A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my now husband since I was a teenager. We got engaged my first year of college. He had joined the military, and was stationed outside of the continental united states for 3 years. During this time, I had a relationship with another person, and my husband was mostly aware of what was going on. I didn't give him full details because I was afraid to lose him. I cheated because he was not there for 3 years. It's not to say it was the right thing to do at all, but it is what happened. I was young and learning who I was, and unfortunately that was part of it. Now nearly 2 1/2 years after that all ended, I still regularly think about the person I had this affair with. We had an extremely toxic relationship, and hurt each other deeply. I found out some less than noble things about him last year, and his wife contacted me about our past relationship, though she was not part of the picture at the time this was all going on. She learned about it when she was dating him. Anyway, I am struggling to get over this. I do not feel telling my husband every detail would do anything but hurt him further, especially since I feel my motivation for telling him is only from guilt. What I do want is help or insight on what I could do to help myself move forward. I know there is some closure I did not get, and I think that's part of the problem. I feel like this person gets to move on and be happy, and I am stuck here still affected by the past. I don't want it to hold me back anymore. I want to forgive myself, but I am struggling to figure out how. Any advice?
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male
reader, Snowshoe  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 As a Military wife you understand the "Don't ask Don't tell" policy.
That applies to so many aspects of a serviceman's life it is incredible. What our wives do when we are on tour is their business whether we like it or not. While we hope and pray they are faithful to us we also put blinders on to shield ourselves. Thus, Don't ask Don't tell.
I think it would crush your hubby to tell him about your ancient infidelity.
That is not my moral opinion, it is my practical opinion. Forgive yourself and move on, life is far to short and filled with to many hardships to allow old mistakes to eat up what is beautiful about the relationship you now have.
All the Best
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Remind yourself of how toxic that relationship was, and all the less than noble things about him.
Focus on that. over-exaggerate it in your mind. Let it turn your mind against him.
I think the reason you can't move on is jealousy and the feeling that you lost out. No one likes to feel like they "lost." You obviously feel hurt by your affair partner and you think he now has a happy life while you're still hurting by what he did so you think this is not fair, how come she (the wife) gets treated better than he treated me?
just imagine that he's doing the same things to her that he did to you. remind yourself why he's not someone who is good for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): "I feel like this person gets to move on and be happy, and I am stuck here still affected by the past."
As long as you lie to your husband, you will no be able to move on. Every lie will pile on top of every lie and eventually it will all come crashing down.
You don't say exactly what your husband knows, how little he knows in relation to the truth, but from what you write it appears that he really doesn't have a clue...which means a lot of lying to come as your marriage matures and kids come along and other temptations arise and other marriages that you know end and you discuss them and the cheating and other problems in those marriages over time.
That's what happened to my wife, a decade of lying built up, as people we knew divorced, as my brother had an affair, etc, etc, and as someone else accused me, falsely, of having a relationship (Sabrina...never did figure out who she was...but I was told she was ugly.) and cheating on my marriage. When it was my wife who had cheated with an affair that was hidden. Yeah, it tore her up and nearly ended our marriage 8 years after the affair. Till she talked, and went to counseling, and spilled her guts and actually began to get past what she had done and understand why she had done it.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (19 January 2011):
Well, as someone who was cheated on by my ex-wife, I believe if you tell your husband everything it will only make his pain worse. So I advise against doing it.
As far as how you move on, you have to accept that the "closure" you're seeking, however you're thinking of it, is not something that you'll ever get. The other guy has moved on with his life, that says it all. Now you need to forgive yourself and put this other guy out of your mind. Look at it this way, if your husband can forgive you after what happened, then surely you can do the same for yourself!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): It is not what you did that will hurt your husband but what you are doing!!
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