and he doesn't want to be judged by people that knows him.
Thanks so much for your input!
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
I think things are getting to him and he uses the computer to relieve the stresses of day to day life.
Some men don't have the tools to speak what is in their head's. I know personally I am a very step back kind of person and it's hard to tell someone when I'm upset.
It depends on the kind of family you were raised in, your parental role models and parent figures.
He may regret the breakup, but is he talking about getting back together? It could be that he is just sorry he hurt you in that way.
I would learn to step back a little and hopefully he will open up. I think him being the kind of person he is, I wouldn't recommend a counselor as he will feel he doesn't want to talk to a stranger.
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