A
male
age
36-40,
*hitestone1986
writes:I'm 30, male, and from the United Kingdom.I have Asperger's Syndrome - but it isn't the main issue here, the main issue is dating and my sexuality.I am mostly attracted to women, but have some attraction to men [but it is less important than my attraction to women]. I would say it was 99.98% women, 0.02% men [at a rough estimate].In terms of personality, the women I tend to be attracted to are:Feminine or "girly-girl" in personality and dress.Gentle/easygoingOpen-minded/accepting / tolerant (personality).In terms of types of women, I tend to be attracted to (aside from British, i.e. white British) I'm more attracted to women who are black, Italian, American/Canadian or Asian (in the British sense of the word, it has a different definition in the U.S. and Canada).With men, the types of men I am attracted to is less clearly defined than women.My attraction to women is both sexual and romantic, whilst with men it's mostly on emotional/romantic level [i.e. they're physically attractive, I can imagine being in a relationship with them, dating them, but the sex-related part hasn't been considered], so that probably makes me a de facto biromantic.I've never really had a crush on a man or men that I know personally - only a celebrity male [yes, I'll admit it, it was Will Young, when I was 16 in 2003].I tend to like women most of the time, at a guess if I was to categorise my sexuality, it would probably be 98.5% women, 1.1% men, although sometimes it's 99.98% men, 0.02% men [at a rough estimate].I've never had sex with either gender - so cannot know from that perspective. Nor do I really look at porn that much [I don't think pictures of fashion models in the newspaper fashion columns really counts as porn].I worry about how this will affect my dating life - some women may think that it's a turn-off and I'm gay and pretending to be straight, or that some men will think I'm hiding being gay and that being bi doesn't exist, or others will think I'm not gay enough for them [stereotypes, I know - but these probably exist somewhere in society. I speak only in general terms here].How I would meet a partner who is accepting of me is one thing I worry about a bit - not just accepting of the Asperger's Syndrome but the sexuality etc.I'm looking for a long-term relationship - not threesomes, casual sex/hookups etc. - at least I know what I want in terms of a relationship.I can't drink a lot of alcohol for now due to medication, even though I do go to the pub.I would appreciate any advice and guidance on this. I apologise if this is long - but I am trying to ensure I have explained everything well.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2016): I think the best way to meet a partner is probably by doing things you enjoy. That way you will have some common ground from which to start building a relationship. Maybe try joining some clubs outside of work if you haven't already - preferably ones where you might meet people of a similar age. Good luck!
A
male
reader, whitestone1986 +, writes (18 June 2016):
whitestone1986 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice.I am not asexual - I am a virgin, as it is. I do have sexual attraction mostly to women - but as for men, maybe I do, but it might be less important than women.I would date men, but it may be less so than women.As for dating, it hard to meet people who are single - work is mostly older people who I can get on with well enough, but they're 40-60, and my town is fairly small so limited opportunities to meet people.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 June 2016):
Okay, well if your 99% attracted to women, then I don’t see that you necessarily have to tell them anything. You are probably thinking about this very logically. ‘If I’ve occasionally appreciated the attractive qualities in a man, there’s obviously a homosexual part of me.’
Not really, especially as you say you don’t have an interest in the sexual aspect of a homosexual relationship. We are all capable of appreciating other men and women. Emotional connections that make you desire deep friendship can feel similar to romantic feelings, which is why some people talk about a distinct romantic identity (as do you when you say “biromantic”).
But if you’re only prepared to look for women to date, and if you’re looking for monogamy, there is genuinely nothing noteworthy to tell the ladies. Even if you do want to date men too, you don’t have to reveal that you date people of the opposite sex to either a man or a woman in the beginning.
Here’s the thing: the overwhelming majority of people think of a relationship as needing companionship, common ground, and a physical and sexual connection. That means you need to think about sexual intimacy as well as all the other things, unless you are one of the tiny asexual population. Do you want that whole package only from a woman or only from a man? Or are you open to that with either? If either, you may be bisexual: you are sufficiently attracted to either sex that you’re open to relationships with either. If not, then you can delete as appropriate and use either the label ‘straight’ or ‘gay.’ We should try not to get hung up on labels but I understand that this can be difficult when you have Asperger’s Syndrome and the dating world is so very daunting. So I have tried to give you a logical and structured way to work out which label might be the one for you. And one more thing: lots of girls who are straight really look up to other female celebrities. It’s called a ‘girl crush’ and does not make them less heterosexual, it’s just that as men we’re less open to sharing that we look up to celebrities for their physique and acomplishments.
How do you meet some-one who is accepting? I won’t lie or patronise you here: lots of people will tell you that it should be no harder for you and that people will see you for the person that you are. In reality some people won’t be able to deal with it, but people discriminate on all kinds of grounds: weight, height, occupation, hobbies or whatever. The point is that there is no reason why there isn’t a person who is right for you and for whom you are right. Having known quite a few people with Asperger’s I know how they’re every bit as intelligent, and every bit as able to be engaging company, good friends and the kind of people you want to be around. The best way to think of dating is to think of it as getting to know a person. The building blocks of getting to know some-one are good conversation, showing an interest in them and putting the work in to the friendship or courtship: sending a text, calling them up, suggesting you meet again and so-on. There are plenty of people who will want to find out more about you, so show them the things that matter: your likes and dislikes, your hopes for the future, your personality and so-on. Don’t worry that they’ll be horrified that once in a while you’ve been open-minded enough to see the attractiveness of some-one of a different sex to theirs. I’m not saying any of these things are easy, but you seem to think these things are a big deal. I want to assure you that they really are not for enough people that you’ve got every chance of finding the right person at some point. Many people don’t straight away: luck has a big hand in this too.
I wish you all the very best.
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