| A
age
26-29,
*
writes: Okay, so I have a slight issue with understanding what this boy's intentions and motives are. I met this boy when I first arrived at university in September and he's lovely, bless him. From September until January we only ever said hello to each other, we'd ask how each other was but that was about it, until he'd had a bit too much to drink and then we'd have a laugh in my kitchen with the rest of my flat and everyone else that came round, but as soon as he was sober, he'd be quiet again. But late January, he started sending me 'pokes' on Facebook which I just assumed was his way of saying hi because I'm quite a shy and reserved person and don't go out partying or anything like that. The poke war went on for weeks, we literally got to about 300 and then I had a big event back at home and he sent me a message about it. We started talking and because he wanted a book from me, he asked for my number so we could arrange for him to come and collect it as we're never free at the same time so that was the easiest option.The second he started texting me, he started putting kisses on the end of his messages and calling me 'babe'. The messages flitted between conversations and we started talking about boys and things and we were joking and he asked if I was single, I said yes and the next thing he was saying things like 'you can have me'. I quickly made it clear that I wasn't looking for a relationship and wanted to only be friends and now he flits between normal conversations and calling me babe and stuff. It sounds like he wants to be more than friends but I don't want to jump to conclusions but at the same time I want to make it clear that we are only friends without upsetting him. Any advice? Thank you :)
View related questions:
facebook, shy, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): "I'm trying to do the right thing without upsetting someone who is quite emotional."
OP, in my opinion, and it's nothing personal to you, anyone who can't be up front with people for any crappy reason they invent is being a pussy.
Leading this guy on unintentionally has far greater risk of emotional distress on his part, so your reason makes no sense. My point is, OP, the nicest, least emotionally damaging way to deal with rejection is to treat it like a band aid and rip it off. No confusion, no excuses, no maybe's, just straight up tell the guy you don't see him that way.
Trust me as a man who has had plenty of women think I'm too emotionally fragile to handle rejection then lead me on instead I can tell you it's insulting and far more frustrating.
Also ChiGirl is right, it's not your job to take care of this guys emotions. He has mother to wipe his arse if he's that weak.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): You aren't being direct with the guy. I thought it was only me who sees it that way. I don't think you've made it clear. On the one hand you said you were tactful; then on the other you talk like he's so fragile, and you don't want to hurt his feelings.
Which is it?
Unless the guy's practically stalking you; or being extremely pushy. How are you going to hurt his feelings by asking him to stop calling you babe and treating your like his girlfriend?
Is he daft? The only time guys are that persistent is when they aren't getting the message.
Let him get emotional. He's a grown man. He's obviously crossing the line. Tell him so. If he can't handle it; suggest he see a therapist.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 Its not your job to take care of him emotionally! That's HIS job. So what of he gets upset, he'll deal with it and live with it.
I was right, you were not clear enough in your response. Your response, in his ears, was this "I really like you, but I am so busy right now. If you just give me time and stay in touch and keep on contacting me, you will be the first person I run to if I get a spare moment and want a relationship".
You got to quit being nice about this and say the truth. It's got nothing to do with studies or you being busy: you're just not interested in him in that way.
What would really hurt, if you actually care about his feelings and not just avoiding putting yourself in an awkward position... would be if you keep avoiding it, excusing yourself with being busy, and then he finds you dating someone else. Tell him the truth. Even if you find it uncomfortable. Because who are you kidding, you're not worried about his feelings, you just find it awkward to have to tell him bluntly that you're not interested and you're hoping you can skip it by dropping hints. Because that's easier on you.
You can do it, it's one of life's lessons.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, I am not being a pussy. I'm trying to do the right thing without upsetting someone who is quite emotional.
Tisha-1, thank you. I thought I'd said the right thing but obviously not, I'll be clearer this time round.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 "Shane, I'm not interested in dating you. I just want to make that really clear. The 'babe' stuff concerns me a bit. I don't get flirty with my male friends, I don't want there to be any confusion here. It's making me uncomfortable and I know that saying this is awkward but I do want to be clear about this."
You are not responsible for him. Let that bit go.
His issues are his issues and you are not on the hook for making him think that you might date him.
Woman up! You are not a baby or a doll. :)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): "I thought that was pretty obvious, am I wrong?"
You are wrong. You said you're focussed on your studies, not that you're not interested in him.
You've made nothing clear, OP, you're doing the typical woman thing and being a pussy about it so as not to feel bad in case you hurt his feelings. So you're literally doing everything to avoid rejecting him and hoping he'll take hints instead. Doesn't work like that with most guys, because making excuses instead of outright rejecting a guy leaves the door open for hope in his mind, which is far worse than just being rejected up front. Hope builds, it means he'll hang on for longer, it means his feelings will keep growing because he believes he has a chance and he thinks he just has to wait until the end of semester now because your studies excuse will run out then.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 March 2014):
"Hey there, it's like so awkward to have to say this but the whole 'babe' and flirty texts you are sending are just kind of embarrassing me. I don't feel comfortable being flirty with a guy I see as a friend. Would you mind please not doing that any more? Thanks."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay guys, thanks for the advice :)
So, WiseOwlE, I'm not playing games with his feelings, here's what I said the first time round, he said 'you can have me' and I replied with 'thanks but honestly my studies come first, I'm not looking for anything' and he's continued.
I thought that was pretty obvious, am I wrong?
I honestly have no trouble with telling people straight, but I don't want to be mean to him, there's been some deeper issues with him this year (his own problems, nothing to do with me) but I'm concerned because I don't know the extent of his issues, I think I've made it clear.
Next step? Do I persist in telling him the same thing or do I get more abrupt? Please?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): Just tell him straight up, or you're going to have a long drawn out nightmare and him to get very pissed off you "friendzoned" him.
Also guys who call girls babe and put x's at the end of each text are total slime balls. I mean it's fair enough to get cutesy when in a relationship, but guys who do that to girls thinking they're cute are guys you should be wary of because they're guys who do "cute" things just for the effect and not because they're actually a sweet guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, Hnk  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 The same thing happened to a friend of mine! All the time, it seemed they were dating but in the end, she said she only saw him as a good friend !
They were flirting, spending a lot of time together, having fun around, kissing here and there. He took her out for dinners and movies ! Things went on for good four months until someone told him she had a boyfriend ! He was devastated as everyone of us thought they were dating!
I could only wonder why she did lead him on for a long time until we knew the truth !
My suggestions :
Make it straightforward, he might be taking his time knowing you before he asks you out ! Something like, we are friends and there can NEVER be more to it!
A reply that doesn't make him wait for you like ''I am not ready for a relationship now" still leads to the fact that you might be available later !
Physical contact is to be avoided!
Do not call him with pet names/ send hugs/kisses on texts !
The sooner you tell him , the better or it will only make it worse for him/you later !
Good luck !
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 March 2014):
Girl, he asked if you were single. A guy who isn't interested in you has NO interest in knowing whether you are single or not. It is always a sign that he is interested. Always. No question about it. And he even offered himself to you on a silver platter. If you don't want to "jump to conclusions" that's one thing, but right now you're ignoring the printing in big letters. Yes, he is interested in you and wants you to be his girlfriend!
Just straight out tell him you're not interested. Maybe you think you told him, but my guess is you were too vague in your phrasing and he took it as meaning he just needs to wait and try harder.... You got to be brutally honest about this, and you can't really expect him to stick around afterwards either. It'll just be awkward for him. But he might still want to be friends after you give him some time to cool off. I just doubt it, because sounds to me like he's got a serious crush on you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2014): It upsets him when you don't give him clarification. If you are only friends, and that is all you want. Say so!
He's a big-boy. It will not kill him.
It's playing games with his feelings when you don't simply tell him that you don't like his pet-names and referring to you as "babe." If it continues, you must ask that he no longer be a friend. He'll have to adjust his feelings back to just being friends.
It's crap when you claim you don't want to tell people the truth for hurting their feelings. Lying is worse! Even if it's by omission of the truth.
...............................
|
