A
male
age
51-59,
*b109
writes:my problem started last christmas when the guy my wife used to go with moved in next door to her sister, he was her first ever lover when she was 16 and as far as i was concerned he lived in london and had done for 20 odd years this was not the case he had been living in our home town all the while. 10 years ago she admitted to me after months of rows that she had slept with him during the first 6 months of our relationship. i was devastated we have 2 daughters who are now 24 and 20. being old school i informed my wife that i was going to confront him when i had the chance, she threatened that i would loss her and the girls if i did, i thought this a huge price to pay for a simple pride slap to that rat. i started to think that maybe he knew something i didn't about my lovely wife, weeks after she had slept with him i went to the army during my time in there my wife had a secret trio to london that was never talked about, she has not admitted it but i have discovered that she has had a secret abortion paid for by her parents we have been married for 23 years have a good home and comfortable lifestyle but i can't get it out of my head, some days i want to kill her other days i love her to death, her parents don't know that i am aware of the truth, how do i out their evil without all hell breaking loose and losing my wife. help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): I can tell that you're suffering a lot of pain from your wife's betrayal, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've been there so I understand how awful it is.
Now, and rightly so, you feel that you can't trust your wife and so the ground has shifted beneath your feet, and you feel unsafe in the relationship.
Confronting this man or her parents will do no good whatsoever--may even cause more problems.
If you wish to save the relationship, the first step will be forgiveness and the next will be re-establishing trust. It will take you a while to get there. Before these two things can happen, your mind will need to process all of the pain her betrayal has caused. It will help if you two keep the channel of communication open and discuss the matter.
I hope she understands now that there's no room for secrets in a relationship. I hope that she has acknowledged the pain she has caused you and expressed her sorrow. I hope she's no longer the person she was back then. That was a very long time ago. Hopefully, she has been faithful to you ever since.
If she has, let that knowledge give your heart some healing. We all make bad choices at times. We all wish we could change something that we did in the past. She's only human, and it sounds like she was very young when this happened, not much more than a child herself. Let such knowledge creep into the pain and carry it away. Focus on what your relationship can yet still be.
I hope there is someone neutral that you can talk to about your pain. Counseling may help you both.
I prayed for you and your marriage, and I wish you the best. Please keep us updated.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015):
Your two daughters are both grown adults. (If they are both really yours, that is.) Your wife shouldn't be able to take them from you under any circumstances now.
Why are you so intent on keeping this woman? You cannot ever have the woman you were led to believe she was. The only one you can possibly have now is this cheating liar you are struggling to accept. Don't let yourself forget this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): The important thing is, the truth is out between you and your wife. The sad thing is that your marriage is damaged and eroding because of the truth. Your post doesn't come-off as a man who has forgiven his wife and wanting to just move on. It comes off as a man obsessed; because you're scornful and embittered that she slept with another man.
First, what benefit would you derive from airing your dirty laundry to the children? What occurred 23 years ago is long buried in history. If she had an affair early into your relationship? That is so dated, it's almost ridiculous to dig it up now. Unless you just want to build a good case to bury her in guilt and feed on her misery like a narcissist until she emotionally beaten to a pulp. I'm not sure of what you're asking.
The evil is in the past. You live in the present.
If you're finding it difficult to deal with all this, seek some counseling to allow your mind to find closure. These secrets are the types of family-secrets many marriages bury and move on from. It has no real bearing on who you both are now, it serves no beneficial purpose to dwell on it; and it's bothering you more than anyone else. So you're the one who requires help to get past it all. If you can't forgive, get out. Your post is filled with resentment and repressed anger. I can smell it form across the ocean!
Now if you're just jealous and insulted over the knowledge of the fact you know the man your wife had an affair with, and he lives too close for comfort; then maybe you will never get past this and should consider ending your marriage or moving far from the whole scene.
I don't think his close proximity makes any difference. You don't trust your wife, and you can't stand the thought of leaving her accessible to him. You fear she may just return to him in your absence. Your confusion comes mainly from your damaged male-ego.
Well, you're in a catch-22 situation. I think your trust is irreparable; and you're eventually going to convince yourself to just leave her. You're dwelling to hard on it, and it's going to manifest in some sort of anger and negative behavior. You're stewing in it, and that's a bad sign, my friend.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Her family went great lengths to cover up the truth so who told who about the abortion, and why 10 years ago? If the truth was about hurting you because you had rows and she wanted to show you she had great power over your emotions? You should talk to her parents about it. Just for the facts because if you got emotional you know they would always be on their daughter's side. And remember the point of all this is clarity, forgiveness. The evil is not just the lying, cheating, cover up but that it lasted 10 years. You were kept in the dark the whole time and you never had the chance to make a decision with her, and that includes whether to get married to her.
Your wife would rather lose you than for you to know the truth but I think you deserve to know the truth. If she can't be truthful to you then you shouldn't be afraid of losing her.
With all the anger you have I am not sure if the marriage is salvageable and whether you can truly forgive her. Being able to forgive is a personal thing. First she needs to present herself as a woman with dignity for forgiveness.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 First, it is admirable that you did not "confront" the guy because it would achieve nothing. You confront only if there are gains to be gotten from that action.
Second, be grateful that your wife does not harbor any romantic feelings for her old flame given the proximity and availability of this guy to her. Remember, she could be like you and harbor her romantic feelings for this guy just the way you still harbor grievances about your wife about things that have happened 20+ years ago.
Third, given that you say that you have proof of her abortion, then there is no way to undo that. Since abortion cannot be undone, it is pointless to scream, shout, "kill", confront or what have you ...because none of that can undo abortion.
Fourth, you are correct that abortion is evil because it is legalized murder, therefore, you should approach that issue with more compassion. She may have had a reason that is compelling to her to do the abortion, so the point here is not to mistake your feelings about the abortion vs her responsibility of committing the abortion. If abortion is evil, it is evil that she has done, not against you but against a child that could have been a grown human being. Hence compassion for your wife because she already has a burden to answer for.
Finally, you have to decide what sort of an outcome do you want out of this situation. Keep in mind, her cheating and the abortion are acts that are undoable, so those cannot be an undone. Ultimately, the outcome can be that you decide to keep your wife or decide to dump your wife. If you decide to dump her, then you have your facts and use them to divorce her, otherwise, you have to forgive, just like you did her infidelity.
I believe that you want to keep your wife so after some period of coming to grips with this situation, you need to decide to forgive, and then with the forgiveness as your aim, "confront" your wife with the facts and tell her that she has to come clean on this if she wants forgiveness. Coming clean can be a process but always assure that forgiveness and clarity will be the result.
Your wife has to also understand that these sort of secrets eventually come to haunt, that they resurface and that at her age and amount of investment in marriage she needs to clear them and put them past her. If I were you, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that any future revelations of past infidelities or scandals like these would mean divorce and that you will remain alert for such revelations. That would give her a reason to provide clarity.
Finally, find the way to put safe and large distance between both of you and that guy then seek for ways to start all over. You can make it work.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Despite abortions being legal, and more easily accessible, they still, even a mere 25 years ago, were often kept hidden in the dark and never, ever, talked about, sometimes the secret was between mother and daughter, or both parents, or sisters, or even between good friends, depending who drove the patient to the clinic and home again, and never, ever talked about. Never! And in many cases the secrecy extended to the father of the unborn, for a number of reasons, possibly the father wasn't around, or the relationship was very new, or the mother was too young.
We don't know why the fact your wife had an abortion when she was a young, unmarried woman was buried, but I don't think you should be asking in your current frame of mind.
As for you wanting to punch your wife's ex boyfriend, because they slept together 6 months into your relationship with her, when she was a young, unmarried woman, to be wanting to punch somebody after all these years of what I assume is 23 years of a good marriage, 2 children who are now young adults, why bring up the past and something that happened so long ago ......... what?
Evil? Where is the evil, there is no evil here, just life, and people making choices, some good choices and some bad choices, and some downright stupid choices, but no evil.
My suggestion is that you go and talk to somebody, your GP might be a good start, and get a referral to a councillor or somebody who will be able to help you to talk and work out some strategies for dealing with this mess without costing you wife, your daughters and your marriage.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 November 2015):
When did you discover the abortion and are you absolutely sure that you know this was the purpose of the trip? If you have proof positive that this is what happened, I think you have to ask your wife about it. What’s very clear is that this is eating you up, and you’ve probably always harboured some insecurities since she admitted her infidelity to you. Good for you resisting the urge to confront this man, by the way: it would have solved nothing and made things much worse for you, her and your children.
To have aborted a pregnancy that, I assume, could have been your baby or his, and to not tell you as her husband was a huge betrayal. Perhaps she was scared and perhaps she naively hoped that things could just settle back to normal when you returned, but secrets have a horrible way of coming back to haunt you. You call it “their evil,” but remember good people can do evil things when they’re lost and out of their depth so she deserves some compassion. So I would not scream and shout but I would sit her down and first tell her that you have found things out that you need to discuss honestly. Assure her that you’re not going to make any hasty decisions and that you want to understand from her point of view what happened. Explain the evidence and ask her to explain: I’m afraid she owes you this. How she responds will tell you a lot about how much this marriage means to her. She should understand that you deserve a bit of honesty, but then again you deserved sympathy and apologies rather than threats to leave you when you were angry with the man she slept with, so I’m quite concerned that she puts her own interests very much ahead of your own and any concern for you. I’m afraid no-one knows what will happen next and where you go from there but the worst thing for everyone is for you to sit on this, being unable to shake off your bitterness at such a betrayal. If you don’t talk this out it’ll become even more toxic. A horrible situation where no choice is easy but this needs clearing up.
I wish you all the very best.
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