A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been on 4 dates with a guy I met since Oct. I blew him off a few times because I was worried having sex too soon would ruin things but i do really like him. I was tired of all my past relationship mistakes by sleeping too soon and never getting the guy. So this new guy comes along and shows me alot of interest and I blew him off few times, worried because he was scheduling all of our "dates" back at the apartment that he just wanted sex but hes also so curious about me, been paying for 2 of our past 4 dates and being a gentleman. Hasnt even kissed me and he's been suggestive about wanting me to meet his friends and even go over cook together. Hes action oriented and I've been slow dragging my feet and cancelling. I feel awful. I'm late 20s but have no real relationship experience, just many even hundreds of first dates, few lovers, 2 past fwb. This guys is much older and has been married before. He also has fam in Europe so after our first two dates he went europe for a month and i kinda forgot about him til he started messaging me a lot when he came back. So far in past 4 months theres been some push/pull , possibly mainly from my side. Our last date he openly was emotional/frustrated/angry and said he wanted see me more. That he last saw me 2months ago and he wanted see me more. I was left speechless at his vulnerability. Anyways, it's been 3 weeks and i havent heard from him. I've never texted him at all. And i stalked him and found out he deleted his online dating profile. I'm extremely sad knowing this. Has he found someone else and deleted his dating profile ? Its been 3 weeks only but I know anything could have happened and I'm worried he is already sleeping with someone. I really like him. But should i move on? How can I know he is still interested if hes not even contact me in 3 weeks and has deleted his dating profile ?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2019): He's older and he knows what he wants. He probably wanted to have sex because he wants to see if your sexualy compatible. There is nothing worse then getting on well with someone and then realising your not sexualy compatible. He doesn't want his time wasted and he's moving on. There is Nothing wrong with this...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): BTW, cancelling and closing a profile doesn't mean anything. He may have just joined another dating site; and knew you'd be stalking and spying on his site activity. If he's not contacting you, move on. Who cares why he closed his profile?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): When you start dating someone and feel pressured for sex, let them know by telling them you'd like to wait. Women are afraid to just come right-out and say it; because they figure he'll not bother asking for another date. That's actually the test. If he asks for another date and doesn't seem bothered about waiting; then he continues to contact you, you know what kind of man you're dealing with. If he seems okay, but you never hear form him again; sex was all he wanted anyway.
Don't brush people off, that's sending all the wrong signals. That you're flaky, unreliable, disinterested; and you might be seeing someone else at the same time.
You don't have to have a lot of dating experience to be honest with the men you're dating. You just have to use judgement and discernment when meeting these guys; and not let sex be their only reason for dating.
So what if you get a lot of first-dates? That's how you weed-out the trolls and jerks. Impatience will work against you. Being desperate, you'll resort to manipulation to get guys to stick around. That's playing against yourself. They'll just out-maneuver you, or play head-games. You're an adult, and should be learning a few things about people in general. You know what you want and what you don't want. Just make sure the guy knows it too.
Don't date men who tell you they've been married before and their ex is somewhere in another country.
That probably means he's still married; and he left his wife and family behind waiting for him. You're inexperienced and might be better-off dating within your age-group.
Learn how to keep your feelings in-check and under your control; while you evaluate and figure-out the kind of guy you're dealing with. Playing games is for children, so cut that out! If he goes silent and doesn't contact you after you've played your little games, consider that the reason.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2019):
 I suppose that there is always a possibility that the man is already married. What is triggering the spidey sense here? Only 4 dates in 4 months? I could see that.
There are a lot of reasons to take down a dating profile. Sure getting caught by your spouse is one. Getting into a committed relationship is another. But there is also Frustration, hopelessness, not wanting to pay another month, and my all time favorite, to duck a stalker.
I hear more complaining about partners who don't take down their profiles.
On the off chance that OP is still checking in: My advice is two important things:
If it's been 4 months with out so much as a kiss, "he's not that into you". He likes your company but doesn't see it going anywhere. (and a married guy out for some strange would never be that patient)
And Second When a guy is vulnerable to you and you reject him by not responding, Generally that was your last chance. men are in a tricky spot about vulnerability right now. For ages the typical female need for security has led them to select men who don't show vulnerability. Now the Better man project and the like are calling that reluctance to show vulnerability "toxic masculinity". So he thinks this is a young woman perhaps she needs to see my vulnerability. Then you freeze and he thinks, I knew it was a bad Idea, now she can't trust me.
anyway, a three week break from this guy isn't unusual. Who knows what will happen next?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 January 2019):
I suppose that there is always a possibility that the man is already married. What is triggering the spidey sense here? Only 4 dates in 4 months? I could see that.
There are a lot of reasons to take down a dating profile. Sure getting caught by your spouse is one. Getting into a committed relationship is another. But there is also Frustration, hopelessness, not wanting to pay another month, and my all time favorite, to duck a stalker.
I hear more complaining about partners who don't take down their profiles.
On the off chance that OP is still checking in: My advice is two important things:
If it's been 4 months with out so much as a kiss, "he's not that into you". He likes your company but doesn't see it going anywhere. (and a married guy out for some strange would never be that patient)
And Second When a guy is vulnerable to you and you reject him by not responding, Generally that was your last chance. men are in a tricky spot about vulnerability right now. For ages the typical female need for security has led them to select men who don't show vulnerability. Now the Better man project and the like are calling that reluctance to show vulnerability "toxic masculinity". So he thinks this is a young woman perhaps she needs to see my vulnerability. Then you freeze and he thinks, I knew it was a bad Idea, now she can't trust me.
anyway, a three week break from this guy isn't unusual. Who knows what will happen next?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): I'd be well aware of the possibility this man is already married. Just a hunch. I would let it go. I think you'd look indecisive contacting him again and you'd be giving him too much power.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2019): Instead of blowing the guy off (which sends the message that you aren't interested!) why don't you just tell him the truth: that this early in your relationship you aren't comfortable having dates at his apartment.
He probably got sick of being blown off and found somebody else.
You could still text him and explain the situation and apologize. I think the worst case scenario would be if he ignores you, which is not the end of the world, and you never know, he may be thrilled to hear from you and take you out on more dates.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 January 2019):
 I think you should move on, you have messed this fella around enough.
IF you are not ready to date, then DO NOT go on dates with men from a DATING site.
HE can not read your mind, he has no idea that you really liked him, or wanted to get to know him. ALL he knows is that you played hot and cold with him and well, HE had enough of that. It's immature of you, and not something a guy would fine CUTE or worth pursuing.
You CAN say to a guy that you WANT to take things slow. You want to get to know them, that SEX is off the table until you BOTH feel this can BE a relationship. Saying NO to "home-dates" and SEX early on is perfectly fine!
YOU DO NOT owe a guy sex because he took you out to dinner or went on a date.
I think you need to leave this one alone. He has moved on.
Try again with another guy but DO NOT play these mind games thinking HE can figure you out. YOU really need to stop sabotaging yourself here.
Also if he is older, has been married before and is from the "mainland Europe" he might have family there, as in... kids or a wife. You don't know, because YOU DO NOT know him. At all.
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