A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend [27,M] broke up with me [26,F] 16 days ago because I lied to him about quitting smoking cigarettes, and i have been doing everything in my power to get him back, but he will not take me back. I have texted him everyday constantly and he barley replies. I have shown up at his house begging, and pleading, in tears and he still won't get back together with me. I have showered him with gifts and affection, promising him anything he wants, and still nothing. I "accidentally" bumped into him playing basketball at the gym, and he looked me dead in my eye and walked past me like he didn't even know me. I can't sleep, I am having at least 3 mental breakdowns a day and he doesn't even care. He texts me and ask if I'm ok when he knows I'm not, and he keeps asking my friends and my brother asking me how I'm doing when he knows exactly how I'm doing. I'm just so depressed, and need advice on how to deal with this??
View related questions:
broke up, depressed, get back together, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): Lying is a deal breaker for me, however the plonker knew you smoked when he got with you. You were not a non smoker at the outset. He is lying himself, this is not the real reason he has split with you. He is enjoying having power over you and keeping the foot in the door, by asking friends and family how you are.
The only fault here on your side is the 'porky pie's'not a good thing to do to anyone and above all, cheating yourself. If you smoke, you smoke, don't lie about it.
If he thinks he can shock you into quitting, then remember his controlling tactics stink.
Get rid of him,then quit smoking for you alone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): Think about it, do you really think he split from you because of you smoking cigarettes. Obviously there is more to it. Please do not contact or follow him anymore. You are coming across as desperate. I know the separation is hurting you but it's clear he wants distance and please leave some form of dignity for yourself. Your only fueling his ego. Your young there are other men out there. If he can terminate a relationship over cigarettes, well lucky escape for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 November 2015):
 I believe your B/F acted appropriately.... considering that: 1. YOU KNEW that he didn't like your smoking, 2. You SAID that you would discontinue, and 3. That was a lie, and you DID smoke after claiming you would stop....
IF smoking is his deal-breaker, THEN you could have predicted how he would react when he found that you hadn't stopped.
I would have done just what he did, as well....
Good luck. Find a B/F who doesn't object to your smoking.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): The smoking thing. Right now that is where I am at.I myself am trying to quit and the one thing about it is that is hard as hell.Some one who does not smoke does not get it.It is proven harder to quit smoking than having to quit herion. I really believe that.My husband said he would quit too but has not.Smelling it and having it done right in front of me is pure touture.He does not understand that I can smell it everywhere in this house because of him.Even if he is downstairs by an open window i can smell it upstairs.The smell really sticks to you.People think I still smoke because his smoke smell is on me and my clothes because of him.I quit because at age 51 I had a stroke.Smoke makes the inside of your veins sticky they hold the fat then block bloodflow to your brain.Even second hand smoke does this to you as well.Maybe there is a history of stroke in his family and he you know like me wants to live.I am working daily staying smoke free because it is a daily struggle.But one thing I say again is people who have never smoked have no idea what it is like to go thru this..people like your ex.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 November 2015):
 OP, for some people smoking is a deal-breaker. And I think you KNEW that and that is what motivated you to lie to him. But here is the thing about lying. When you lied to your BF about smoking you were basically telling him that you thought he wouldn't find out. You know how EASY it is for a non-smoker to spot a smoker? We can smell you a mile away. Add to that.. the whole drama queen routine? ... 3 mental breakdowns a day? Maybe the lying about the smoking was just the tip of the iceberg as to why he broke up with you.
Not only were you still smoking (deal-breaker) but to top of the cake... you also lied. And then you went all "bunny-boiler" clingy stalker on him!
If he doesn't WANT to date a smoker, that is within his rights. If you don't want to quit smoking, that is within YOURS. If he doesn't want to deal with your drama... that is again within his right. And IF you want to be a drama queen then THAT is your right too, just remember people around it will likely not react positive that that.
STOP stalking him and stop trying to contact him. BACK away. Show some self-respect and show HIM some respect.
Chill, honey. You are NOT going to have a healthy relationship if 1. you lie and 2. you are over the top dramatic. 3. stalk your ex. 4. make empty promises. Learn to reign it in a bit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): When you lie to someone it means you don't respect them.
Maybe he feels if you'll lie to him about smoking then you'll lie about anything. Maybe he really doesn't like liars.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2015): I truly believe you're in denial. I think your boyfriend has a lot more reasons than smoking. He found a convenient and feasible reason he may consider the final straw; but I think there are a few more reasons than you will accept, or he has decided he really doesn't feeling like a big dramatic breakup with laying out all the reasons for you. Enough was enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Your boyfriend breaking up with you seems to be the end of the story, and without knowing the beginning and the middle of the story it is difficult to advise what to do, if anything.
What was the reason for the breakup, the smoking or the lying?
You need to get some calm happening in your life, and the best way to do this would be to back off for now, stop trying to get in touch with him, stop texting, stop accidentally bumping into him, stop with trying to buy him back with expensive gifts.
It seems unlikely that this was a bolt from the blue, and that there had been previous discussions about smoking, which might seem trivial to some people but for others it is a deal breaker.
So back off, give him some space, give up the cigarettes, (really give them up), and hopefully after a week or two he will be prepared to sit down and have a talk over a coffee or similar.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 November 2015):
Okay it was a bit of an overreaction but my goodness what lengths you are going to in order to show him you’re sorry and you’re really cut up by what’s happened. Yet despite this, he’s still largely ignoring you. I’m sorry but that’s proof to me that he’s not interested anymore and your deceit over the smoking is probably the excuse he needed. It’s clear that you are deeply upset but as he has no desire to get back with you, it’s not him you should be turning to because he can’t give you what you want. This is raw, painful and exactly the time you should lean on friends and family to support you in coming to terms with the breakup. These things get harder before they get easier. You also have to completely cut contact and if he starts getting back in touch with you, tell him that if it’s over he must leave you in peace and then continue to ignore him. Eventually you’ll see this as a blessing: if he reacts this badly this would have only happened further down the line.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
|
