A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So basically I am just wondering if anyone out there has some tips or ways to not fall for guilt trips?My ex-bf who was verbally abusive "jokingly" he called it, made a promise to change but he has lied about things in the past and I don't think I can trust him. I love him and he is the only boyfriend i've ever had, we've been together for 3 years. He was fine for 1/2 the relationship and then it started gradually.Anyway I was fed up so we broke up. He keeps asking me to give him 1 more chance. I say no and then he starts guilt tripping me. HE REALLY GUILT TRIPS ME HORRIBLY. Cries hysterically that he can't go on without me and can't have his heart broken and he might as well kill himself. He is also sort of blackmailing me in that he says if I don't take him back he will get me fired from my job as his best friend is my boss. He's got a temper and is vindictive and flips out over anything. He told me out of the blue a while ago, "I need to borrow $1000 to buy a car" not asking, but telling me. I said no you already have 2 cars (which is true)and he flipped out screaming and left and slammed the door. And then he came back and starting guilt tripping me about how he took me to DisneyWorld last year and paid for the whole trip and how it's pretty pathetic that after all he had done for me I still wouldn't let him borrow money. I still said no, because he is just so financially irresponsible. He kept pressing me and pressing me. I caved n lent him $200 and made sure I had a witness with me too.Yeah I know I should not be wasting my time worrying about this horrible person. But I am still kinda emotionally involved as he was my first/only love and all I have known for the past 3 years. He knows me well and plays on my emotions. He knows I'm a forgiving person and that my weakness is people crying in which he cries a river. He says he will not discuss this over the phone, only in person. But when it's in person he won't let things go, and I can't get away..where on the phone I can just hang up.So basically how do I not cave in? He has said "it's not over til i say it's over" which is creepy. He wont accept it. I just cant seem to grow a backbone and stick with it because I feel guilty for making someone cry. Also part of the reason I don't want to let it go completely is that I can't deal with him being with someone else and seeing him with someone else even tho I know how horrible he has treated me. I wish he would act like he used to in the past. I see him in school still too most days. Anyway if someone can help me out, thank you so much!
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female
reader, Blue Butterfly +, writes (3 January 2011):
Get away from the jerk! I know he's your first love, but you WILL find better...I promise. Don't waste your time on a loser, who will only bring you misery and pain. There are plenty of sweet men who will treat you like a lady, just be strong and your heart will heal with time.My ex calls me an AH on a constant basis...I try to be there for him, to get "over" our breakup...but he keeps dragging me down and making me feel guilty about ending it. I had good reason..he was a nightmare and still is. I am a very forgiving person but to a point and once a person has crossed the line...I am very stubborn. Don't let him intimidate you. Don't give in to his requests. If he can't handle the break up..that's his problem not yours. My ex pulled that crap on me and it's just a mind game to keep you close, so "hopefully" you'll change your mind with time. Everytime when I would reject my ex....he would curse me out and call me soo many messed up names.JUST BE STRONG AND SMART AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEAD AND "NOT" YOUR HEART WHEN DEALING WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN. TAKE CARE.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Hi They are completely and utterly right. Once an abusive liar always an abusive liar. The thing is that you have been conditioned to respond to his behaviour in a particular way. He knows exactly which buttons to push to manipulate you and he will keep doing this to you for years unless you stop him. Ask yourself this question Why do you think you deserve this? The answer is simple becasue he says so. Seriously hon the only way you are going to handle him is to be unavailable to him. This means that you need to stop interacting with him at all that way you can protect yourslef from his power and control games that he is so obviously playing with you. Give up on him - he already has. That's why he is messing with you. He cant cope with his own life so he is screwing with yours as its the only way he can feel in control. When he contacts you be busy, make excuses not to talk. Tell him you can only give him a minute as you are heading out and pick up your keys and leave- go anywhere just dont stay home. Ask him not to drop by and if you see him coming in your direction walk in the opposite direction. Avoid him until you no longer feel as though you need him in your life. I know that it sounds a lot more simple that it is but once you have done it a few times you will find that it is simple. Take control of your responses to his behaviour and he will lose his power over you. If you muck it up and end up giving in to his demands sit down and write down what has happened. Rewrite when you have finished but this time write it down how you would prefer for it to go. Keep a record of this and each time you deal with him change just one thing and soon you will have loads of practice in dealing with him. try again soon you will be better at it but you will need practice first. Keep the record near your phone so that if he calls you can have a reminder not to get sucked in. Its really important to write stuff down so that if need be you have a record of his behaviour If you keep interacting with him in this way you will allow him to ruin your life, undermine your self esteem and will find it incredibly difficult to find a healthy honest relationship later - end it now for your own sake!.
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A
female
reader, laura585  +, writes (3 July 2009):
Girl I dont know how to not let it get to you- but I know if you stay it will get worse. About a year or so into my first/only relationship also with a verbally abusive man - we broke up. I started seeing another guy then my ex went crazy (crying begging suicide attempts murder threats etc) until I was stupid and got back with him. It was great after that- for about a month. He used guilt trips constantly on me about that other guy and about other things. He became physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive towards me. Still I "loved" him so I stayed. Then the cheating started (which was my fault because of the other guy- I deserved to be cheated on) He brainwashed and manipulated me. He isolated me from my friends and family. Then one day after almost 7 years of this he left. I had nothing except for the 2 kids we had together. Now I thank God he left, bc if he didnt I never would have, he convinced me I deserved it all. I dont want sympathy- I just want you to know you have to get out NOW. He wont stop.
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A
female
reader, love-struckxo +, writes (3 July 2009):
 HE IS LYING! they change for a while, and then go back to there old self. It's a bad pattern to get into it. Break the habit of going back to this dysfunctional relationship and kick him the curb already.
Every time he tries to lay a guilt trip on you. Remind yourself of everything he has ever done to you. SAY NO! even though you want to say yes.
It will get worse if you keep going back to this guy trust me.
Good luck
xxx
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (3 July 2009):
Purchase yourself a book called "the emotionally abusive relationship". This book will help.
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