A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:I've been talking heavily (throughout the day and he calls me everydau) to a guy that I have known for that I have really grown to like. He works two jobs and at first this was really trying on the budding relationship in that, he was really inconsistent; he'd say he'd call and then fall asleep, we'd have conversations that were not as fulfilling because he'd take so long to reply. However, he saw that I was starting to get frustrated and has now started to really try with communication... A little background on our relationship: We have know each other since we were 14 and at one point we were close but stopped talking and he's always had a crush on me. He started talking to me around august randomly via snapchat. He told me he'd just come out of a 5 year relationship and that he really likes me but he wants to make sure that I'm not a rebound and wants to take each day as it comes. He invited me out with his friends and my friends, we went to a club. Afterwards, he and I went back to his place and we literally just chilled and caught up. We stopped talking for a little bit because I thought he wasn't interested...until I saw him in a club about two months ago and I just took the opportunity to just ask him what went wrong. He said he thought I wasn't interested ... (The reason this happened was because he seemed like he wasn't that bothered to keep up communication.. but as stated it was because of work) After this encounter, he started calling and texting. We have had one official date exactly two weeks ago today; a bar because we both like to drink however I got complete wasted and I went back to his and we did fool around a bit which I regret but we did not have sex... heavy petting is allNow, the problem is that he doesn't seem to want to make the effort, I was actually going to ask for advice for getting him to ask me for a second date until he asked me last night if i wanted to come to his house... I replied that I'd rather just go out as it's a bit too comfortable and too soon for house dates (yes, I know I went back to his but I do want to be wined and dined, I don't think he should be let off because we know each other) and this is not about me not wanting sex to happen. Both times I have been at his house, nothing had happened and he said to me that he doesn't want to yet either. The date night he said he didn't want it to happen this way, he respects me massively and thinks highly of me. So, his thing is that he's really tired all the time which i understand. I said i get you, you want me to put the effort him, you want the receipts (his exact words lol) He was saying i understand your point but put yourself in my shoes. He works everyday, does overtime as well. Usually knocks out after about an hour of talking. But my thing is, he goes to the gym (he's big on gym) he had the energy to take me out when we first established that we were into each other. He's now saying he just wants to chill with "a friend" (he used the word friend yesterday, I guess I can't expect him to use another term right?) I'd like to know what others think of this situation.. Am I to compromise or should I hold my standard of wanting to date him and for him to make an effort? It's been quite a trying road in that to get to this point I have had to ...in his words, give him kick up the backside... the least he could do is make the effort ? He didn't say no, in fact, he was saying he MIGHT be free to go out on Thursday, but he still didn't really make a plan. He was just going on about how tired he always is.... My cousin was saying that we're at different stages and that it sounds like he doesn't want a relationship and is making sure he doesn't get into one. But it doesn't feel like it to me, I feel like he just doesn't have the time to date right now... He treats me as if he wants me... he's going away for his bday in feb and invited me and asked me if i wanted to come for a few days alone with him before all of his friends come, he helps me with a lot of different things like job applications and i can tell he cares about me..but I'm in two minds..I've had two very bad situations occur regarding health and he knows everything and he seems to be very supportive and understanding and sympathetic....Do I let him go or compromise... and how exactly do I compromise? I fear that if I accept his house offer at this stage then he'll get comfortable. One more thing that might help: I asked him what he wants from me, he said he doesn't know but he likes me and he feels we have a connection. He hasn't really been able to keep interested with any other girl since he's been single. However, he can talk to me all day and not feel bored. What do I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 If he is too tired too date.... then he should not date. Simple, isn't it ?
Ditto, if he has not got the time to date. Then, IMO, he should not even ask people to settle for that uninspiring little that he is offering, or to make compromises right off the bat, even before there's some sort of relationship. I understand why he does it- because often it works,- he can have his cake and keep it too ( no effort, yet he gets the girl ) as long as the girl is eager/ anxious/ insecure/undemanding enough to " bite ".
Not to mention that people somehow always manage to make time for the persons/things/activities they care about, - and if after lots of pushing and prodding, then one date night - at his place - two weeks ago !, after which more pushing and prodding is required of you - well, I am not saying that he does not care at all, but certainly he does not care a whole lot, or at least not as much as you'd want him to care. Jeez, I felt exhausted just reading your post :)-
you must be a very energetic type to have still all this energies left to try and make this "thing" take off and fly .
Finally. " he said that he does not know what he wants ".
That's his problem, why should you make it yours ? Supposing that you,instead , KNOW what you want ? Like, if you know that you'd want a relationship - then you don't need no wishy-washy dillydallying type like this. Tell him to come back when he has " found " the time- and the will- to date for real. Or, don't tell him anything and keep him like he is now for what he can give now ( not much ) , but be very realistic and do not entertain rose-tinted, overoptimistic expectations : what you see is what you are gonna get.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2017): You have ignored two important things about this guy. He is trying to fit you into his life; when he works two jobs, including over-time. That takes a lot of time and energy.
The second thing is, he just got out of a relationship. He needs time to get-over his ex. There is a healing-process to go through after detaching from someone you were once deeply emotionally-connected to. Men may not do a lot of visible emotionalizing or exposing our pain; we often internalize our feelings. You have offered him female-companionship; but you are working too hard to corner him into a relationship.
Men don't always equate feelings with sexual-activity. We can make-out, have sex, and spend a lot of time with someone without falling in-love with them. That doesn't make us bad, immature, or commitment-phobic. It's part of being a man. We settle-down, and we commit ourselves when we are good and ready. We sometimes need a little urging or prodding; but no amount of pressure or temptation makes us do anything until we want to. Nothing is written in stone. There are always exceptions to the rule. The exceptions aren't the problem.
When a guy wants to settle-down, and he's ready for a serious commitment; there's no pressure required. Which is better? A bird who lands at your feet to feed; or the one who flies away when you reach out your hand filled with delicious seed? If you capture him in a net, he comes unwilling. The bird is trapped. He is unlikely to sing.
When is this guy supposed to get some rest or sleep? He has other routines in his life; like going to the gym, his buddies, and having a personal-life aside from having a love-life. He's single, but recently broke-up; and avoiding rebound relationships. All you see is his status: "Single and available!"
How much talking can you do on the phone? After working a 12-hour day, I'm exhausted! Trying to carrying on a rambling phone-conversation makes me all the more tired. I feel brain-drained and stressed. Sorry, but you really need to be more understanding about his situation. He's not ready for a serious relationship, even though he likes you. You also need more things to do with your idle-time; than spending it on your phone. If a guy blows you off; you ignore him like he doesn't matter. He really doesn't!
He also referred to you as a "friend." That's a signal subtly asking you to slow it down. Insisting on more time and complaining about his irregular-contact is acting as though you're already his girlfriend. Take a hint, girlfriend!
You're complaining; but the problem is you're all about you, and you don't think about anything or anybody else. You seem to have a lot of extra time on your hands. Do you go to the gym, have a circle of girlfriends, have any hobbies, read, study; or have an active social-life aside from looking for a boyfriend? Do you work a full-time job? Are you a full-time student?
Dump dudes who have no time for you! Not because they're bad; but because they're too busy!
Another tidbit of information. If he's clubbing, he's trying to enjoy some freedom and blowing-off some steam. He was tethered for 5 years. He needs a breather! He needs to feel young and independent! That was a long stint of time, and she's still in his system.
For now, you're a good friend; and he enjoys your attention and spending time with you.
He's socially-active. It appears he likes getting out and having some fun on his limited free-time; but you're trying to tie him down to make him your boyfriend. He has no obligation to check-in with you. You're free to do whatever you like, with whomever you wish!
You just don't get it. Talking to people all day and night on the phone is what we do as teenagers. Grown-ups have a lot of things to do over the course of our week; and sometimes phone-chat or texting becomes more of a chore and inconvenience when you'd rather sleep. You'll force yourself to be nice, and pretend it's okay; but in all honesty, it's not.
He's being nice about it, and trying to please you; but you're asking if you should compromise, or let him go?
You should grow-up and understand that he's not trying to get into a relationship. Slow-down! If you want to date other guys, your options are still open. I know some will try to paint him in a bad-way, because he's male. That's not fair. It's also sexist! Guys have a right to decide what we want to do; and with whom (or when) we wish to do it.
You're not a committed-couple, and you can't keep him on a leash by trying to keep him on the phone to reassure you that he's interested. He may be interested in you, but not being anyone's boyfriend right now. Is that enough for you?
If that's not enough; then you move on. Keep searching for a guy single and available, and ready for a commitment.
By the way, if you've known him since you were 14; you may seem more like a sister to him. That sometimes makes a guy feel conflicted about his feelings sexually. Whether he is really sexually-attracted with emotions included; or if he's just open to sex; because it's made available, and the opportunity is there for the taking. He doesn't seem to want to take advantage of you; and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings either.
Femininity is often used as a tool of manipulation. If a woman wants something from a man, or wants to control him; she sometimes dangles sex like a carrot to entice him. Eventually he may go for the carrot. The thing is, his feelings may not be strong enough to make him want anything more than sex. Keep that in-mind when dealing with men. We are smart enough not to be easily manipulated; and we also have a free-will. Sex is good, but not all guys think with their penises.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (4 October 2017):
I'm sorry but a man who is really into just won't be tired or flaky. He'll move heaven and earth to be with you. If he's going to the gym he isn't physically exhausted. He's young. He has the energy if he wants to use it. I think he just isn't that into you. I don't know why he keeps stringing you along but I think it won't end the way you want. Look elsewhere. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2017):
 I think if YOU believe there is actually something to build on here, that you TALK to him. You tell him you are NOT looking to be his friend. That you would like to date him. Which means spend time together IN person on dates.
I think you were right in declining a "house-date" - if he is serious about you not being a rebound then house-dates should be out of the question for now. I think he is being lazy in suggesting "hanging out".
Maybe start out with SHORTER dates? Go for dinner/meal after work. And then go your separate ways. So share a meal and conversation. He can't be too tired for that. He has to eat.
Now if he doesn't think that will work or he doesn't step up, then I think you NEED to stick to your standards and wish him well. Maybe if you are BOTH single down the line when he has TIME and energy to date, you can try again. THAT is what I would tell him.
While it's nice that he suggests a little getaway in February, what's the point in you can't even spend time together during the week?
I do think he likes you but I'm not sure he is willing to:
1. prioritize you
2. invest the time to get to know you again.
(remember you knew each other in your teens, you are both matured a bit and are NOT the same people as back then). And it kind of makes me think this is why he reached out to YOU (someone he knew) rather than a "brand new" girl. He might think he doesn't HAVE to spend TOO much time getting to know you.
THAT attitude is a bit lazy to me. Yes, he is hardworking in earning money... but lazy with effort in courting you. Same with the suggestion of a "house-date".
While I think it's smart to go slow and for him to not jump into a new relationship right after a 5 year one, he is also unsure what he wants from you. But is he really? You know you would LIKE to date him and get to know him - he is being vague. And that has me thinking that yes, he likes you, yes he is attracted to you... but is he "using" you to have someone to talk to and not feel so "lonely" now that he is recently single? I don't think it's done on purpose, it just makes me go... I don't know if you are wasting your time here. (if you are looking for something more than an FWB)
Remember OP, you can't "change" who he is. You might make him realize that YOU are not going to settle for the little crumbs of time he is offering and that might spark an initiative in him... but really... I wouldn't bet on it.
Personally? I'd want a guy who WANTS to spend time with me. Who will MAKE time for it. Even if it's going for a meal or a drink after work and not much else for a while.
Doesn't mean he is a "bad" guy - but you two might want different things right now. I agree with your cousin on that.
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