A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:I have a long-winded problem that I need an outside eye to help me figure out how to be on equal and better terms with my sister.The past year has been a rollercoaster of incidents, one after another with her, and I want off. Growing up, we weren't tight know, since she's 7 years older, but we liked each other and were friends. I was even her maid of honor at her wedding 6 years ago.I believe it started with borrowing their tent last summer, on their offer. We had an unfortunate rainy last few days we had to pack up in, and a bit of mildew and corner of mold grew after our 12 hour drive back. I was honest and told them the facts. Their response was 'We understand you didn't do it on purpose. It was an old (10 year old) tent we didn't use, so how about you guys get one, and we'll borrow it if we ever go camping again.' Great! We agreed, but since it was the end of September, and tents were gone in stores, we decided to get one in the Spring.Over Christmas, we got engaged, and I asked my sister to be my matron of honor (since we decided we would be each other's years ago). Over the fall and winter, we had invited them over to our place (my fiance and I) to hang out, watch movies, but they always seemed busy, but we just brushed it off.Around March, however, while I was babysitting their daughter, my cute niece started saying her parents were upset about the tent from last fall. Finding it weird they didn't say anything, I went out and got them a new (and bigger) tent anyways and brought it over with (another) apology. A week later, I got a text saying 'thank you, but we like our old brand better, so we want a different one'. After searching, I found out their's was a discontinued SportChek store brand, so I couldn't get another. A week later, they texted to either give them '$300 or buy them one of 2 chosen tents from Canadian Tire'. So we returned the earlier tent and bought one of their chosen tents. We borrowed and tent, so I'll give a tent. They then made camping plans in June to a national park, but rented cabins instead of using the new tent.Trying to get past this, I focused on wedding plans, only to have my sister now try to kabosh all our decisions. I found out, from my niece again, that my sister has been telling my mom to try to change my mind on our choice of flowers, the favors we made, and the fact I'm having a dressmaker make my dress. She said it was an insult to them I wouldn't buy from a store (since they both got theirs from a store) and (I quote) "We should cancel the venue because it will look nicer than you in a made dress"This just floored me and threw me into a bit of depression recently, because we chose what we did for the wedding (so far) because it was what I wanted to wear and what reflected us, not to upset other people. Therefore, I've stopped telling them whats been going on with the planning (still 8 months to go). So my sister, at a family supper, said if I didn't tell people what's going on, she wants nothing to do with the wedding. I'm at my wits end. Her manipulative, controlling behaviour is too much to take, and I'm never excited to do anything for the wedding/talk about it anymore. We've even talked about eloping. I've since sat down with my parents and told them where we're at with the planning and things went well with them without my sister there. But I can't bring myself to talk to her since I feel upset/depressed at her behaviour and talking behind my back. My decisions as a whole are never respected, and when I've offered and apology and honesty, it has meant nothing. Ultimately, I would like an apology for her behavior and for her to just be happy for us and support our decisions, but I can't even stand to be near her, HELP!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): I gave this more thought concerning your niece. She wants to make peace, and she is telling you things from a child's perspective; and from how she sees it. That isn't necessarily what the case is regarding your sister.
Although the proceedings and issues are quite immature, it's still a matter between adults. Not for children to share in the feuding process. Simple suggest she not repeat the things her parents discuss in private.
You should always discourage children from discussing what their parents say in private. They don't how to filter the material they hear. Unless it's abusive to the child, or causing them undue stress; it's really not your business what her family discusses within their unit. The young lady is trying to make peace for her family, and she feels you're at fault. She can't be more objective than that.
The one thing she has seen, is how you've gone out of your way to do what's right. So always reassure her that you love her mother, and you don't always see eye to eye.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): My sister is also a bratty self centered judgmental Control freak who thinks her opinion is law. Luckily I've learned how to deal with her. Whenever she's going on about my life choices and judging me. I simply tell her to mind her fuking business. It's my life. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want and she can either get on board or fuk off. Then we normally go a few weeks of not speaking because she's so hurt that I don't "value her opinion". And she makes it about her and my mother calls me saying "try to work things out with your sister. You only have one. I need you two to get along." Of course always trying to get me to "be the bigger person". Then I tell my mother to mind her business stop coddling my meddling sister and back off from me because I'm just living my life. Then she plays the I'm old card and try's to guilt me into talking to my sister. Which I do after I tell her that she's a negative miserable Bitch who needs to but out of everyone's business. Then she tells me how she only meddles because she cares so much. Whatever!!
It's dysfunctional. I know. But my point is you have to stand up for yourself. You have to let your sister know that either she can get on board with what you want for your wedding or she can fuk off. It's not about her. It's about you. You're going to do what makes you happy. If she doesn't want to be involved then great. You don't need her negativity. Plan the wedding you want and be Happy. You can't let family bring you down. If you want to be happy then be happy. They're the ones with the problem not you.
And tell your little gossiping niece to stop ear hustling. Don't be a gossipy chic. It's unattractive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): Maybe because she knows you try to copy and compete with everything she does. So she's annoyed by you. Shoot I would be to if I had a sister like that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 November 2015):
 First up, stop listening to your niece, how old is she anyway, you refer to her as "cute" so I am assuming old enough to be listening in on adult conversations but too young to know to not repeat!! I am also interested to know how YOU know your niece is not stirring or misrepresenting what she is hearing. Just stop listening to her!
Now, as to the wedding plans, all that stuff about your dress and flowers and venue, that came from your niece, right? The stuff about the tent also started with your niece ..... how old is this niece, could she be stirring trouble?
I think you need to call your sister, ask her straight out if she is going to be your maid of honour .... if you would rather not do that but get your apology, you need to let your sister know, she can't apologise if she is unaware she has upset you.
If, after speaking with her, you still feel she is trying t manipulate your wedding, just gently tell her that you are planning the wedding that you and your fiancé want, and you hope that she and her family will still join in the celebrations on the day.
Personally, I'd be keeping an eye on your niece, the trouble seems to have started when she repeated the sorts of conversations we all hold in the privacy of our own homes that we do not expect to be repeated outside of it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 November 2015):
 As an outsider I can still feel the pain and am disturbed by her actions. You wonder where your friendly sister had gone. Her manipulating behavior started last year, out of nowhere. It could be hormonal imbalance, her state of her marriage, her stress of taking care of the kids, or even untreated postpartum problems which caused her to be bossy or borderline. Something happened to her that 8 months' time may not be enough for any reconciliation.
It's hard to be happy at your wedding day if now you feel like you lost your sister's identity. While it would be unfair to your fiancé to postpone the wedding, you can try to emotionally detach from your sister. I don't think that would be hard if you weren't tight before.
If I were you, your sister is off limits to the wedding. Even if she forced her way in, she would be negatively commenting on everything that's wrong in the venue, the food, your dress and that would ruin your wedding.
I would go ahead with the wedding and pick your fiancé's sister or relative to be maid or honor. Look forward to it, then when everything is over try to understand what happened to your sister's life. If your mom doesn't see anything wrong then she got charmed by your sister. She's showing one face to your mom and another to you, and pretending her life is great.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): Your sister is a mean and petty person. This whole situation is out of jealousy; and a childhood resentment she has carried for you all her life. You'll get not apology. She wants you to suffer craving one.
There is little you can do with people who never give-up the past, or harbor jealousy toward you.
Your every act of kindness and goodwill will be thrown back in your face, because she is also a passive-aggressive who gets her kicks out watching you go overboard to fix things or patch things up. Just so she can purposely reject it all. That tent is not the problem, never was.
You're making a fool of yourself and she's playing it all against you. So stop it! If you're at your wit's end, it's your own fault. Not hers. Know when someone's making a jackass out of you!
There's no nicer way to put it, except she's being a total bitch, girlfriend! She resents you and your fiance; and how you'd do anything to please her. She hates that about you.
So stop it! You're too goody-goody for her, and she likes hurting you for it. It gives her twisted pleasure to see you squirm and the pain it causes you. She may also have a mild social/emotional disorder deep down, that you're working against in utter futility.
Now you. You've got a bunch of anger all bottled-up and trying too hard to be Miss Goody-two-shoes. That annoys your sister. Your mother also! They're a gang you know?
Mom shows you one face, and her another.
You won't just tell her how mean she is, and how she acted childishly over that stupid tent. Please call it stupid when you refer to it; because it is! You acted like a nincompoop running all over hell and back trying to replace that piece of junk. While she sat back and waited to tell you how wrong you were. Over and over you went to replace it only to be rejected for it. She played you like a cheap fiddle and made a total ass out of you and your fiance.
She's got a quill up her butt; and your best bet is to just distance yourself, and be nice to your niece. You'll do anything to keep her from gossiping about you, and she'll do anything to let you know she will.
That's the emotional blackmail she's held over you all your life! It's the most ridiculous and most immature behavior for two grown women to exhibit in-front of her daughter. Setting the worst examples for sisters ever!
Tell her you're sorry about the tent, but it was really all stupid. You love her, but she is showing the worse side of herself you can remember; and you find it difficult making any sense with her. She's uncompromising and holds grudges.
Immature to the max! Just plain mean! A bully! Call her out, but not in a nasty way. Just straight-forwardly.
Welcome her to the wedding if she wishes to come, but replace her before she pulls a stunt to ruin your day.
She's turned inside out with envy, and you really need to give her room to get over herself. Get away from her, set-up play-dates for the children whenever; but avoid her for awhile. She's got some issues. Stop pretending your relationship with her is what it isn't.
Your mother should be the referee and moderator through all of this; obviously she isn't. She allowed this to get out of hand and could have nipped it at the bud years ago. Instead she's behind the scenes instigating it. I will go out on a limb and say, your mother is partially the reason this is all happening. You pissed those two off years ago, and they're going to make your life hell. The rest is simply immaturity between two sisters. One who needs approval; and the other who can't stand your youth, better financial situation, and other things she thinks you have better than she does. Which may even include the earning potential between you and your finance. She can't bring herself to be happy for you. Envy overwhelms her.
Let her gossip, let the little girl know she shouldn't let this upset her. She's just a child, and she may even be trying to figure out on her own what her mother's problem is. She assumes it's the tent, it's the "green monster," my dear. Nothing more, nothing less.
Your mother listens to her. Instead of correcting her, she agrees and empathizes with her. Only she isn't doing it openly. That's why she tried to talk your mother into suggesting you change the flowers, because she knows she will listen and execute her suggestions. Sometimes it's to keep the peace, others because she thinks more like your sister.
If your mother isn't the peace-maker, she an co-conspirator.
Only you will be able to deal easier with her, than your sister. She's been poisoned, and you have to neutralize it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 November 2015):
 Pick a new Matron of honor. If she wants nothing to do with your wedding... Maybe ask her if she wants you to remove her from the wedding list etc. After all you are following HER wishes.
I get the whole tent fiasco, your sister shouldn't have put her kids in the middle of it, but THAT is how she works. She doesn't like confrontations. IF she had been honest when you first told her about the mildew/mold etc. you could have bought her a new tent right then and there OR just found a place that could clean the tent. (or done it yourself) There are a LOT of good advice on how to do JUST that (I just went a googled it, so you could have done that as well). Or she herself (since she said don't worry) could have done it herself. I know, I would have. Something "crap" happens.
This is YOUR (and your future husband's) wedding. YOUR dress, YOUR venue. YOUR party favors. YOUR flowers. which leads to.... it's YOUR flipping choice HOW you want it done and how you want it to look.
I recently saw pictures of a friend of mine's nieces wedding. It was a "fall barn themed wedding" and honestly? It looked adorable, amazing food and very much the bride and groom sense of style/taste. Very intimate and homey.
Now your sister might have had a different kind of wedding and good for her, but that doesn't mean you have to COPY hers or do as SHE want you to.
I'm sorry she isn't being a very good sister or friend. But overall this is HER loss if she can't just be happy for you.
I doubt you will get an apology and seriously? I wouldn't hold my breath for one. Move on, enjoy your wedding and your life.
Have you asked your parents what they think you should do? I mean cutting her of and out of the wedding might seem to harsh - and I'm sure your mom can help figure out how to make it work or whether to let her stew.
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