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anonymous
writes: I am a woman in my early 50's. After 25 yrs married, my husband up and left me and our family in Nov. 2000, which had rocked our lives to the core. I have a teen boy, (still at home), one adult son (25) and one adult daughter (27). When the initial breakup occurred, my husband basically stepped out of their lives too, thinking the kids all hated him for what he did. Of course, they never felt this way and I never spoke badly of their father and always encouraged the kids to stay in touch with their Father. So now, they all see their Dad regularily. I kept my anger and hurt away from my kids and found some dear friends who had listened to my painful story. However, I am beginning to wonder now if my ex husband (we are divorced now) is not giving me the same respect?? At present, both adult kids live far away and have their own successful lives. My adult daughter is in regular contact with me, usually by telephone or on a bi-weekly or monthly basis. However my 25 year old adult son, seems to despise me and he is very much attached to my ex-husband. For some reason, my adult son has now chosen exclude me out of his life and appears to have chosen sides. The 'crack' in our relationship had started about two years and it seems to be worsening. I used to be close to my son, we could talk about anything. Now, he won't even look at me when I speak to him. It's very hurtful to be slowly physically and emotionally cut off from my son and I don't know why. All of this, began when 2 big changes happened, in my life.a) when I started dating again in 2004 and I now have a special someone in my life. This new guy is decent and respects my son but my son deeply resents him for no apparent reason. My bf is very understanding about this and harbors no ill will to my son. b) my son came to my home one day quite inebriated. He got quite verbally toxic and I asked him to leave, as I don't tolerate myself or other family members being demeaned and slandered. I did not kick him out of my life, just told him to and sleep off his drunk and come back later. Drinking has become a problem since he and his gf broke up, one year ago. So now, I cannot comprehend a reason for my son's behaviour. I cannot find a reason why she doesn't acknowledge me anymore. If I knew I was responsible for a legitimate reason for his avoidance of me, I would honestly try to repair it. But because he hardly speaks to me and sees his Father all the time, he won't communicate, so nothing can be healed. He will call here and not even acknowlege me when I answer the phone..he simply asks to speak to his younger brother. He never even calls me "Mom" ,anymore-- always referring to me by my first name! The only conclusion I can draw from this, is he is a very unhappy, lonely person (he's still badly hurting from the breakup with his ex gf-I do know that) It's like he's angry at all women, in the world, (however, thankfully, he treats his sister with utmost regard).What do you all make of this? I am at my wit's end and heartbroken over losing my son and I just do not know how to reach out to him, anymore. I still try but to no avail. Any ideas or thoughts? Thank you for taking the time to read all this.
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female
reader, amerthyst0202  +, writes (13 October 2006):
 Your son is hurting, not just from his parents break up however amicable it was but also from his relationship break up and in his eyes all women cause hurt unfortunatley for you, you are on the receiving end of that hurt you are possibly the nearest woman that he cant take his hurt out on. Did your son ever think that there might have been a slight chance you and your ex could have got back tog?
now you have found a new love he may also resent the fact that your happy you havent lost your son you have just lost the closeness you shared. give him time, stop reaching out to him, let him come to you he will come round in the end get on with your own life you will always be his mum
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is such a tough one your son sounds very angry with bad Issues.
The only thing you can do Is look out for yourself you sound like a good mother who has always adored her kids you have have done the best you can if misguided inderviduals are going to twist things thats there problem if I where you I would say to yourself now
"This is my time now I want out for a few weeks" and do just that if you cant get away on a weekend break to think about stuff in a clearer light try going to the salon treat yourself to a facial/massage try yoga or whatever appeals to you go to a bookstore in the self-help section the answers are often in books Ive found you can sometimes unlock hidden strenths within your soal! and my Mum is the same age as you she followed a spiritual path as they have helped her though very tough times its worked for me as well and Im only 20 Your son might have a drink problem unfortuantly thats the path hes chosen the only way you can help him now is by taking your focus off his negative condition
as if you keep focusing on it its going take away your sence of wellbeing and if he does ask for your help one day you you be too upset about the situation and more pain more arguements will follow! if he does need your help before this time stay centred in a place of peace dont let him take away your equalibrum and if he starts being unreasonable tell him you wont speak too him until he can be respectful and you've done a lot for him so he shouldent act like a 2 yr old hes 25! Take care Ditzy Blonde chick xx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 October 2006):
 I don't think you have lost your son forever. He is just going through a rough patch and is probably taking his break up out on you. As he heals he'll come around I'm sure. Be patient and keeps the lines of communication open but just leave him his space for awhile. He probably feels rotten about how he's treating you but just can't control it. Good luck, Mom!
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