A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've always been really insecure and it's annoying the hell out of me. I was brought up to be a well behaved, polite child and I suffered for it through bullying at school.I was cast into to "weird" bin very early on and as a result became very insecure about it. I idealise being normal. I'm so far away and it seems impossible to form confidence for extended periods.Most of the time I can fake confidence, but as people get to know me, they catch on and I feel even less accepted. I can't continue to live like this, it's not healthy and it causes spikes of depression.I've done some stupid things, like leave a group of friends just because I thought everybody else thought they were weird. I care so much about my perception by other people that it's dictating what choices I make.If I don't get rid of my insecurity it is going to ruin my life and I want to achieve so much... I want to be happy for the majority of my time, not miserable and alone.What can I do to boost my confidence?
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female
reader, Olicia +, writes (19 February 2011):
Hi there. I'm a decent bit older than you, but I'm a still a funky, hip kinda gal! I know what exactly what you mean. I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's a book called, "I can make you happy" by Paul McKenna. He describes stuff that I do every day. It might be helpful to you. In a nutshell, it's about knowing who you are and what you want to achieve in life - which is the process of identifying your "core values".
I feel appreciated - by my family, friends and in my community. My core value is that I treat people with respect and, where possible, kindness. If that's not appreciated by others, then, okay, they simply don't get my attention anymore - there's lots of people out there who will appreciate me. Kind people are non-threatening to others. A smile is a great barrier-breaker. I do my work to the best of my ability and want people to be pleased with the results because they can see I have cared about the work. I love my family and friends and want them to be happy and feel loved. I want the children in the family to have fun and feel safe and happy. I'm very helpful but I'm not a martyr. It's okay to say no if you can't help someone, or if you feel they're taking advantage of your good nature. Confidence grows out of knowing yourself and what motivates you. People who only care about themselves stick out like sore thumbs. They get attention, but it's not a good sort of attention. To be honest, most people are so busy trying to cope with their own lives, others (including yourself) aren't important to them. But someone who is sweet and kind will brighten a few moments in life, and that is always welcomed. Respect yourself, like yourself - apply that to others - and you've almost cracked it. Ask yourself some ethical questions: What would I do if I saw an old person collapsed in a street? What would I do if I knew my friend was struggling with alcohol addiction?... Get to know what your values and if they are motivated by humanity and kindness. Read the book if you can, it will make much more sense than this!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Don't idealise being normal, there is no such thing. If you do you'll never find out what makes you happy or what you really enjoy doing. And you're right, that really will ruin you're whole life. Find some friends that you enjoy being around and then be yourself. If any insecure thoughts pop into your head about them or anything else, ignore them, remind yourself they're irrational and you're going to have to keep doing this until these thoughts don't bother you anymore. Hopefully then you'll feel more confident in trying other things you want to. It's like dealing with someone who has a phobia of spiders, repeatedly exposing them to spiders until their anxiety levels drop and they realise it isn't a dangerous situation is the best way of combating it.It's not going to be easy and if you are really struggling with that and depression then consider talking to a counsellor to help you through it.Also although it may have worked for the first female anon poster, I'd advise against becoming dependant on sex for confidence boosts. It could well cause you a whole lot of problems in the future and in relationships.
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A
female
reader, Holli' +, writes (19 February 2011):
 Hello, First don't become the everyday ignorant, cocky bloke. You sound like your decent and sensitive, and you're not the only one with a slight confidence lack, loads of people will have it but they won't be letting on, just like how you act confident, they will be too. I know it sounds like something your parents would say but honestly their probably annoyed because you're better than them, DON'T let people make you feel weird or strange because who are they to say?Start by looking in the mirror point out all the good things you have, nice eyes, good skin, white teeth, pink lips, good brows ...The way you walk and sit, straight back with head held high not facing the floor, you do count and people are not gonna call you weird and you'll slowly gain your confidence, no one's born with it, unfortunatley some people gain it by bullying others, unfortunatley you are the victim in this case, but you'll be better off for it, i'll never bee attracted to a bully. Who would?Hope this helped. xx
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (19 February 2011):
I think this anonymous reply here is a little too much. But the idea behind it is correct.The better cure for your insecurity can be doing that thing you want to do but you can't because of your insecurity. And yes, it's a paradox but it can be sorted out. You have to figure out how to do something (like having a girlfriend, or getting laid) without confidence.Another important thing is understand that you can't keep living under others surveillance. It's your life and you have to do whatever you think is right. Not what others think is right. Failing to do so will mean a life lived without having lived.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): ok, this might sound like the weirdest answer ever, but in my experience, it worked:GET LAID. Just once. It changed my life, and it just might change yours. I'm serious. I was in the same boat as you. I was disabled as a kid and had cancer, though all of that has been away, the stigma still stuck with me. Furthermore, having been raised in abusive household after abusive household, I was extremely shy, humble, skittish, and polite, all at the same time, and everyone noticed. I don't think i was ever able to count my friends on more than one hand. And then I moved out of my parents house, turned 18, went to college, and had the time of my life. I got laid, and it gave me an incredible amount of confidence that, at age 19.5, I'm still high on. Just force yourself to open up to people. Get a new hairstyle, get some new clothes, do something to make yourself look just a bit more attractive than you already do. Be more outgoing. let people notice you.
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