A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For the past year and 7 months, I've been involved with this guy.Even though it's been a rough year, I've gotten really attached to him- I lost my virginity to him and everything. However it's become more and more apparent he isn't "ready" or willing to commit. And it's become more and more apparent that there's nothing I could possibly do to change the situation.He acknowledges that I'm a gem, and frequently says how I make his life so much better... he's even said if he was ever gonna get married and be guaranteed happiness it'd be with me, because no one has ever looked out for hum, loved and accepted him as I have. I feel the same way, and I believe if he would just try we would be perfect. Even with how messed up the entire situation is, we've achieved a level of comfort and connection I can't imagine living without, or attempting with anyone else. Unfortunately, according to him he's cheated in every single relationship he's been in (including this one) and as such he doesn't think he's ready for a proper titled relationship. He thinks he's still too young to settle down (he's 25 this year), and wants to "experience" life and all its women. Took me a while, but I've accepted now that there's no point in hanging on and hoping he'd change or see that I'm enough for him. He'd still always feel caged; like he's missing out on life, so it only makes sense to let him go. We've agreed to end things when I move away for grad school in August/ September (I'm not ready to end things immediately just yet).He wants to stay friends, but I told him I don't think that's possible because it'll hurt too much. But on the other hand I can't imagine him not being there, especially since we're parting on amicable terms. How do I prepare myself for the eventual break up? Do you think we should stay friends?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2014):
 I don't think it's necessary to pretend to remain friends after the fact. And that's all it will be is pretend.
You will move... life will go on... and you will get over this.
TIME heals things like this magically if you just let it.
have NO expectations of him being your friend.
have NO expectations of seeing him after you move to grad school or staying in contact.
sure you have parted amicably but you will still miss him even though he's a liar and a cheater. You will miss what you know.
hopefully you will meet new and interesting people at grad school... please be WIDE open to meeting folks... friends or otherwise.
being busy with school and activities and new friends is the best way to transition from this relationship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Girl, you are living in la-la land. You think you two would be perfect, if only you tried harder. NO. Just no. He doesn't WANT a relationship with you (or any other girl) right now because he thinks the still have a bunch of wild oats to sow.
Now he might like you a whole lot and find you a "gem", but he hasn't TREATED you like you were a "gem". He treated you like he has every other girl. He cheated.
This is a clear case of WORDS versus ACTIONS.
You listen to his words (because he knows JUST what to say to get you all gooey and pliable.)
You should LOOK at his actions.
And you should LOOK at your own. Your reek of insecurity, immaturity and desperation. YOU are ALLOWING him to treat you this way, because you LOVE him. AND he knows that. He is taking FULL advantage that this is your first relationship, but all he is really doing is setting you up for failure. If you don't start to wise up a little and NOT allow people around you to treat you like dirt, you will go from crappy relationship to crappy relationship.
People who claim they LOVE US shouldn't TREAT us like that.
And IF he felt so "caged" WTF! actually! he should have broken up with you and "set" both of you free. But no, he KNOWS he has you by your short and curlies and will WRING out as MUCH sex and affection as he can get til you go to school in August.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh on you, but so many GIRLS your age allow this crap and it makes me both mad and sad. WANT more for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 June 2014):
 So let me get this straight. This guy feels he's "caged" in the relationship with you, that he's too young to commit, that he wants to enjoy life and all the women in the world, that he's cheated in every relationship that he's been in including the one with you.
Wow!!
And the thing is, you're STILL with him,you're pining for him, mourning the loss, you're hanging on to the dead relationship till August / September and you're actually considering staying friends with him!?
Forget him, what is wrong with you? Is your self-esteem really THIS low? This man has humiliated you in EVERY way possible, from cheating on you to telling you to your face that he's "caged" and you still have feelings for him?
You should have kicked him out the first time he cheated on you or when he even dared to tell you that he was caged and wanted to experience life with all its women! Seriously?? If there was ever an example of brazen audacity then this is it.
Shake yourself up, stop pitying yourself and just walk out of the relationship THIS INSTANT. Don't justify it with whatever feelings you have because its an insult to your feelings, to waste them on a man like this. Don't wait and extend the agony for another couple of months, think of it as a blessing that you will be free from someone who has absolutely no love, respect or regard for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): You can't stay just friends; because you can't imagine life without him. He can't imagine life without other women. That is the worst form of torture you can put yourself through.
What kind of friendship would you have longing for him; while he's chasing other women? What you're asking for is continued access to his life; so you can keep tabs on what he's doing, and who he's with. It will just be a long succession of women. In your face. You'll suffer the whole time.
I think all that stuff about how he feels about you is such a pile of crap.
"He acknowledges that I'm a gem, and frequently says how I make his life so much better... he's even said if he was ever gonna get married and be guaranteed happiness it'd be with me, because no one has ever looked out for hum, loved and accepted him as I have."
He's a player. He says this same crap to every female he cheats on; so you won't hate him and terrorize him, or cause scenes. He probably already has a female waiting in the wings; and he wants to make a peaceful exit. The best way is to part, is as friends. With a beautiful speech.
You must prepare by going no contact. No text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook updates, no birthday wishes, no how ya doin's, and get all his belongings out of your living space. Delete his phone number, and remove him from your Facebook page.
A cheating boyfriend does not deserve friendship. He'll agree to such terms to get off easy. He will not feel compelled to hold up his end of the friendship. He wants his space. He'll find excuses to avoid your contact; you'll wonder constantly what he's doing, and who he's with. When you're lonely, you'll want to contact him for comfort. He will not have time for that. No is the time more than ever, to protect your feelings.
You will still try to be his girlfriend; just minus the "girl" as a part of the title. Your feelings will not change to match your new position in the "friend-zone."
You're forgetting one element. The females he's with aren't going to like you around, and you won't like them either.
Players see to that. When two females are fighting and competing over a man, they lose sight of the source of their irritation. Him. The center of their conflict. You will want them to acknowledge you as his female-friend (that he used to have sex with) and just as important as they are. He took your virginity, you had a thing; so you'll feel quite territorial around those other women.
Don't do that to yourself. Cut him loose. You won't heal holding-on. You won't move forward. You'll just watch him enjoying himself. He won't have time to nursemaid your hurt feelings, and you will not date other men, feeling you have to stay loyal to him. Fearing he'll cut you off, if you try to move on with your life.
Just by how hard it is for you to deal with the prospect of being alone, your post speaks volumes that being friends with this guy will kill you inside. You aren't strong enough for that.
You will regain your strength by accepting your freedom with grace and dignity. Our first inclination after a breakup is the desire to maintain some connection. We fear the torture of alienation, rejection, and disconnection. We fear loneliness, and the gut-wrenching withdrawal that comes with detachment. You should be taking care of yourself, not trying to figure out how you'll maintain some connection with your cheating ex-boyfriend.
He has no respect for your feelings, and didn't value what you had as he claims he did. He just didn't want you to see him for what he really is. He's a man-whore, and he took your virginity; and he has fulfilled his obligation to remain with you for awhile after doing so.
I am by no means telling you that he didn't care for you. He didn't care enough for you not to cheat on you. He's twenty-five and mature enough to make lasting and meaningful commitments. He is now past the stage of sowing the wild oats. He is a full-grown man.
Your healing and survival is all you need to care about.
Preparing yourself for single-life. Making plans to find your happiness, and getting through your pain and grief.
If you need friendship, I suggest that you reconnect with the friends you've neglected; and make new friends with other women.
You need to be away from men for awhile; because you are too emotionally vulnerable to use your better judgment. You need time to establish independence; because you were totally absorbed and obsessed with a guy who cheated on you. You gave him more than he deserved. You will not get it back, and being friends would do you more harm than good. Your post does not say you are a person strong enough to do that, and you have not had enough relationship experience to have the resilience it takes to bounce back after a breakup.
Hang-on to the good memories. He was your first, and maybe someday you can reconnect. Not until you are so over him, that nothing he says or does will effect your emotions in a negative way. There is nothing you had with him, that you can't have with somebody else. He certainly feels that way.
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