A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 28 year old guy whose life has been like a soap opera. I was trying to get back together with a woman who dumped me when I started getting close with someone else. This other woman (age 24) told me if I was smarter, I would forget the ex and focus in on someone who was willing to admit to being in love with me and kissed me.Regardless of what were to happen with this new relationship, I came to realize things were over with the ex. I talked to the ex, said good bye to her, wished her well, etc.I guess my question is how do I proceed with this new relationship? On the one hand, I feel stupid because we could have started a relationship weeks ago except that I was treating her like Dear Abby, going on and on about the ex. I feel bad because all we've ever talked about is me. It's sort of like something I once heard: The history of mankind can be summed in as men being jerks and the women who love them. On the other hand, I do need the love of a good woman in my life. I could see myself falling in love here but am still slightly on the rebound. I want to proceed, but don't want to be selfish or take advantage. Please advise.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Well I guess you first need to decide if you are over your ex? Can you truly say you dont have feelings for her anymore, and if she knocked on your door tomorrow saying she wants you back you would say no without any hesitation? Or are there some residual feelings left over for her that need to be dealt with?
Because if there are still feelings for her it is not fair on the new woman - she clearly loves you and wants to be with you, but you cannot mislead her by entering into a relationship if you are not 100% ready. So think carefully - being on the rebound is a dangerous situation and you could end up hurting the new woman in your life if you are not careful. Directing old feelings from your ex onto the new woman in your life is only going to end up in disaster, so you need to be very certain that you are over your ex before you start a new relationship.
But if you really feel you are ready for a new relationship and you want to make it work with the new woman, then I would say you pretty much need to start from scratch. She has already fallen for you so you at least know she will like you even if you bang on about yourself or your ex all the time - so any little improvement will really make her happy!
I would say start fresh with the new woman, start dating and make sure you only see her a couple of times a week so it still feels exciting and new. Go down the normal route couples take, by dating, slowly falling for each other and gradually spending more time together. Having time to just date her will also give you a bit more time to make sure you are really ready for this relationship and it is the right thing to do. Do fun things together, make sure you take her out more than you just go round to each other's houses (which just ends up being dinner, movie and sex). Going out together in public is important as it keeps the relationship exciting, whereas if you just go round to each other's places all the time you end up settling into a comfortable relationship far too fast and you become like a "married couple" far too quickly. And this is definintely a no no for you, if you have come out of a relationship with your ex then spending too much time with the new woman at home would end up meaning you have just replaced one woman with a new one, and it doesnt actually matter who SHE is, it is just the company that she is there for.
So first of all be careful and have a good think about if you are ready for this, and then if you want to go ahead take it slow, take her out on dates and have fun. Dont allow it to get too serious or too comfortable early on, and give yourself time to fall for her as a person, and how she makes you feel - rather than just replacing your ex like for like with another body.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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