A
female
age
30-35,
*orriedgirl2012
writes:I am a recent college grad and have been living on my own and working for a few years now. I'm confident in my job, family relationships and friendships. I struggle with dating. I've had 3 serious relationships in my life. Each one was fulfilling and exciting for the first few weeks, then fizzled out. Each brought a ton of stress and anxiety trying to please the other person. I never really feel like they are completed invested in making it work or even care about me. I've definitely settled for crumbs. I'm very leery to date again because I'm fine alone. Most of my friends are single and although I would like to have someone, I'm not sure I really want that yet. I'm moving into the city this year to be closer to friends and events for young people. I live currently in a very suburban area where no one is my age. I want to be unattached this year living downtown so that I can meet people as I please and see who is around. But I met someone on a dating site and gave him my number. I'm not sure why I got back on. I've since deleted my profile. I've talked to this guy daily for several weeks. He's extremely caring and considerate of me- more so than any guy I have ever met. We've met in person and it went pretty well. Now I've told him I don't want a relationship and that out of respect for him, I had to be honest about not wanting to lead him on or give false hope. He said he understands and thought we were just hanging out as friends. My concern is: am I letting my fear and anxiety with dating turn away something good? I can literally feel myself putting walls up and also not 100% being myself because I know it will make him like me more and then he'll want to be with me and I'll get trapped. I know that sounds bizarre- but this is my thought processI have a therapist, but she's on maternity leave until September. Any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks!!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 June 2016):
 You know it really is okay to put walls up when we first start dating someone, there really is nothing wrong with that, you are protecting yourself and your feelings. That is why realistically you should take things slow and get to know him, the more you get to know and trust him the more you can let your guard down.
The thing is if you really don't want someone to date then that is also okay, being honest with him is the right thing to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2016): Its not your fault if people like you.This is not something you would need to tone down in order to accomodate the heart ache of someone you arenot in love with.You dont havethe power to ruin someone elses life by being friendly.The other person has the power to ruin their own life if they choose to become bessotted or create fantasy scenarios that will never happen.It sounds as though you are used to having a more mature force in your life and you want to be certain of making the correct decisions.A good romance needs a strong element of friendship and honesty to start it off, interlinked with some attraction to each other and a stronger bias to loyalty rather than covert sexual liasons with other parties.It sounds as though you may be recovering from an Ex and this person has undermined your faith in yourself. While you are trying to sort yourself out you will encounter enemies ,friends and admirers.It is understandable that you dont want to be prematurely trapped in a nonconsensual relationship of the "i talked to you first so your my missus for the rest of your life.!"The building of a relationship is possible but you still need to sort yourself out a little more because it currently seems as though its all or nothing!I dont sense you are looking fora summer romance but i feel you are still trapped in others expectations that you have a duty to rustle up "the one" in your very next romantic interlude.I think you can be sexy without having to marry the next guy you flirt with.If you tell them "I need to know you for at least a year before i have sex ! " then most ofthose who expect to bed you in a month will drift on to the next female.You are wanting something on a much higher level.
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A
female
reader, Marusela  +, writes (18 June 2016):
It looks like you cared too much about your past partners. Only good if you were cared for as much in return, which sadly didn't happen. Doing some mindfulness meditation could be good as it will help you to find out about your triggers.Internet dating is a good place to start as it allows you to be frivolous and relaxed. Also, your approach about being clear about the not-relationship state. You need to make sure about what you want and how to treat your partner before taking that step. And, let's face it, if he's the right one, even the right now one, would try to change your mind not giving up.Enjoy the freedom of your singlehood, the excitement of your new place, the satisfaction of your job, the love of your friends and family and think how fantastic you must be to have all that love around you.Let's face it,
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