A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I would really appreciate some advice off both men and women please, I desperatly need help of some sort, as much as possible please.I am a 22 year old woman, my boyfriend is 32, I have been with him near 4 years now. He is my first and only, but because of the slight age gap he has had numerous partners and sleeping partners before he met me. When I entered the relationship I had no insecurities about myself or my body, I've never been overly confident but nor insecure. For the first year or so of the relationship, my boyfriend would constantly comment on the size of my breasts, make jokes when I wasn't wearing a bra and say things like 'a handful's enough, it's just a good job have small hands' and when fooling around he'd laugh and say things like 'aw look, they wobble a bit' while he tried to make them move. These comments and such I didn't think too much of at the time.He would mention how attractive and hot his ex's and one night stands were, and comment on their big breast size. He would do the same about celebrities. Tme after time I found pictures on his computer of naked women with boob jobs. During sex he would barely ever look at me, he often reached over to turn the light off, or closed his eyes or looked away from me the entire duration of sex. I really didn't think much of these things I think because I was inexperienced and didn't know whether to take his behaviour as normal or healthy or not. I never really guessed that he didn't find me attractive, I'm not big headed but I don't consider myself unatractive. I am only petite, I don't have big breasts, I wear a 32b bra, I don't have great long legs, but I have been told by many men that I have a figure like the pop star Shakira. I do no way think I am anywhere near as beautiful as Shakira! But I really don't think I have an undesirable body, I am small but I am still curvy. If I didn't get attention from other men when I go out then I probably would really feel like I was just completely unsexy. I just wish that my boyfriend would desire me more and make me feel good about myself.I told him once that the pictures on his computer upset me, and he told me that he didn't just masterbate to celebrity women, that he thought about sex with his ex's aswell. That he thought about all different things and that's when cracked. I've never cried so much and felt so gutted. When I reacted he told me it was normal and that everyone did it. I asked a lot of people about it and posted questions on here and it's definatly not normal masterbate over your ex's..After a long time, I felt so useless and he for some reason decided to appologise to me and realise that the things he'd said were inappropriate. He saw a councilor who told him that his behaviour was not normal. I tried to come to terms with the thoughts of all the things he'd put in my head, and he tried his best to be a better man for me.But my problem now is, that he has become this better person, he really worked hard at it, and I love him dearly. But I have never been able to put the thoughts out of my head, he said them, therefore he meant them, how do you get over that?I feel I'm in such a limbo, he acts more interested in me now during sex, but I can't help feel that it is just that, an 'act.' From the way he acted I really can't imaging how he can now find my body attractive after clearly not before-hand. I feel so sad all the time, I rarely feel like sex but I do it anyway, feel ashamed and anxious and worry that he still imagines his ex's, and although sex isbn't everything in a relationship, I feel like it's really wearing me down, and if I ever get upset, he gets angry. Although he sorted himself out, I still don't know what caused his mind to work the way it did, so my mind's not at rest.I know I've posted similar questions before, but has anyone any imput on this, or has anyone had similar experiences? Sometimes I really feel like I need to move on from him, like it's all a bt too little too late, but it's hard because I care for him. And I'd worry that the same thing would happen if I met someone else, I worry that perhaps all men prefere bigger breasted women and that I'm a turn off. Please help :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice and input, sorry I am late in replying, I've been without internet connection for a while. Miamine that's exactly how I feel, although there's the appologies, it can't just suddenly make me feel attractive to him, I've tried explaining that to him but he gets very angry. Thank you for taking the time to read everything, your answers have helped me somewhat mentaly, I feel a bit stronger in the sense that I know it's not just me that would find a situation like this hard to move on from. I am booked in for some counceling, I have been thinking and thinking so hard whether I want to continue in my relationship, I feel sad because I feel it's all been too little too late, at the end of the day, even if I truely forgive, I know I cannot forget the hurtful things that have ben said. At the back of my mind I know I'll always be sad that he had to think of his ex's instead of me, and I'll never know if he still does, it's not something I can prove.
So I'm feeling more negative than positive about him, I think I worry now that if I met someone else they may have the same thhoughts, what if any man I persued couldn't find me sexully attractive but kept the thoughts to himself :s I try not to think like this but I find myself now very suspicious and untrustworthy. I will try the counceling and hope to get back to my old self, I really want to feel good about myself again, I'm drained of feeling second best and ugly just because my boobs aren't tripple d's :( Before this relationship I never thought about breast size at all, there are so many women with small breasts whom have boyfriends, so they must be found sexually attractive by some.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 Hi,I am sorry he has made you feel this way. It's really crazy that someone will say such things to the one they love. When he met you, he knew how you look, so if he had a problem, or there was something he didn't like about you, he shouldn't ask you out in the first place. We are all different, and unique. Your partner should love you, and accept you the way you are. I hate the fact that he made such comments, I hate the fact that he compares you to other people. So stupid!! Immature!!! No class!!! Just know that you are beautiful, perfect in your own way. If he really loves you, you are perfect in his eyes. Do not let him feel this way anymore, because he's the one that have a problem. I know he's your first love, first everything. I know you will stay with him, but do not let him put you down anymore. Good luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 I agree to some extent with the other posters, in the sense that there's something wrong in a grown up man ( 28 when you met ) that sees nothing wrong in putting down his partner and making fun of her "imperfection" , real or perceived . I'd give him his walking papers not because he made me feel insecure about my body ( nobody can MAKE you feel anything about yourself if deep down you don't feel it already ) but because I like guys with more poise, elegance and social skills.
Anyway, there's always the " glass half full approach " - the silver lining. In this case it is : if he is crazy about big boobs, nevertheless has chosen you, he is been only with you since 4 years, he makes loves to YOU, he desires YOU, he spends time with YOU, ... then it means he must like you a whole heck of a lot nothwistanding your flat chest. He has chosen as his mate you, a flat chested girl , in a sea of big boobed females, and that must surely mean something !
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 November 2011):
 You enter the relationship as a virgin, with no insecurities or hang ups about yourself. After meeting him, you now feel insecure, you don't like your body, and you feel unsexy. You only retain some confidence, because other men make you feel pretty, you feel attractive to them.He destroyed you. Yep, he's sorry now, and he's gone to counselling to learn how to behave better. But he broke your heart, he made you hate yourself. That's going to take a long time to forgive, if ever. You can't tell your brain, it's all right, now your pretty, the guy has said sorry, so your no longer ugly. Women who are abused (and he's been giving you mental abuse) often say words hurt more than punches.It'll take a long long time to forget what he said. It'll take a long long time to be able to trust him. I'm talking years not months.. and for some women, they never ever get over a man putting them down.Nope.. never experienced this.. if a man ever compares me to others or insults me, I dump him. My mental health and self-esteem is too important to risk by being destroyed like this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 You really need to get away from him. You need to get some counselling yourself, to get back your self-esteem and gain confidence in yourself. The size of breasts is irrelevant, the size of your heart is what counts. As well as he may be now, the damage he has caused you is hard to forgive. I would have trouble moving on with him.
Get some counselling first, you may find that it helps you if want to stay with him. But I don't see it as a healthy relationship. Who you both were, has changed.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 November 2011):
 In porn, many actresses have small breasts. They are easy to look at (you don't wonder do those implanted breasts hurt when they jiggle), also small breasts make a woman look very virginal and fresh. Small breasts can also be very feminine. Big breasts don't automatically mean attraction, although it is a trigger. I believe the porn industry and the cosmetic surgery work hand in hand and the workers there are pressurized to improve on themselves. Maybe they get more work if they listen to their boss who told them to get implants. This is also the case with the pageant industry. It's all money related and very little to do with becoming more beautiful. I am bisexual and I prefer natural breasts. An implant does not turn me on more. My boyfriend likes small breasts. In nature a pear shaped is always better than an apple shaped. Bigger hips are good for childbirth and you will unlikely get a back problem if you are slim and small breasted. He will try his best to become a better man. At the end it's chemistry that matters. If he can only be attracted to big breasts then he should kindly let you go. It surely didn't give him the excuse to be inconsiderate of your feelings. It's not all one sided. Do you feel attracted to him? A smart man would give you compliments to turn you on. You should feel that when he views women as objects it makes him really unattractive. Women are not on this earth to serve him and to visually please him. He has to work hard to make a sexual relationship work. Maybe you two are just sexually incompatible, regardless of breast size. Maybe he is sexually incompetent and projecting this onto you. An experienced woman would have left him the second he makes condescending remarks. If he like his big breasted exes a lot why didn't the relationships work for him? Maybe he picked a younger girl like you so he feels more powerful. He is making you feel insecure and getting the upper hand. Don't let him, when secretly he is the one who is insecure in the bedroom, therefore finding the need to criticize instead of looking within for his own issues.
In my opinion I think you should go as I suspect he is a lousy lover. Let other men surprise you and bring you pleasure.
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