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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years, and we are both in love with each others. We shared alot of great times together and i can't imagine my life without her. I was her first boyfriend, and she never dated anyone because she doesn't trust men, she was Traumatized from her Father's abuse, and she said i was the first man to make her feel safe. However, afew years ago, she was diagnosed with depression and OCD, and it's been a very rough time since then. I do still love her, but her feeling sad just makes me sad too. She's been on medicatons, but still, it doesn't recover her completely, and i feel bad for her. She tries her best to cover her sad side whenever we try to have fun together, but i can still feel that deep inside, she is not happy. It does affect me sometimes, she doesn't throw her negativity on me unless depression gets the best of her, but i know that she doesn't mean it to make me feel down. My friends tells me that i should break up with her, and that it's not my problem if she's mentally ill. But i just can't make things worse and break up with her, it will break both our hearts completely and I will probably feel shattered. I'm so in love with her, but her depression is getting on the way. What do you think i should? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2018): More than likely Your girl friends love tank is empty and She is depressed because You are not filling it. You need to read the book "5 languages of love" and it should help in Your situation. I had the same problem with My wife of 16 years in that I was trying to show Her love but I wasn't doing it the right way. I have now learned that My wife just needs quality time and from now on I'll go more places with Her and plan more dates instead of sitting around watching TV.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2018): You're not going to like my advice. It's relatively deep, and maybe not what you want to hear.
I think nine years is a very long time; and your relationship outlasted a lot of marriages these days. Judging from your post, one can assume that her condition may be becoming progressively worse; or she isn't receiving adequate mental-healthcare.
Her therapist/counselor/psychologist may be giving "one-size fits-all treatment;" and just may not specialize in depression and OCD. Diagnosing an illness may only be one phase of her treatment; but sometimes beyond that point, you may need an additional specialized professional-opinion. The therapist may need to explore various types of treatment and medication. He or she may need to consult with other specialists; if you're seeing no improvement, or see decline in her condition.
Now comes the bad-news. You may be a fine-fellow; but your personality and behavior could be too much for her to handle when she is suffering her depression full-swing. We all have our ways. We have certain expectations and needs. Sometimes our patience is tested to very end!
You may love each other very much; but she is the one suffering from mental-disability; and you are consciously or subconsciously, demanding signs of recovery. That would only exacerbate her already declining-condition. It's adding to her stress; on top of the guilt, that she can't function like a "normal" person for you. Her mood-swings, unrelenting sadness, and lethargy is stressful on your relationship. She is desperately aware of the toll it is taking on you, and your relationship. She may be fighting with all her might from within; but her illness may be overwhelming her.
She may need time alone (outside a relationship) to focus on getting better. You may need to take the pressure off her getting better, by letting her go. Eventually, there may be no alternative. Getting worse, could mean she can no longer function within the demands and stressful responsibilities of a committed-relationship. It's just too much for her, in her weakened state of mental-health.
What she may have gone through as a child, may have been the type of trauma that few people easily recover from.
If you are the only man she can trust, that really says her condition may be rather severe. To presume she will totally collapse; because you can no longer be there, is taking on a lot more responsibility than you may be able to sustain. You don't seem to be helping her to recover, as things stand. You admit in your post that she may be getting worse.
Please don't mistake me to mean you should accept any blame or responsibility for it. You still have to consider. What if that may be the case? The stress of trying to recover, function through daily life, and still make you happy; is just more than she can handle. Seeing you sad makes her even more depressed. Then it comes down to what's best for her, in spite of what you want.
I think you should both seek additional professional-advice through a specialist. She may not be receiving the most updated in treatment for her illness. Although you have socialized medicine in the UK; counselors and therapists with heavy-workloads may not give their patients the best care available. There are many factors affecting her mental-health recovery; and hearing another opinion and seeking a different approach to her treatment, could render better results. Worse-case scenario; you may be advised that a relationship may be too much for her to handle in her current state of mental-health.
I'm sorry if I offered you discouraging advice. You have to look at this from all angles for her sake. You deserve the option to move on; if your staying isn't helping her illness. That is certainly to be determined; and you should seek the advice of a specialized-therapist; and seriously consider whatever professional-opinion you receive.
I wish you the best! My heart truly goes out to you. You're the rare kind!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 I think you should tell her she NEEDS to seek help.
9 years together is a long time and I would presume it also means you two know each other well and care for each other. But... I think she is stagnating in her own misery.
Medication is NOT a cure. The only "cure" for these kind of mental issues is for her to GET some kind of therapy and HER working on this, for her to go from "victim" to "survivor". And while that MIGHT sound easy, it's not. BUT that path is HERS. If she does nothing, nothing will change. she needs to get back in therapy. and maybe she should also consider exercising. It's just an added way of feeling better about herself and life. That boost of energy you get from working out/sports/physical activity can definitely help her in the long run as well.
Which means your relationship will slowly suffocate and you will one day realize that HER misery is now YOUR misery too.
While I agree with your friends, HER mental issues ARE hers. SHE needs to work on them. YOU can not FIX that for her. Not by staying with her or just loving her a whole lot.
So I would give her a sort of ultimatum. She needs to get back in therapy and WORK on this. Plenty of people have had shitty childhoods, abuse, misery and still don't give up on life. It won't be easy and it might take time. But she can't "wait it out".
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 July 2018):
 Her mental illness is not your problem no, but you do love her and therefore I wouldn't throw away a relationship because of it. It is tough having a mental illness, and however hard it is on you, you can bet it is much worse for her. Nine years is a long time to throw away. It sounds like she needs to see a therapist (CBT) I think you do need to talk to her and tell her how you feel and hopefully she will get the help that she needs. She obviously went through a traumatic childhood and she really needs to talk to a professional to deal with all her feelings.
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