A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my bf for 6 years. He sleeps over at my apartment every night and has a bunch of stuff here, but we live apart. He has been trying to get me to move in for at least three years now, but it is a mental block for me. Almost everyone in my immediate family and extended family has been divorced...more than once. I grew up with horrible stories of people getting screwed over, changing, disappointing each other, etc. It has made me very fearful of commitment. I never analyzed that fear very deeply until recently when I realized it's the reason I haven't been able to move in with my boyfriend...let alone consider engagement/marriage. I am actually a very loyal, romantic, relationship-oriented person, so it's not that I'm afraid of being with just one person for the rest of my life or anything like that. It's more so that I am afraid of getting screwed over (financially, legally, emotionally) by another person, or waking up and realizing that person isn't who I thought he was, or us mutually disappointing each other over time, etc. I suppose I am so afraid of the end, that I can't begin. How do I overcome this fear of commitment?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): Stay vigil about getting screwed-over; but dial it back a few notches. You're supposed to be mindful of people who are opportunists or players; but you don't carry-on a relationship for three years always "on high alert."
How insulting it is to that guy to treat him so!
You must be exhausted!
Always worrying about somebody doing you in is paranoid. There are no guarantees in life; and every move we make something could go wrong. What are you going to do, lock yourself in the house to avoid life?
In a relationship, everyone involved is risking getting hurt. So, you have to develop an atmosphere of trust. You have to form a mutual-pact and agreement between you; to lookout for each other and to value each other.
It's downright stupidity when you go through life thinking you're not supposed to experience pain and suffering like the rest of humanity. Living in a bubble might be fine for some people; but it's not really living. It's existing. They don't want to get hurt, but get hurt by depriving themselves of the best stuff life has to offer. " I don't want to get hurt!" Do you want to live? Then live!!!
You have to let-go of the notion everything that happened bad to the people in your family is guarantee to happen to you. What you will create is a paranoid-environment that will most certainly sabotage your every relationship. That guy of yours must have the patience of Job (a biblical-figure who withstood unbelievable tests and suffering.) Yet he kept the faith, and gained back twice as much as he lost.
You are fixated on the possibility somebody might mess you up; and that makes the possibility of you being the one to do that to someone else exponentially more likely. That's because you have no experience; and lack the knowledge of how to make things work, or how to solve problems.
Why? Because you don't have faith, and you don't believe something good can happen to you. Even if it went wrong, you'll survive. Hardship or mishap will come in many different circumstances; and there is no way you'll avoid it. Keeping that young man on-hold is going to drive him away.
Insecurity kills relationships like rat poison kills rats!
Slow and certain.
Get a grip, girlfriend!!!
Time to grow-up and face grown-up problems. You find someone who loves you, and you both take the leap together. If something goes wrong, ever heard of working together to fix it??? Who told you every problem in a relationship is irreparable or irreconcilable? How the hell did you last three years if that's the case? If he stuck around for that long putting up with you; he's well worth the risk!
Last I heard relationships go two-ways. Both give and take.
Marriage isn't what you do before you get a divorce. Divorce is the result of people reaching a situation they could never fix without permanently separating. It happens randomly, not to each and every marriage as the final result in each and every case. You could have flunked-out of high school or college; but you went anyway. Lots of people flunk-out. The tuition money could have been spent elsewhere.
Like flying in a plane or driving a car; you take a chance and hope like hell you'll never crash! You just try to be careful; and use your head to work your way around problems and accidents. You use your heart to make the other person feel loved and trusted. He deserves back whatever he has given you!
Don't intertwine your credit and finances with anyone that isn't your spouse. Don't cosign on debt, and when you share expenses; agree on a budget that benefits you both. Try to keep track of spending and avoid extravagant purchases. Make decisions together when it may interfere with the household budget. If he doesn't show signs of poor money-management with his own money, he's not likely to mess around with yours. You can have separate bank accounts. Minimize using credit cards in any situation; committed or single.
You can keep testing his patience until it runs-out. Then you'll be back here on DC seeking advice on how to get him back.
Take the plunge. If you do get hurt, you'll gain some survival-skills; and you'll grow wiser and tougher. You'll know better how to avoid repeating the same mistakes; and you'll also learn how to love and trust people in return for loving and trusting you. In spite of the fact you're paranoid; and more of a risk he's taking if you remain so.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 January 2019):
 Has he ever given you any reasons to be suspicious of him or to doubt his intentions in any way? If not then you must realise that your paranoia will eventually drive your boyfriend away. There are no guarantees in life OP. No one can assure you of what happens in the future. Take the plunge or just set him free because it's but fair to him that you keep him hanging even after 6 years together.
Why don't you think of it in this way...you could be the one who changes the awful pattern followed by your family! YOU have had a stable relationship for 6 years, you are loyal, your boyfriend actually wants a future with you. These are positives that you should focus on and get over your mental blocks.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2019):
 You won't GUARANTEE that he will not screw you over by NOT living with him either.
Life doesn't come with a warranty or guarantees. Neither does relationships.
Who knows YOUR relationship might be one of the FEW in your family that survives the test of time. Isn't that WORTH a investment and risk? Isn't HE worth that?
My advice is If you want to take the plunge SIT down with him and make a budget, continue to have SEPARATE accounts (shared are for married people), talk house rules, chores sharing, what furniture/item belongs to whom, etc. BEFORE moving in. I would ALSO suggest that you SAVE up enough to move OUT in case things don't work out. Having a back up plan is not a bad idea.
Is there a chance that when you live this close to someone that things become less "romantic" - yes, no doubt. But you will also become a bigger part in each others lives.
At some point he will either end it and move on to someone who CAN commit to him, or you simply take the plunge.
CAN you see yourself with this guy for the LONG haul? If so, I think it's time to take the risk.
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