A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a guy. It started out as a hook up ad we started meeting regularly for BDSM type nights. I'm quite a bit younger than he is and he is in the middle of negotiating a divorce with a young child. I met her a few weeks ago and have seen her a few times. My relationship with him is supposedly open and purely related to the BDSM side of things but we talk all the time and text/video chat/call late into the night and are pretty intimate with each other. It's not "dating" as he calls it but it seems close. But he wants me to see his kid and he involves me with his friends. I just wonder what kind of relationship this is and how to negotiate dating a man with a kid who's getting divorced. I'm not ready for children yet and if this gets serious which it is in some ways, I don't know how to handle things without being uncomfortable. I really like him and we are pretty well matched. But I don't know how to proceed. Thanks for your help.
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female
reader, Keeley345  +, writes (2 June 2013):
Looks like he wants more e.g introducing you to friends and wanting you to meet his daughter. What do YOU want from this? If it's a proper relationship, then his daughter is part of the package. By taking him on you'll be taking her on too. With regards to his divorce, it's best to find out more from him. Make sure you're not a rebound fling. It's ok to be worried about meeting his daughter etc If you want a relationship with him though, then meeting his daughter is inevitable. Let him know you're anxious about meeting her and handling it all. Hopefully he'll try to make the process easy for you and her. Remember his daughter has had her parents divorce or will be, so she may be emotionally fragile and terrified about meeting her dad's girlfriend. Speak to your gentleman friend and find out more about his daughter's personality and emotional state so you'll know how to approach things with her. But to be honest, if the idea of dating a man with a child turns you off or scares you, don't feel like you're the only one. Alot of people feel that way too. A good parent will put their children first even before a partner.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I personally think everyone is being a bit hard on you.
It's HIS choice to involve his kids with his friends.
It's not like he makes the kid watch you have sex.
My kids were always involved with friends in my life that came and went and survived.
The truth is waking up to someone in daddy's bed is not the ideal but you don't indicate that you are doing overnights while the child is with dad. IF you are not spending the night in his bed with his child there, then I think it's perfectly fine to be introduced as daddy's friend.
What would you change if you did stay?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was never selfish. He actually has been quite the opposite considering all the conditions I've laid down. And we aren't all over each other when his child is around; we act like friends and he kisses me out of sight of her. My parents divorced when I was in 3rd grade and I remember my dad dating. And I'd never do what he did. So I am considerate of her and more cautious. Nothing is tying me down other than my affection for him and living my life isn't a problem..but long term is something to think about..if I stay, do people have suggestions?
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (3 May 2013):
 KC100 has given a fantastic response which I endorse wholeheartedly. It's interesting though that the male/female responses are poles apart. You are young and he sounds like a selfish one indeed. Go have some fun with someone your own age.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 May 2013):
 I think you need a serious chat with him, and make it soon. It is disgraceful for him as a father to be introducing casual sex partners into this child's life, children form attachments quickly and if she keeps on seeing you regularly then she will get attached, so he will be hurting his daughter if this is not a long term serious relationship.
So you need to tell him that you are not comfortable seeing his daughter and being in her life unless you can agree that you are now in a relationship and it is long term. If he wants to keep things casual, then explain to him that you dont want to see his daughter because it is not fair on her to have people coming in and out of her life like this.
As for do you actually want to be dating this guy - if you dont want kids then I dont think its wise to carry on with him. From the way he is acting he is planning on getting serious with you, he wouldnt want you to meet his friends unless he wanted this to be a long term thing. So if you do get into a serious relationship with him, then you automatically become a step-mom type figure. You will always be second best to his child, and the child will always be number 1 priority - it will restrict a lot of what you can do as a couple because he has a child.
You wont be able to go away on holiday at the drop of a hat, you will be doing child-friendly activities at weekends when she is visiting, you wont be able to go out partying together or even going out for late dinners because he wont be able to get a sitter every time you want to go out. His money will be restricted because of the divorce and child-care payments he will be paying soon - there are going to be a lot of compromises because he has a child.
So you have to decide if you are ready for this responsibility? Are you prepared to be second best and will be ok with not being able to do as much as you might want to do with any other boyfriend?
You are so young and people your age want to be travelling and seeing the world, going away at weekends, going to festivals, moving to different parts of the country for a great job, partying late into the night and having fun, going to late night movies whenever you want.....none of this will be possible with an older man who has the responsibility of children. So ultimately you will be old before your time if you date him, and one day you could resent him for this - he is taking away your youth and you would blame him for this, even though the decision at the start would have been yours.
I know its a bit serious to be thinking of all this now, and you really like the guy - but when there are children involved you have to think long term right from the start in order to minimise any disruption to the child and any hurt your relationship could cause her. She is going to be struggling with the divorce anyway, so dont make this any harder for her by being the random woman coming in and out of her life.
Either you are in it for the long run and you are prepared to be the step-mom, or you tell him you cant be around his child when it is just a casual relationship and you ensure he sticks to that rule.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Just end it now and walk away. This guy is not long term relationship material. He has a young kid, isn't even divorced yet and already is meeting up for sex with someone much younger? He has "selfish" written all over him. It isn't going to get serious because he is all about his immediate needs only so unless you're looking for casual hook ups only you should walk away now. Find a guy your age who doesn't have so much baggage and who you can potentially build a life with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): It's whatever kind of relationship you want it to be. You guys should talk about that often, so you can discover what you want and whether you're likely to get it there.
If it gets uncomfortable, leave. So: don't set yourself up in a situation where it would be difficult to leave. Don't get pregnant.
In the meantime, enjoy the ride, and trust your future self to make some learnings out of whatever ends up happening.
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