A
female
age
36-40,
*oops
writes:I have had a really bad relationship in the past that was emotionally abusive and resulted in me being very insecure.He cheated on me repeatedly, lied about even basic things and put me down constantly, when he kicked me out I was left pretty downtrodden. I started a new relationship after giving myself some time to sort myself and have been very happy in it, my insecurities didn't emerge and I felt completely safe and secure in it, I know he loves me, I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, and we've been together 7 months now after knowing each other for a good 5 years before that. He's done absolutely nothing to make me feel insecure. My personal circumstances outside of the relationship however have been very rocky, I am still paying off the debt caused by my ex, a close relative of mine got diagnosed with terminal cancer last year and has slowly got worse in the last few months and I am unhappy in my job. In the last few weeks I have felt niggles of daft insecurity slowly return despite the fact my boyfriend has done nothing to cause them, its making me feel lonely and vulnerable pretty much constantly, I've stopped sleeping and eating anywhere near as well and its turned into a vicious circle. I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, who seems to be pretty understanding saying that due to my current personal circumstances its hardly surprising and that he isn't taking it personally, however in my head I see that it must be frustrating for him and this worries me in itself that it may put too much pressure on the only ever relationship I've truly been happy in.I just wanted advice from anyone whose been in a similar situation or can maybe see the woods from the trees more than I can. I have been toying with the idea of seeing a doctor but I am not so keen on it. I've tried talking to him but I don't feel I explain myself very well, Its not a case that he's done anything I just feel that way out regardless, and its not his fault and I really don't want it to ruin our relationship.
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cheated on me, debt, emotionally abusive, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, InLoveAgain  +, writes (19 April 2012):
What you have written here sounds so similar to what I am currently going through. I'm in love with the most beautiful man I have ever met. He has so much inner beauty and charm. He treats me like gold and makes me feel so good. But sadly, my previous marriage left me so insecure that I feel I'm failing this new, beautiful,7-month relationship Im having with my current dream man. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. And Its as if I just am not comfortable in my new relationship because, my new man....well he just treats me so well. Im looking for advice myself. I'm so in love. And I want my new relationship to work so badly. But I've noticed I think I'm making him frustrated with me. I start to cry out of the blue sometimes. And I have this growing fear that one day his charming behavior will fade, and he'll turn out like my ex. I KNOW this won't happen. But the fear is still there nonetheless. I just don't want my new love to find me too neurotic and leave me. He's very understanding and sees things from my point of view... But only up to a certain extent. I mean I am neurotic. My ex was always calling me names and had left me an emotional wreck.
A
female
reader, loops +, writes (9 October 2011):
loops is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for all the replies they have all been very helpful.
I have followed some of the advice, I wrote a list of the irrational things that set me off being insecure so I can remember that they are just me being irrational, I also wrote down every reason why I trust my boyfriend, they are both in my diary so I can take a look every time they start creeping up on me. Ive also ordered men are from mars to have a read through.
I am a little wary of involving doctors/ counsellors, Ive been to them before and been diagnosed with depression around 6/7 times since I was 17 (around the time i met my abusive ex), Ive been given anti depressants around 4 times which just make me feel numb and never solve anything, and seen about 3 different counsellors, who although sympathise very well with why I keep ending up back in the same spiral over and over dont seem to ever actually give me any solutions to it, and talking it over doesnt seem to do anything but bring up old wounds.
I am unsure where to go from here really, other than I think boosting my own self esteem rather than going over old ground is probably the best way, however the communication bit which youve all suggested im going to use as a key part of it, as I tend to hide away from actually talking about how I feel. Ive spoke to my boyfriend a little more openly now about how bad I feel, and how thats not his doing, I also got him to read this post and the responses as I felt it would help him understand better, rather than me just coming across like Im blaming him/ its his fault which I never have wanted to do.
Thank you guys I really appreciate it :)
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Off course it is not his fault but also it isn't your fault either. You had a relationship with a bad apple and now that takes time to heal. Off course you are going to be left insecure and paranoid and with everything else going on in your life it is just a huge weight on your shoulders. If things do get worse and you find yourself becoming obsessive or possessive then you do need to go and see a doctor. Because even though your boyfriend is understanding at the moment and trying to support you he will eventually feel pushed out and it will drive him away. Write down everything in a piece of paper that you like about your boyfriend. Write about how trust worthy he is, how he shows you that he loves you. Everything good you can think about write it down and when these insecure feelings happen look over the piece of paper and make yourself believe all of these things. It can act as a happy reminder and put your mind at ease. Don't let your past relationship destroy the rest of your life.
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A
male
reader, Thelaird1 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I have been in your situation before, so understand you completely. You prob spend a lot of time crying and not really knowing why.
I think you would really benefit from speaking to your doctor and have him refer you to a councillor, because it could have a huge negative effect on your self esteem and relationship.
Talk openly to your boyfriend about your deepest feelings, as it's imperative you have his understanding and support.
I know what it's like to feel deceived, disrespected, undervalued and self hatred, even if it is all in the head.
Communication is the key here, but it will get better and you will remain optimistic.
I wish you the very best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I was married to a man for a very long time who constantly used to cheat on me and would have sworn the sky was pink. He lied about everything and the relationship made me very ill. I am now married again and even though my new husband has not done anything I am paranoid about him cheating on me. I am so very insecure that he only has to talk to a female and I feel threatened. I understand fully what you are going through and it is hard to stop this when the feeling starts within you. I imagine you are still going through the turmoil of the breakup in your mind and it has not been put to bed yet as you still are picking up the pieces financially. All I can say is try to accept the man you are with as a new person and don't put your fears of what might happen again onto him. He doesn't appear to have done anything to make you feel worried or insecure so try to control yourself feeling that way. My insecurities were so bad that I have succeeded in pushing away my second husband who just can't cope with my craziness as he calls it. I did have councelling and went to my gp but for me it did not help - it may be different for you and is probably worth a try. These long term abusive relationships take years to get over and just because you are with a new partner doesn't make the feelings go away. I feel that I am constantly looking for it all to happen agin to me and by doing this I am actually making it happen. Please try and relax and calm yourself and see this man as a different one who has done nothing to make you feel worried. To put your mind at rest and make you feel you are addressing these issues I would go and see your GP. The very best of luck xx
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Hi there,
I really understand, I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship, and it took me a long while to find myself again. I've since met a wonderful man, who adores me - I know he is sincere whenhe tells me I'm beautiful, sexy etc etc but sometimes I question it.
I found an old copy of men are from mars women are from Venus, that I brought in my last relationship many yearsago to try and understand what was making my then bf tick. I flound myself reading it recently as I couldn't understand why/how I had this wonderful new man in my life and yet I felt like the world was caving in and waiting for something bad to happen.
Then I read this book and I cannot tell you how much it helped, one piece in particular.
This particular piece is in tbe very last chapter talks about how when we feel loved safe cherished suddenly all our unresolved feelings of the past come up, how suddenly we feel scarred to love or be loved - because all those horrible past feelings come up to be healed John Gray discusses that 90% of what we feel during these times is down to past hurt. I read this chapter and just cried realising why I was feeling so bad and almost pushing my partner away, if you can get a copy as it might help you too.
Emotional abuse is just as painful and destroying on a person as physical abuse, so do talk to a proffesional I found talking to the smaritains helped me, my doctor, my closest friends who had no idea of the extent but told me after they had realised what was happening.
The book also goes into details on how to communicate with your partner (there so different from us ladies!!) by saying "I feel" makes them think your not blaming them
I wish you all the luck in the world, I'm stronger than I've ever been because of what I went through and finally have the relationship I really want!
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