A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend dearly. We've been dating for about 8 months, but have known each other for around an year.Although he's 5 years older than me, our relationship is good (one or two fights in between, nothing important).The problem is, he's been doing extra shifts at work for a couple months now. So I can barely see him, because he's either at work or he's at home sleeping.When I do get to be with him (twice a week maybe), he's a sweetheart as always but we can't go anywhere nor do anything because he's too tired. When we decide to stay in and watch a movie, he falls asleep within the first 10 minutes. If we go out on a calm date (to a park or something) we either stay outside for half an hour and he goes home or he leans against my shoulder and falls asleep!I never complained because I want to be understanding, but this is killing me. I told him (jokingly) we're almost at a long distance relationship, and we sighed and said he was tired.To top it off, when we're together we have no sex whatsoever. He does touch me and I tell him to keep going, but he stops as if he was just teasing. I sometimes try to initiate, but he usually says he just wants to cuddle. Then falls asleep.I'm entering a stage of extreme sexual frustration, because I'm so much lacking the physical contact (bear in mind that I don't even get to kiss him for days!)I feel awful even thinking about this but if, right now, a stranger offered me a no-string-attached-nobody-will-know night of sex, I'm not sure if I could resist. I'd never go after another guy and cheat, but.. it's hard to describe the feeling. Please don't think I'm unfaithful or that I don't honestly love him, but I've all my feelings and hormones out of control.A friend told me that a couple months isn't that much time, but as someone who initiated her sex life relatively soon (one year, give or take) and had sex every two/three days (even then I could go for it daily, but I have to respect his wishes), this withdraw is extremely hard for me to deal with (to top the lack of actual contact). Masturbation doesn't cut it for me anymore.Should I have a more serious talk with him about this? What's the best way to tell him my feelings are getting a bit hurt without being too pushy? Or should I just suck it up and deal with it for no matter how long?Am I overreacting about the whole sex thing?
View related questions:
at work, long distance, sex life, teasing Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ladylike26  +, writes (8 April 2013):
I can understand your dilemma, I am almost in the same situation but slightly different.My only advice is and something to remember that one good thing doesnt make for another bad thing. By this I mean, he is a sweetheart when you are together (which I dont know why if he falls asleep, no sex, doesnt satisfy any of your need) but he is working hard, obviously for you two. But...that doesnt make up for anything else. A relationship is about making an effort, about talking and try to accomodate each other's needs. You need to talk to him honestly. You are not charity, you cannot live his life just because he is a sweetheart to you for a few hours. We all have our needs, this might sound selfish, but if you think about it, why would you suck it up and not deal with it? he doesnt suck up any of your issues because he just doesnt do anything about it. Don't feel guilty by talking to him about this. Try to talk about ' your ' feelings and not : 'YOU DONT DO THIS, You DONT Do THAT' etc. If he cannot respect your feelings and expect you to suck it up and take it as moaning, then he has no idea what a relationship is about and you should consider moving on and live the life you want to live.Good luck
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I had started my reply to your post by inviting you to be understanding : after all, if he has to work so much etc.... then I changed my mind.
I remembered that on March 31st, Easter Day , I replied to another anon female from Spain, 22-25, who complained that her bf was capable of going MIA for 3 days, no warning or apologies, and would just stand her up on dates, or arrive much later, again without bothering to cancel .
If that is you , I think you need to give an honest hard dispassionate look at what is really going on, and call a spade a spade.
Your relationship is not " good " and he is not a "sweetheart" ,if he never has time for you - at least time that he can spend awake - AND, when he has time, he just shows up or not, ( and the "not " happened already quite a few times ) according to HIS whims and convenience.
If you are the same poster ( it sounds likely ) - it all adds up and it shows that a) he is taking you for granted b) ALL the relationship is on his terms and conditions only c ) you are not likely to get that reasonable attention and care you want from him, because you have been insisting on it so far, to no avail. You can bring the horse to the water but you can't make it drink, and this seems very much a NOT thirsty at all horse.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): You don't explain why your boyfriend has to do the extra shift work. He's working too hard and he's obviously tired all the time. You have no time for each other, and he has little time to rest. It isn't as though he is purposely neglecting you. This is the conclusion I draw from what you've said.Maybe You need to find cheaper living arrangements to take some of the financial burden off his shoulders. Go over your household budget to see what can be eliminated that will reduce the need to pack in so many hours. The guy is either dead on his feet, or just not that interested in sex.Not knowing who earns the bulk of your household income doesn't offer too much to go on. Do you have a lot of debt? Maybe you need to get them consolidated, or get some financial planning to ease the burden so you both can have more time together.Until he can work less hours, you'll get less sex. There is also the possibility that there is a lull in his sex-drive due to lowered testosterone or an undiagnosed illness. He's a bit young, but maybe he should see his doctor for a physical.Until you rule out these possibilities you have to exercise some patience. You could also get an part-time job,or extra hours of work, to bring in more income to lighten the load.This is way off course; but you might want to check his pay-stubs to be sure he is only working "over-time" at work.He might be engaging in a little fun and games after work.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): You don't explain why your boyfriend has to do the extra shift work. He's working too hard and he's obviously tired all the time. You have no time for each other, and he has little time to rest. It isn't as though he is purposely neglecting you.Maybe You need to find cheaper living arrangements to take some of the financial burden off his shoulders. Go over your household budget to see what can be eliminated that will reduce the need to pack in so many hours. The guy is nearly dead on his feet. He's exhausted, from what you explain! Not knowing who earns the bulk of your household income doesn't offer much too much to go on. Do you have a lot of debt? Maybe you need to get them consolidated, or get some financial planning to ease the burden so you both can have more time together.Until he can work less hours, you'll get less sex. There is also the possibility that there is a lull in his sex-drive due to lowered testosterone. He's a bit young, but maybe he should see his doctor for a physical.Until you rule out these possibilities you have to exercise some patience. You could also get an part-time job to bring in more income to lighten the load.This is way off course; but you might want to check his pay-stubs to be sure he is only working "over-time" at work.He might be engaging in a little fun after work.
...............................
|
