A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a relationship with a 28yr old woman and the chemistry seems amazing.)dating nearly 2 months, yes we are exlclusive)This past weekend we discussed who pays for what on dates and she told me it is important for her that the guy pays, that a true gentleman takes care of his woman. Naturally I had an issue with it at first, but we discussed it and in the whole scope of a relationship, the restaurant date thing may be the guys 'give' while she will give in other (not necessarily sexual) areas of the relationship.This may set the framework for her idea of a relationship, that, and my issue. It seems as though I am the one who initiates dates and comes up with plans, I would also like to be pursued. She has FB and linkedin but wont add me and skirts around the topic when I bring it up because only her very dear and personal friends are on there....(we are going on a trip together in a week, and sleep together, thought WE were close)I have also admitted my faults to her too early I think like I can be a bit more feminine than mos dudes etc...and now I feel so horrible for 'going there' as I need to be 'the leader'....She did admit to me however that she keeps wanting to tell me she loves me but is holding back because she is not 100% certain that is what it is, (It meant a lot to me for her to pen up like that, must've been scary)My question? How do I maintain the balance of pursuer vs pursuee....gentleman but not a doormat...sensitive guy but not a wimp, (I'm not your typical rough and tough dude, thats just not me)ugh, any help would be greatly appreciated, I just want to know if she's as into this as I am. Thank you for your help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Yeah I was fine with things till I read that she wont' add you to her social media... to me that's a big red flag.
I am a baby boomer generation girl. I am old fashioned. I was raised that men ask you out and men pay for the dates... and if young lady offered to pay her way it showed desperation (seriously that's how I was raised)
IT stems back to that whole "glass ceiling" issue when men always made more than women... now it's not the case so much but we still seem to feel that men need to be the pursuers...
Personally 2 months in is not a lot of time to be planning long term yet... and the fact that she wants you to plan everything and pay for everything is not a red flag to me UNTIL you add in the whole keeping you a "dirty secret" from the rest of her life. THEN it bothers me.
Personally, I think that you need to not find a way to play games but rather you should BE YOURSELF.... if you don't want to pay for everything you tell her why... if you want to be added to social media and she won't, then you say "well I guess I"m not as important as I thought I was and we need to end it" and see what happens...
BE yourself... there is a woman out there that will fit perfectly with you as you are.... you just need to find her.
my hubby did not find me till he was 37... he was alone till then
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 January 2013):
 It atarts with coffee at Starbucks.... and escalates to two weeks in the Virgin Islands..... then, a new BMW every year.....
When a woman insists on a man paying for any-/everything they do.... that should set off an alarm that she is REALLY just looking for a "wallet" to finance her preferred life-style and amusement....
I'd dump such a "lady" as soon as I learned of this...
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Exclusive after only 2 months? That's quick! A gentleman will pay for dates but if your woman doesn't at least pick up the bill once in a while then there's something not right. I think if a woman really likes you she'd want to treat you too. The best women are the ones which can't pay too quickly when you've already done so. I've dated a few women who, after I take them out to dinner, next time they insist, i still pay, but then next time let them pay (for something). That shows integrity. If I'm always paying all the time then how do I know she's not after a free dinner all the time?
"This past weekend we discussed who pays for what on dates and she told me it is important for her that the guy pays, that a true gentleman takes care of his woman. Naturally I had an issue with it at first, but we discussed it and in the whole scope of a relationship, the restaurant date thing may be the guys 'give' while she will give in other (not necessarily sexual) areas of the relationship."
That's a load of rubbish. The 2 of you should treat each other. That doesn't mean it has to be expensive. Thing is if you are going out exclusively with a girl, pay for everything, and she keeps parts of her life secret (friends) then what is she hiding?
You say you admitted your faults to her too early. That's not good. The good thing is you know you have. No more of that please. Sounds to me like you've opened up to her a bit quick. There's really no need to do that.
If you want her to ask you out sometimes then you need to hold back a bit. She has it easy with you... You have to pay for everything and you have to ask her out on dates, and organise them all. What do you get out of this? The pleasure of her company? Well, she gets the pleasure of your company too you know?
Yes, as the man I tend to think about what to do for dates but I let her pursue me (e.g "hey, you taking me out next week?"). And sometimes I'll just call her and say "lets go out for chinese on thursday. I'll pick you up at 8" but I don't tell her all about my week, work or whatever. I save the conversation for the date.
The hiding of the whole social networking thing sounds a bit fishy but then it's only been 2 months. To be honest I don't really use mine. I use FB more like email because some friends prefer it but I don't have a profile as such.
Aunty BimBim seems to have it down. However, if you're not sure if she's taking you for a ride then hold back a bit and see what happens. Don't be so keen. If she's allowed to get away with all this, if you give her an inch and she takes a mile, she'll get sloppy and you'll know.
I have a suggestion; how about next time you meet for a drink, after you've bought the first round, wait until she's finished and you're finished, then ask her "fancy another drink?" if she says yes say "tell you what, you can get these" and let her pay for the second round.
Here's the drift. If she's offended, angry or awkward in any way then go along with it. Then after the date, get rid. Just walk away.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 January 2013):
Look, you are either living by 1950 rules, or you are living by 2013 rules. Cant have it both ways. You want to live by 2013 rules, then the woman pays her way at least half of the time. You want to live by 1950 rules, then well....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Oh dear ...
I started out writing a response which was very snipey towards women who seem to think men are the only ones who should be financially contributing to a relationship, but deleted it and re read the question.
Noted you have only been dating for 2 months, so I was going to mention the honeymoon period, and perhaps you could revisit the issue in a few months ...
AND THEN
I read that she wont add you to any of her social networking sites because it is only for very dear and personal friends --- and yet you are having sex! How personal does a person need to be to be added to her friends list?
I think this young lady is taking you for a ride.
Women today, while happy to have the man pick up the tab most times, are also happy to contribute to meals, tickets, drinks etc, and while men might pay for much of costs incurred on a date, there is some give and take, along the lines of "you paid for dinner last night, let me get this today."
Has she discussed what areas she is going to be giving in the relationship (apart from sex), or was that just a vague, blurry, undefined concept?
I'd slow down a little if I were you, and see how things develop over the next few weeks, see if she is contributing to the relationship and see if you are going to be counted as a friend as well as somebody she sleeps with.
Good luck!
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