A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am 30+ years old Indian (Asian) women with a great career. Married but not living with my husband (no kids, he is impotent), it was arranged marriage we never got along well. Trying for divorce, but my husband wants to give this another chance, but i dont. I dispise him and i dont think i can ever live with him.Being an Indian, i cant get married again, already im old, and indian culture is still backwards.So what should i do with the rest of my life, i feel really sad seeing all my friends and relatives happily married with kids but me like this. I hate my life, i feel i dont have any purpose in life. Even thought about adoting a child, being a single mother is very difficult in India, child does needs to have father's name.Please help me,
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2013): How about using sperm donors to conceive a child. Or else how about removing yourself from Indian culture and relocating to Europe or America and adopting that culture instead where there are more accepted lifestyles.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Ask your husband how he wants to deal with his impotence. I guess that even if he is impotent, he is still interested in doing something sexual. If so, then you should find a good friend, maybe one of his friends, or an other suitable man, who will join to your sexual plays, and can satisfy you, and your husband can enjoy the situation. Maybe this man can make you pregnant. But this latter question is a bit more complicated; you may get pregnat even from your impotent husband if he can ejaculate with some hand- or blowjob- etc.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2013):
 File for an ANNULMENT of the marriage now and do this in the USA. I do not know if impotence is grounds for an ANNULMENT in India but it is grounds for divorce in USA
Since your husband is impotent and you would like (one presumes) to have children and your husband is unable to consumate the marriage.
Impotence is a ground for a divorce.
Here are the details:
http://www.courts.ca.gov/1037.htm#legal
Find a way to stay in the USA as the new 50:50 legislation in India may not yet be law even though it was first discussed some times ago, it takes time for India to change the laws.
You will be able to earn more in the USA if you can stay. You can easily remarry with no stigma in USA.
You may have trouble collecting any alimony from your husband from India, but who cares? You can find a better husband in the USA. By USA standards you are still young.
Try to avoid going back to India. It is soul destroying to live in a loveless marriage. And Indian values are not always fair to divorced women.
http://supari.org/supreme-court-of-india-no-alimony-for-woman-who-desert-husband/
Supreme Court of India decision to not grant Alimony (financial support after divorce) to women who leave a husband
Speak to a Divorce lawyer in USA in the place where you reside. Make sure you have a copy of your marriage certificate or obtain a copy fom where you were married.
USA justice will be faster than Indian justice so don't bother applying for a divorce in India as you could be tied up in paper work for years.
Then there is the problem of any Bride Price paid in India when you married. If that was the case then if you go back to India you could be in for more pain. Apply to stay longer in USA.
You also need to NOT discuss your impending Annulment nor Divorce (depending on what you choose) with relatives as you know that the GOSSIP grapevine will go into overload and it could get nasty for you.
While you are in USA and have a good job you are in a strong position. Go back to India and your position will not be as strong.
Remain pleasant to his family. Polite and stoic, and reveal little. Stay pleasant and give little away. Let people see what a lovely peaceful good person you are.
You most definitely CAN remarry if you stay in the USA. With NO stigma whatsoever.
I do hope you can work this out and complete this move all in the USA. you can always visit India again one day once you have remarried in USA. Try to become a USA citizen too before you visit India again.
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A
male
reader, Mig29  +, writes (20 January 2013):
I do not think that it is an an issue, there are steps that you need to take, First, get the divorce and have your own freedom and life it will also save you the misery of seeing your husband every day and also for him to move on
Second once you are in your comfort zone then you can find some one to be with, if you do not wish to marry its fine but you can have the pleasure that humans need.
lastly you may meet some one who had been married and already have kids, so you don't know what life has in store, its all about taking the first steps.
Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 January 2013):
 I was going to say...you live here in the United States, right? There's no legal reason you can't remarry.
However, it sounds like you would be disowned by your traditional Indian (Asian) family by going against the normal protocol and family obligations if you were to split from your arranged marriage?
It's a bad situation all around. The only question here is, which life would you be most happy, or the least miserable in?
1. Living with a man you hate for the sake of family standing.
2. Divorcing but living alone to satisfy standing with family and getting rid of someone you despise from you life
3. Divorcing and ultimately choosing your own husband, which will get you disowned and possibly cause you to have an untenable situation religiously or culturally.
4. Remaining married but having an affair, which will eventually cause cascading irreparable damage.
You have a tough choice, and you'll lose something either way. In this case, it's choosing the lesser of the evils. Take your time to decide for yourself what you can and can't live with.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (20 January 2013):
 Presuming you are living in India and have no choice but to live in that culture... live is about making choices and accepting the consequences of those choices.
You accepted the arranged marriage instead of fighting it and now have to live with the consequences.
You could arrange a divorce and there will be consequences to that and you will have to live with them.
You could adopt or try to make the marriage work or remain married but living apart and there will be consequences to that and you will have to live with them.
The point of all this is that YOU got to decide whether what you think will be best for you, is worth the consequences.
If you are miserable now, then will being slightly unhappy as a single woman in India unable to remarry not be an improvement? You are old enough to know that live can't always have an happy ending. So what ending will be better? Sometimes you just got to take the risk that anything else is better.
But you got to remember that this is written with the background of India being pretty much a horror country for women, I don't think I have heard a single positive story out of India on human rights in over a decade. I can't possibly imagine how hard it is for a woman to divorce or live single in India.
Your life, your choice is easy to say from the safety of a western country but it remains true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, I work in US, but basically Indian and will be returning back to India in couple of months
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2013):
Hi
Your flag show a USA flag, is that a mistake?
Or were you born a USA citizen, or do you now live in USA, or have you and/or your husband moved to to USA. Perhaps you have a wonderful career where you spend part of your time in the USA?
Or is your chosen flag wrong?
So what if I assume that you chose a USA flag in error?
And I'm aware that only around one in every 100 marriages in India ends in divorce, due to the stigma. Though this stigma surrounding divorce.
Yet this stigma does not seem to affect the very rich or the very famous, or in some cases, women who are highly educated, to the same degree as the rest of the population in India.
But before I continue could you clarify the flag issue? As it affects the advice to be given.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2013): Ok. This is black and white. You are in America. You can succumb to your cultural restrictions or you can find happiness. You're not too old for that. I'm also from a different culture so I understand, but at some point you have to do what is right for you because only you have to live with your decisions. Divorce that man. If you don't love him, it's pointless. Start dating and find someone new that loves you and makes you feel special. Have children naturally or adopt. But do what makes you happy.
Like I said, you're in America. So, you don't necessarily have to date outside of your race if you don't want to (although that's always an option - and love knows no racial lines) You can find someone of your same culture and your age. They are out there.
Good luck!
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