A
male
age
41-50,
*artinjanson
writes:Hi, not sure how to start this but hoping to get some good advice. I have been with my wife for 9 years married for 4 and last year i had an affair for 3 months with a woman who is friends with one of my friends. There was a connection from the very start and it was hard to stop. It was an emotional and physical affair which was highly intense for the both of us. Throughout the affair i did end it a few times out of guilt, but one of us would always resume contact. My ex affair partner is also in a long term relationship and engaged with a child (i have a child also) and they have been together for 8 years. Cutting a long story short, i fell in love with her after the first month or so and told her that, she told me she felt the same. We spoke constantly and spoke about the future. We nearly got caught on four occasions.Her fiance contacted me as he had found a number on her phone he didnt recognise, i replied to his voicemail saying i didnt know what he was on about, changed my number and gave it to affair partner straight away. I was so swept away with her i didnt care if i got caught at the time.Toward the end of those three months I ended the affair again but we ended up sleeping together the same night.She didn't return my calls after that and im sorry to say i did call her and text her like a maniac to find out why she hadnt called. She told me she was trying to give me what i wanted. I treated her really badly towards the end and i feel absolutely awful because i did care about her. The affair ended completely at the end of december last year, i was worried about her fiance finding out and decking me, my reputation, and i didnt want my wife to find out, because i didnt want to hurt her.My affair partner became frustrated toward the end and understandably she was really upset but i completely cut her off, told her i didnt feel anything for her anymore, changed my mobile number and email and havent contacted her since. The day before Christmas eve her fiance chased me down the road and i assumed obviously that she had told him everything. I didnt know what the hell to do, so i got my mum to go round to their house and tell her fiance what happened between us was completely over. I get now that i must have completely humiliated her and do feel really bad about it because near on 8 months later (end of last week) my wife had an email from ex ap's Aunty telling her everything that happened in our affair, and that my affair partner didnt know she had contacted contacted her.Her aunty also wrote in the email that i was a coward for sending my mum round to sort out my problems and humiliating her niece when i was the one who relentlessly pursued her and that she hadnt told her fiance what happened, that he assumed it was me that was contacting her, because i was out with them the week before. She called me an idiot, she is probably right. I do believe that it was her aunty because my ex ap loved me and wouldnt have told her herself, the reason her aunty told of the affair was because i screwed her niece over, which i do understand.Obviously before this time i hadnt told my wife anything about that happened between the two of us so it really hit the fan. I apologised endlessly for hurting her and took full responsibility for what i done and for my choices. After all, i hadnt been happy in my marriage for a long time and i saw the only way out of all this was to be completely honest. My wife is trying to forgive me but and this is a big BUT, i cant get the other woman out of my head. I thought by ending the affair in a harsh way that it would make it easier on her and my being blunt and telling her i didnt feel anything for her anymore would somehow make it easier for her to move on.....coming on 9 months later and i really wish i hadnt ended it the way i did. I saw her in passing yesterday and still find her really attractive and i know i still have feelings for her, i think i still love her.I get that people will say its infatuation. That i did the right thing for ending it but truth be told, we got on really really well, the chemistry was just a bonus and just looking at her made my heart jump. I am clueless about what to do. Cant get her out of my head, trying to work on things in my marriage like i told her i would do. At the time my decision to end it was based on the whirlwind that it was, things were so so intense that everything was happening too quickly, nearly being caught, affair partner wanting answers etc, it was easier to cut all contact, carry on with my old routine of a life and be a b*stard about it than to beat round the bush with her and get more tangled in the web of lies and make things worse for myself, i know it was a cowardly thing to do. She was so inlove with me and time with her felt so right, i hate that i hurt her. Since the email from her aunty, she herself has also emailed my wife and has apologised for everything and has told my wife, it wasnt my fault, that the reason she didnt end it wasbecause she loved me and it blinded her to the reality of the situation and that she will be forever remorseful for having an affair but that she has moved on and will never go near me again. I am so confused and dont know what to do, its all one huge mess. Me and ex ap live literally 10 mins from eachother in the same small village and i am bound to see her regularly. I dont know what to do, im trying to work on my marriage which i am doing mostly for my child and for my step children, i love my wife and care about her but is it really THAT love, you know the type thats overwhelming, i dont think it is. With my ex it was overwhelming, every touch, every look, her humour, she was perfect and i compeltely screwed up, ive screwed not only her over but my wife also. I dont want to be hated, i love my life and i want my kids to be happy and most of all dont want to hurt my wife who has stood by me for 9 years through everything but im really afraid, i made a mistake to end it with this woman, was she the one?? who knows but i feel dead inside without her.My question is do i contact her, will she ever forgive me?, i said some really hurtful things and i know she probably hates me. Have i lost the best thing thats ever happened to me....i think so!! I tried to do the right thing and its cokmpletely backfired, maybe the saying is true, you dont know what youve got till its gone, this woman loved me just for me, i married my wife so many years ago because it was the right thing to do, its what people expected of me, she was loving, caring, a great mother to her children from her last marriage at the time it seemed the right thing to do but did i ever feel head over heels inlove with her, no i didnt.Sorry about the length, didnt mean to write a novel! just so confused, my head is a mess and im worried ive made a really bad choice in ending this with her, cutting her compeltely out of my life and being so mean to her. The other woman asked me at the end if ending the relationship was what i really wanted and i said under no circumstance would i contact her again, i had lost feelings for her and that i needed to work on my marriage, i think i recall saying some other pretty nasty stuff to end it quickly too, what the hell have i done!? i closed the door completely and made her hate me (probably) because i couldnt handle the situation and just wanted to run from it. I think ive made the biggest mistake of my life please any advice would be really appreciated right about now. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): I can relate, as I had a similar thing happen to me, although I went with my mistress over my family and wife of 15 years. It ended poorly Let me tell you something...Save your marriage. You have a bond, a vow and history with your wife. You also have children. You dont have that with your mistress. In the scheme of things, you WILL be much unhappier if you let your marriage fail and go with your mistress. Why? because not only will you feel the same feelings of loss and remorse over your wife as you do now with your mistress should you leave, but the flood of happy memories, history, holidays, birthdays, fun times and joy that you have with your family will all haunt your soul because YOU ended them.I believe in being happy, but what I didn't realize is that happiness comes in many forms. And most of all, we BUILD our happiness. THere is no greater joy in this world than having people we know and love and growing old with them...watching them change and change with you over the years. Sure, you could build that with a new person. But if your soul is clouded, it will not happen fully. Right now, you have your family and your wife, and most amazingly, she is willing to work on the marriage with you. SIEZE that opportunity, I plead with you. You cannot see right now what you stand to lose. You only see the loss of a lover that entered your life. Consider that a lesson...you needed something, you went outside the marriage to get it. You got burned, but you can heal. If you end your marriage, part of you will never heal. I assure you.Work on your marriage, and if it is truly over, you can leave it with a clear conscience knowing you tried, and go on to love again. Sadly, I think thre is too much pain and trouble with the mistress to pursue that, but who knows. Life is strange. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Yes OP your wife deserves so much better. She is not second best and should never be treated as such. You may now pine for your ex lover. But what about her CL hb and her kid?U have not suffered at all. It is your wife and this other woman who now have to pick up the pieces of their lives. Personally u don't deserve either .If u have no feelings for your wife then sadly divorce her. She deserves a chance at happiness .U need to remember that your wife did not destroy your home. It takes two to destroy a marriage and the sooner u realise this the better.U seem to have a lot of positives to say about the OW. If she was just so good and honourable then why take another womans hb (just asking).Since u have already made up your mind to leave then please do so with the least pain for your wife and kids. I think she has suffered enough, don't u think so?LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): I think you're behavior is not something to be admired at all. You got married out of obligation, but you haven't said why. You had an affair and hurt your wife and others. You had your mom speak to your affair partner and her fiance because you were afraid of him I suppose? Her Aunt is right, you're actions are cowardly, you should have faced the music for all the shit you helped to create!
I think you're in love with drama more than anything else. I feel sorry for your wife.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2011):
 Wow, this was from last year. I doubt your affair partner still hates you. In fact you hope she hates you because this proves she still has feelings for you. I guess you don't want the mess but you hate that she became indifferent to you.
My advice stays the same. Go get a divorce and find a single woman who is sexy and caring. A divorce is not a failure. People get divorce every single day across the globe. It gives you one more chance to find that right woman. Half of the children population live with step dads.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): i am the poster of this question - thank you for all your replies, i have taken all of them on board, my ex lover is in no way a spiteful person and even though i hurt her beyond repair she WOULD NOT have planned for her aunty to contact me, i know that. The emails go in the alot more depth than i can write on here but my ex called her aunty the evening that i had decided to get my mum to go to her house and humiliate her. The email does state that my ex did tell her aunty everything that happened between us after that evening but in no way shape or form had anything to do with her contacting me i know her and she wouldnt have intentionally done that. Her aunty stated that my ex had been to a counsellor since what has happened and has been diagnosed with depression and that she wants nothing to do with any of this mess anymore and i believe what she says. My ex is a warm compassionate, caring person, i sometimes wonder if shes an empath, that is how caring she is. If you read the emails you would understand how i know it wasnt her that put her aunty up to it and in the email my ex sent my wife stated in no uncertain terms would she ever want to see me again. I also know she means that because she had never been strong enough to say that before for the fear of losing me.I do love this woman and i would love to fall in love with my wife again (if it ever really happened in the first place)but i simply CANT. Its just not their anymore, the spark is long gone. Plus i know people will say oh yeah! cheaters always say that but my wife pays me no attention, she is hurt over what i done, obviously! but after a few months she will be back to her old ways, the other woman really did love me, is it really so wrong that i want to be with someone who makes me feel wonderful? we get one life if im not mistaken?, i know what i done was disgusting but people have done worse things. I didnt cheat for the sake of cheating, their was a chemistry their only we know exists. I do feel absolutely awful for betraying my wife, it might not sound that way because i couldnt make my post any longer than it already was! i do feel like the scum of the planet at the moment but it makes it worse that this other woman wasnt a whore, she was a kind, gentle, caring person who just wanted to find love like every other person on this planet. I do appreciate all of your advice and yes maybe it did take her writing my wife and stating it was completely over herself for me to realise that i infact loved her but thats the way it is i suppose.I dont know and yes i do realise the tangled web we have created but it wasnt a dirty love affair it was a passionate loving one. I know i ended it but it was for all the wrong reasons, the right reasons yes, im married, my children etc but the wrong reasons as in, i didnt even think twice about my decision and now i regret it because she has obviously moved on and is trying to work things out with her fiance. I guess her message to my wife made it final and yes i have to admit, its killing me that she was the one who made it final, i suppose even though i ended it i still had the choice to contact her in the future but now i havent because she has stated she wants nothing more to do with me, so yes i can see your point. I guess i cant believe she is over me, i know i hurt her but i suppose i always thought she would feel that way about me, i just wish i hadnt completely cut her off cold and shut the door completely, affair or not she still meant alot to me and every human has the right to feel this way
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A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Leave if you are unhappy with your marriage. But never leave for someone else. You can never guarantee she will drop everything and leave her fiance and life behind. Maybe she is too afraid to take that risk. Especially after what you have told her. The sooner you correct that mistake with her the better.
Again: The SOONER you correct that mistake with her the better.(You better do something phenomenal like writing it in the skylines or something). Words hurt and if you really want to make it with her, make it right.
But really don't hold your breath. Live your life the best way you can and what makes you truly happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Phew!!! A real pickle!Get this straight: YOUR AFFAIR IS OVER. You should never have started this in the first place. You know this. Your lover knew this. Her partner knew this. Your wife now knows this.Can you see the tangled web both you and your lover have weaved around everyone?So many lives hurt/destroyed because you both decided that your selfish sex itch needed to be scratched. Her common law husband called you. You did Not have the decency to speak to him like a man. Her CL husband chased after u. You did not have the decency and courage to discuss with him WHY u decided to break up his marriage. To me u became a coward, a weakling who played a game and when the affected party decided to confront u, u ran and u did not care about the aftermath of your affair.Why do u NOW want to get back with the ex lover? Your illicit season is over with her. Her place belongs with her CL hb and her kid, not with u.U say u are a good man. Nothing u wrote indicates that goodness, certainly not towards your wife. U betrayed her. U lied to her. U deceived her. And now that she knows u want to further humiliate her and destroy her world?U got caught. U have been outed. Your actions do not depict a mature person.To add insult to injury u have now almost decided to win back your affair partner. What bull! Enough of this boomarang story. Your duty is with your wife and kids. U know it. Your AP knows it. U had 2 lucky escapes from her hb. U may not be 3rd time lucky, that man will get u and he will make u pay for your interferance in his, his childs, and his wifes life.Thus far, u have done nothing right. Both u and your AP did the wrong. BUT u did the right thing by ending it. If u go back on your word then u are just spineless. Right now your duty is to make your marriage work. The AP can sort out her own life. You will notice that I have cut u no slack. I'm not convinced that your AP is "the one" . Look at the facts:-u are married- she is in a long term relationship. She has a common law husband-both of u have kids-she told her Aunt. He Aunt convieniently told your wife. Thus hurting your wife beyond repair. - the AP then apologises to your wife ( very convenient just to make u think she is above board and that she did not spill the beans. The AP should be in Pubic Relations- u now want to leave your wife for your AP. Again?Mister, u live in a small town. Can u imagine the stink if u now leave your wife for your AP? How do u face her hb? Her kid? Your wife? Your friends? Your family? Your kid? Your work people? Can u see the ripple effect being created? How will u walk in public again? Will u continue to slink away into dark alleyways? Can your AP be trusted? Truly trusted? After all she made her Aunt contact YOUR WIFE with details of your ended affair. Isn't this a case of u ending it. The AP could not forgive u. SHE got her revenge against u by causing havoc and chaos in your life . The AP and her Aunt did not bother about your wifes feelings. HOWEVER right now u have no concern for your wife but this other woman? When are u going to realise that this OW got what she wanted. For your wife to hurt. For u to go back to her. And for u to end your marriage.Please realise that it was not mere coincidence that your wife was made aware of your affair. It was a blatant thought out plan to get revenge and to hurt and destroy. Its best that u stay away from the AP. If u go down that road again, u are going to destroy your life. U have only been married for 4 years, together for more. Your wife doesn't deserve this betrayal. She stood by u through everything. And is this how u repay her? Running back to your AP means that your "good decent guy" perception u have of yourself will finally come to an end.If u go back to your AP, the words Once a cheater, always a cheater will be embedded in your soul forever. OP, I will repeat what I have repeated in previous posts: Marriage is bloody hard work. Don't fool yourself thinking it isn't. The rewards are great. LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You wish has completely 100% hit the nail on the head.
Leave your wife you don't love her, have proffesional counselling and move on for yours and your family's sake - if you feel like this 4 years really think about the next 10,20,30+ years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): You walked into all this an immature boy, now you know it takes a man to address your problems
Be a man, take responsibility, don't stay with your wife out of a sense of duty, she has chosen to stand by you but I think eventually you will stray again because you are not happy in your marriage.You've tasted excitement and even though you have said you miss the ex lover you will replace her one day with another.
You know the mess an affair causes,the devastation to the innocent people affected. Can you say hand on heart you will never cheat again? I doubt it. So you should walk away from this marriage, support your child emotionally and financially, set yourself and your wife free.
If you end up with the Ex lover,so be it, but let her decide that.Don't ruin her relationship because your not happy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 October 2011):
Chemistry can't be developed if it wasn't there at the first place. You have two good options. Accept that a passionless marriage is what you will have, out of honor, and, a divorce, in hopes of looking for a non attached attractive female. After you get a divorce if you are still in love with that ex partner and that she is unhappy in her marriage, then you could persuade her also to leave her husband.
It's either people hating you or you hating yourself. Make a good choice.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You make it sound like you've been married to your wife for 30 years. In reality, it's only been 4. If you're already talking about only marrying her out of obligation, and it was the "right thing to do", then you need to end it now.
As for your affair partner, this is a lot more simple than you've made it out to be. *You* wanted to be the one in control of it, and you went nuts when she took the control and ended it for good. That was perhaps the healthiest thing in this whole story, besides your aunt hitting the nail right on the head as far as your behavior is concerned.
You have never grown up. You can't run through life expecting to have other people clean up your messes. You've never taken responsibility either for the affair, nor especially for your wife and kids whom you failed.
Most of all, you need to leave all of them and talk to someone professional about why you are walking around as if you have no control over your life. Keep living like you are, and you will leave a trail of devastation and despair. You're already feeling it yourself.
If you stay with your wife, you will continue to hurt her and your kids. Keep fixating on your mistress, and you will never move forward in life. She has made the wise decision to cut out the toxicity. You haven't.
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