A
female
age
41-50,
*omatron
writes:I recently was told by my husband that he cheated on me. We have been together for over 6 years, married for 5 years. Our relationship has seen long working retail hours, opposite shifts, 15 month Iraq deployment, two beautiful children, and he recently became a police officer. I was the best equipped women to be the wife of a cop. The stigma surrounding cop relationships didn't concern me a bit. He is the most honest likable guy I know. We went to counseling but I just don't understand why. We were the couple everybody envied. We had it together then one day it was all gone. He was only able to stay faithful 1 year after joining the force and nay sayers that say the job had nothing to do with it need to understand him. The job had everything to do with it. He is different on the outside but with the same foundation. The job completed our lives because it made him happy. If it weren't for the kids I think I would have left him already. Any cop wives have advice? Can I make this work? Do I want to?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 I am one of the naysayers. I think your husband cheated because he is a cheater , not because he is a cop.
Sure, it's quite possible that people in high pressure high stress work environments are more prone to cheating on their spouse, I even think I saw some stats in this sense. So it's not just cops, but also physicians, stockbrockers, firemen.... well, at the end of the day, everybody. If you are a person who takes responibilities very seriously and invest a lot of yourself in your job, even selling apples from a cart can be a huge source of stress.
And so.... ? that only means that unluckily you have married a man who seeks relief from stress and pressure by cheating, rather than in other less objectionable ways. There's no cause/effect relationship. Tons of other people would react instead by , I don't know, taking up yoga or meditation, or going to the gym every day, or kicking the family dog:)- rather than turning to other women. The flaw is in the moral fiber of your husband and in his values, not in his job.
Can you make this work ? Uhm. Perhaps. Only if he really really wants to, and if he is really repentant and committed to change, surely NOT if he takes ( with your endorsement ) the attitude, " Hey I am a cop, what do you expect ".
Do you want to ? Ah this is an excellent question and the most important one. But I am afraid that we can't answer that for you, you are the only one who knows the answer.
A
female
reader, Nickie917 +, writes (23 July 2013):
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I am married to a police officer and have recently found out he is cheating. After discussions with a few other wives in the department I've found out that there are three others that are cheating. They are all cheating with: (2) female officers, a paramedic, and a nurse. I think the pattern is obvious. My husband (soon to be ex) was not a police officer when I met him. He was the most honest man with the highest level of integrity I had ever met. I put him through college and the police academy, and now he has become some one I do not know anymore. I know he made these choices, but I do believe the career has had a stong influence (not in a good way).I hope your situation works out for you - but there are four (soon to be former) wives of police officers that feel your pain and know what you are going through.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Sorry to hear about your husband's transgression.
From what I have read, wives who are married to police officers have some of the highest divorce rates. The stress of the job and the camaraderie that is formed with his fellow officers make it ripe for cheating.
You don't give us many details about the who and the why's and what is motivations are. From your description, perhaps you were living a life of illusion: what you thought was the perfect marriage was in your mind's eye only. Perhaps he felt left out or neglected and that caused him to drift. Some men go with the flow in silence just to keep the peace in the family and silently begin to look elsewhere for marital satisfaction.
My suggestions would be if you choose to say in your marriage:
1) Seek out counseling -- either as a couple or for yourself. A neutral 3rd party could unveil what was truly going on. You are entitled to know what went on -- especially if you want to repair your marriage. I know you have tried counseling, but perhaps another therapist may help you understand.
2) Ask if your husband wants to make it work. If he says it is over, your best bet is to start to prepare for divorce. You cannot repair a marriage unless both parties are interested.
I half sense that you are in denial as to what went wrong. You were under the illusion that everything was perfect, but reading between the lines, you were never very close with your odd hours. I have seen so many marriages end because couples work different shifts -- so much so that eventually their spouse becomes their roommate.
If you decide to stay married to one another, it may be time to make some adjustments in your careers. If your careers are killing your marriage, someone is going to have make a concession to make it work.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): I work in medical, and like the police force it tends to break up many happy couples.. I think mostly this is to do with the unsocial able hours the fact that some say, other people don't get me like my colleagues.. To much time away from home and when home sleeping and eating and the responsibilities of what a family bring.. Can drain the relationship..I've been married 25 years and no have never had an affair that isn't because it hasn't been offered its just that I love my husband enough to know what side my toast is buttered.. That doesn't mean that we haven't had our ups and downs though.. What you need to do is have a honest chat away from the children.. Do you love him . Does he love you? Those are the main threads.. 2nd thing is you can't help the fact he will work shifts etc but you can implement you and him time? Every relationship needs romance that belly flip you got when you first dating.. But that excitement in your relationship .. If this relationship has run it's course then trying to cling to it for the sake of the kids won't help.. Take a vacation .. Does he have any time coming up? If so use it now .. Go away as a couple for a weekend just to a motel go out dancing dinner cinema talk and eat and get either back in track or sort out an end plan . If you get on track then go away with the kids for a week.. And just chill.. Time will only heal with the understanding that one time you can forgive the second time he's out the door.
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A
male
reader, SoltanGris +, writes (7 April 2013):
 Was your spouse cheating out of loss of love for you, or was he/she cheating just because of a physical lust? There's a huge difference. If your husband is still in love with you - and only you can determine that, either by observation or by asking him directly because he's an honest guy - that is something that you might be able to work around. But if he's truly out of love with you, it's time to cut him loose.
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