A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do you forget about someone and get on with your life?? I was having an affair with a married man for 4 months and it has now ended as we've both decided to make it work with our current partners (he has 3 children). We have both told our partners about the affair and they have forgiven us.The problem is I can't stop thinking about him and miss him so much. During the time we were seeing each other we really did get to know each other and I really don't think I can handle never having any contact with him again. I still spend my entire life checking my phone/texts/emails to see if he's been in contact even though we've both agreed that we won't.I do want to try and make it work with my partner but I just feel so empty and depressed at the moment and really don't know how to move on.
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affair, depressed, married man, move on Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your comments. I think the points made about keeping busy, changing number and email address are definitely good ideas. I've been so lucky that my husband has supported me and I have been being completed selfish. I know how tough it's been for him as he's had to see me turn from a happy, confident person to a shattered shell in the last 4 weeks. I have realised how lucky I am to have him as he's been amazing and I do so appreciate him and can't believe I've put him through this.I don't really think things can get any worse to be honest so I guess really the only way is up. It is good to hear from people who've been in the same situation and you're quite right - this would never have happened if I'd been happy in my marriage. My husband's my best friend but I'm still not sure if that's enough. It was actually me who ended the affair as I really never meant for it to happen (I know everyone says that) but I would never allow someone to leave their wife and kids for me. He told his wife just after I told my husband - I had to tell him otherwise our marriage was over anyway.I also think keeping a journal's a good idea and will do that. It's just been the most awful month and I just can't function at all - it's mad really as there's definitely been much worse events in my life but I just can't get over this man. I've been put on leave from work (unpaid leave as I told me manager what had happened as they wondered what was wrong) so i guess have time to sort my head out. Literally haven't slept for weeks, feel permanently sick, have crashed my car (4 times in 4 weeks!!) and am just losing ridiculous amounts of weight.Perhaps it is time to speak to someone and try and get back on track. Trust me I am also very aware of what I've done to my husband and am really trying to stop being so selfish and think about him more - ironic that without him I couldn't have got through the past few weeks.Thank you for taking time to respond and sorry this is so long!! Starting my journal practise!!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 You are like a ship which has lost the directions..
You need to take control and then head to the direction you want.
Ask yourself , what do you want in life?
What is your ambitions and goals?
Work and focus towards that direction.
When you have something to focus upon , you will soon forget him.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 We all feel like we will never be able to move on, but we all do move on. When we don't, that's because something is the matter with us. We don't want to give ourselves another chance.
Give yourself some time and you will move on.
Also, I think you should check your relationship with your current partner. Let me speculate a little. I find it difficult to believe that two people decided, at the very same time, to put an end to their relationship and go back to their previous partners. It's possible, but I think it's also unlikely. I would be more inclined to believe that one of you (maybe the man) decided to put an end to the relationship and then you were left with no choice. If this were the case, it wouldn't be surprising that you felt this way.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 I had an affair but im still separated, the same thing happened to me. I realized i had the affair, not an excuse, because my marriage was in shambles. The first months is terrible. its like a death, i would cry and miss him, however the jerk is now married, 4 months after the affair i was left devisted and him happily married. now i look back and realize how musch wasted emotion i spent on him and for nothing, however my feelings were real. Time heals everything but its hard to go back to your Husband right after an affair. U can take things slow if u want ur husband. begin to date, dont rush to make it perfect, remember u are hurt from the affair and so is he. Be friends and be honest with each other, alot of couples have had a better relationship after something like this. However it is hard, You will probably not forget the other man but what u feel for him when u think of him will change with time. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Tough one....I agree with the others. It will be hard and well done on stopping the affair. I think with time you will heal, I am worried that your husaband may not. You say that you want things to work and yet you feel empty inside? I think you may need to have a good think and maybe get some help. (just to help you clear your thoughts). Have you thought about what it was that attracted you to him so much? Maybe talk to your husband about it, It seems there maybe something missing in your current relationship??
Give it time, the hurt will go away. I suggest changing your email and mobile numbers so then you know he can't contact you and you won't be checking them!!
I wish you and your husband the best of luck and happiness for the future!
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A
female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 It's most likely going to be really hard but it will get better. Well done on ending things, the consequences of continuing and being found out would be far more hurtful all round which is one consolation.
I feel for you and wish you lots of luck and love getting over it. These things happen to the best of us and all I can say is time will help, keep busy, stay strong and positive and you will move on Sweetie. x x x
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (24 April 2008):
 Hi,
I can only imagine what your husband is going through at the moment. He must realise that the man who you were sleeping with still occupies his thoughts. Put yourself in his position, imagine how the person you professed your undying love for and promised to be faithful to is feeling right now - his wife had an affair and she cant get over him. His confidence must be zero and I'm surprised he took you back.
I realise I am making your husband the focus of this post which is not what you want , but your thoughts are all about yourself at the moment and it's getting you nowhere, if you can start thinking about the other person in your life who this is affecting you might just be able to get your head around the fact that this is about you and your husband not you and the man you had an affair with.
You need to focus on rebuilding the trust with your husband which means you have to stop the self reflection and concentrate on doing something for someone other than yourself.
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