A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So i have this guy friend who became slightly more than just a friend. I was never really interested in him, didn't see him as that attractive though other girls seem to be very impressed by him and find him charming...Anyway, somewhere along the way some friends told me that he really liked me, and one night we did kiss...he asked me to the movies and i kinda thought, oh well why not, if he wants to try, and we kissed again...but then i found out he kissed another girl a few days after we had, and didn't tell me. Instead he started saying things like "oh i think maybe we shouldn't be anything more than this, i feel a little messed up right now". But he ended up kissing me again anyway...then i found out about this other chick from some friends, and was mad as hell. For a week we were weird and went back to friends, but then again something happened and we kissed, but then he would get weird again, and basically this went on for a month. Till i started getting the talks of "I like you, but we can't be a thing...". We had one great week where he was all normal and i'd stay over a lot and he didn't seem to be changing his mind all the time. But then he would talk to his best chick friend about all this and I would have to deal with him changing his mind all the time. It then slightly became more than kissing, but not sex. I refused to do that with someone who can't commit to me. Again we had some more good moments and then weirdness again, and he started getting really depressed. I hung out with him again and this time he said all he wanted was the friendship cause he didn't want to lose me and he wanted us to be close and able to talk about things and hang out with it never being weird.I cried cause it's not want I want but i didn't want to say it. He said he does like me and he just wants to make me happy but he thinks if we had a relationship and something were to go wrong we'd lose the friendship, and he said he wants to be there for me and kept saying he doesn't want to lose me or the closeness and doesn't want to hurt me. Frankly, i'm devastated, cause in this entire thing he had already hurt me multiple times with the changing of his mind, and the only times i was happy was when we were kissing and things seemed to be going okay. But i'd get the "i don't want to hurt you" speechs. But getting those speeches is what was hurting me.so i think we have to try the just being friends things, nothing else and he says he wants to have dinner and watch some dvds and stuff with me, but i find it really hard...I don't know what to do, cause in my opinion we should have just tried for something and if it ended, i would have still wanted to be friends, i'm just one of those people, I value friendship and i don't like letting go. I was essentially over my first boyfriend about a week after he dumped me, i just wanted to be friends after that, i thought that was more important, but he wouldn't even try, even though he said he wanted that...So how do I make this whole thing work now? friendship or otherwise. Do i need to tell him how i feel about all this? I've tried but i just end up crying too much
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 October 2010):
Hi there. The problem here seems to be that you are both already friends, but making the transition from just friends to a romantic relationship is difficult.
You both have to figure out what's more important - your friendship or a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship?
You were friends for longer.
What he says is right. If you did start a relationship, it would be ok until you had a fight, then things would get ugly. So it's obvious that your friendship is pretty important to him, and it is to you too.
Perhaps just leave it at being friends only. You really don't want to lose his friendship altogether. It's a case of boundaries. They seem to becoming very blurred for you both somehow.
There's very little you can do really. The friendship has more influence on everything, no matter how hard you try to believe otherwise.
I hope this is helpful. Take care and best wishes.
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