A
female
age
30-35,
*ndi_d
writes:Please don't judge me.I know what I did was wrong and that is why I stopped it. Any advice would help me out so much.18 months ago I got locked out of my apartment and my neighbour helped me in.I had seen him a few times in the gym that is in our buliding, we had only talked a few times. The day I got locked out we talked for a while and he left. The following day he came by and asked me if I wanted to go work out with him. I said yes. I knew he was married and had a child but that was all I really knew about him. after a few weeks of hanging out things started going forward and we ended up having an affair. He lives directly across the hall from me and we would see each other everyday. We even went on a vacation together (he told his wife it was a bachelor party for a coworker). He would even come over when his wife and son were at home. I had NO intentions of having an affair with him, I am not that girl at all. But after spending time with him it just happened. He knows all the right things to say to a girl and treated me amazing. He was mature, sweet, loving everything a girl could ask for. I actually fell in love with him. It lasted about 14 months and then I realized I could not do it any longer.I felt cheated because I was in love with him. I started hearing him and his wife fighting a lot and I hated myself for it. I felt liek a horrible person so I finally told him that I couldn't do it any more It was hard to do. I love him,he begged to not do it. For the past 2 months I have advoided him as much as I could, He had a spare key and would show up out of no where and tell me how he loved me and didnt want to be with out me. So I got my locks changed. I took on more classes and hours at work just to keep my self busy. But it is so hard. He calls me daily, texts me, sends flowers to work. If he hears me in the hall he comes out and it is so hard to say no to him. Last night I was really upset and crying and he knocked on the door and I let him in. It is SO hard to be just feet away from the person you love and making yourself not be with him. He kissed me, told me he loved me and we ended up in bed together. I stopped things before we actually ended up having sex but it was so hard. I don't want to be with him but I don't want to be with out him. What do I do , how do I not let him in when I love him so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Change your number, if you see him when you leave or come home ignore him. Its not hard to be ignorant, I do it all the time.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 October 2011):
Hi. Maybe then, as moving isn't really an option for many reasons as you have said, you could simply change how you live your life instead.
I don't think I said this in my previous answer, but what about beginning some hobbies or interests that absorb your interest and keep you engaged, and that also require you to leave your residence for a couple of hours each time.
Not every single night, because that would be too much of a hassle. Just once or even twice a week at the most.
Then there's activities like:-
(1) Playing golf.
(2) Bushwalking - would have to be on a weekend, as you only walk during the daylight.
(3) Learning to dance - there are many different types to choose from.
(4) Craft classes - learning a new handcraft, or else something creative anyway.
Why I am suggesting these activities, is that while you are busy, well then you are not just sitting at home pining your heart out over him and the difficulty of this situation.
The more you do with your free time, the less time you have to get upset over him and the impossibility of ever calling him your own. Not to mention the feelings of guilt you probably sometimes have over the fact you like him and he's married with a child.
There are more "againsts" than there are "fors" in this situation. The real decider is the fact you don't want to break up his family unit, and then find that you and him simply don't get along as well as you used to think you did. And this often happens. And don't forget the trust issues you would have, that I mentioned in my last answer.
The worst thing you could possibly do, would be to try to get into another relationship right away, believing it's the only way to forget about him. Because, that would be a rebound relationship. They are not a good idea anyway.
What's most beneficial for you now, is to be on your own for a little while - perhaps a few months - and get to know yourself better, and what you want out of life and what you don't like, as well.
So beginning a few new hobbies and interests will at the very least, distract you away from thoughts of him for the time you are engaged in the activities. And it will help you, to be doing different things.
Another reason for hobbies away from home, is that you associate where you live as the fling you had with him, so all the more reason to have some pastimes that take you right away from home. Then you won't be reminded of him very much at all.
Consider it very carefully anyway.
Another possibility is - as well as the hobbies and interests - Are you due for holidays anytime soon? Or do you have a couple of weeks up your sleeve, to be able to take them off now? If yes, perhaps you could take a short trip away somewhere for the whole time. That way, you are right away from where the problem you currently have, is.
Out of sight, out of mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): U knew he was married with a kid. Yet this did not stop u. Of course he had it easy with u . Bec u made it easy for him.U even stole a holiday away with him. Wow that's guts! If u felt oh so guilty all along then why did u continue doing what u did? Now he fights with his poor wife bec of you. Is he mean to his kid as well. I know he is emotionally abusing his wife bit if he physically abusing her as well? One day this could be you!If u really want to stop cheating with a married man u can. No one is forcing u and no one is holding a gun to your head. The MM will always want free p*ssy (sorry I know its crude but u get the point). For him its just a game.How do u even behave when u see his wife. Knowing that it is bec of u she is being victimised and in an unhappy home?I want u to know this: one day u will find a man and settle down. Can u imagine if he started sleeping around and hurt u. Keep this in mind and it will help u to keep away from the womans hb. Right now u have everything going for u as well as having someone else hb. U have become a homewrecker. U may cry wolf and belive that u are not the kind of person to detsroy a marriage. Cheaters always believe that crap. There is no "special breed" to have an affair. It is a choice. It was not a mistake. It was a deliberate choice and u did it bec u could. All that lieing, sneaking around and pulling one over his wife was exciting and u thrived on it. But I am glad u decided to change your ways before it consumed u. I'm glad that u decided u had a conscience after all.What to do? Delete all contact info of hisDo not give into temptationMake arrangement to hang out with friendsGet a proper bf, not someones hbTell him u will report him to his wife if he persistsAsk a friend to have a word with him to tell him to steer clearU are not powerless. U are not a victimWhen u can move. Or ask around for people to take over your lease.This MM will pester u until u give in and then u will be zapped in again. After all he has a loving wife and kid and an illicit wayway lover. Who wouldn't love this arrangement?Oh and please never ever sleep with a MM again..well if he is your own hb that's different.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): You are being victimized at some level, I know, who wants to feel that way.
But, you are.
Emotionally you are in no place to deal with this.
So, move. Really, this is the problem, you are infatuated with a guy who is unfaithful to his wife, betrays his family, and wants to continue doing so. This is not good. You and his wife and child are all victims, they more so than you.
Know this, he does not love you. He does not love you. He does not love you. If he loved you this entire scenario would not be happening.
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A
female
reader, andi_d +, writes (7 October 2011):
andi_d is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought about moving but I am in a lease at the momentand everythign about this place is perfect. It close to school and work, one of the safest areas in town, clean, has a gym/pool, and where I call home.
As for the person who said just walk away because I am wrecking his family. I know thats why I am trying, its hard to turn your back on the perosn you love though. Its hard but in 2 months I gave into him once, so its not to bad I think. Believe mewhen I say I tried dating other guys, my friends have tried setting me up on dates and all I can think about is him
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 October 2011):
Hi there. One solution would be to move house.
I realize this isn't as easy as it sounds.
Your relationship with him is probably getting in the way of his relationship with his wife, and that's probably what the argument you heard was about, for sure.
I realize that things happen, it's life.
I guess that to really know how it is, you would have to put yourself in his wife's shoes and think about how you would feel if he was your husband and you found out or else suspected that he was seeing someone else. The chances are, you'd feel devastated. No doubt about it.
So short of moving out to live somewhere else, it's really a case of avoid seeing each other as much as possible. Which you already seem to be doing.
The other possibility which is much more realistic, is to find yourself a boyfriend. And one who IS NOT married!
And once you do find someone you like, you could spend time at their place so you are just not home at all much. You know what I mean, I'm sure.
It's a case of keeping out of temptation's way.
And apart from the fact he's married, the consequences of that are:-
(1) He can't be with you on important occasions - birthdays, Christmas, Halloween, St Valentine's day.
(2) His time is limited because he has emotional commitments - his wife and children.
(3) His allegiance is to them - not you.
(4) He can't be depended upon if you wanted to make plans to go out somewhere.
(5) You couldn't just go out the two of you whenever you wanted, because he's married.
(6) Everything is done in secret, you have to be watching out for who might be watching the pair of you.
Quite often when people have affairs, they aren't really looking for sex. They are looking for variety in their lives generally and a bit of fun.
The reason it ends up being an affair, is because it's an easy escape from the normal run of the mill day. So it provides an outlet for them - a bit like an ineresting hobby. Without any real commitment.
So this is what it really is.
He might say he loves you or is "in love" with you, however he still can never commit to you regardless. To do so would be a HUGE gamble, that probably wouldn't work out well anyway.
Many new relationships where they first began as an affair, mostly fail because there is no trust. Remembering back to how they got together in the first place - through lying and deceit. It's not a great way to begin a life together. And it's very very difficult to ever trust each other again.
Just supposing you and him did get together and he left his wife and child, well then every single time he said he had to go out, you would be wondering if he was really going to be where he said he'd be - or else cheating on you with someone else!
Because you'd remember the lies he told his wife about being on a bachelor's party weekend - when in actual fact, he was with you.
Would you really want that for yourself? Always wondering where he was if he got home late from work. You'd be continually doubting him. That's not a happy peaceful existence, that's for sure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): I can see why you feel the way you do. Guilt is what we feel when we know it's not right. I feel very attacted to a guy who is married at work. I'm much older than he is and I guess thats part of the attaction. He is very handsome and sexy, anyway we did a few things not all the way but close and I made up my mind not to continue it makes me to upset. I think you should not let yourself go through this it's not right so how can it work? He needs to be a man about the whole thing leave this wife or stay away, so you can get on with your life. You will get over him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 Perhaps you could take a flat in another building???
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A
male
reader, Dlawube  +, writes (6 October 2011):
 U alread said he is married with kids. Just let him go, u are breaken his home which not a good thing. Their are good looking men out there!
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