A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do I learn to trust my boyfriend? He does go out with his friends. But I'm just worried he is out flirting with women. Its frustrating that at his age he still loves going to clubs and he drinks a lot. I love him but wish he grows more mature for his age. He also admits to being a natural flirt and it really bothers me that he would straight up say to my face that "he might flirt with other women but at the end of the day he comes home to me." Also, one thing that eats up my already low self esteem is when he fails to tell me im pretty., yet can say how beautiful other women are (celebrities) perhaps it sounds ridiculous but shouldn't boyfriends try and make their girlfriends loved and appreciated and always make them feel desirable and beautiful? He is 38, no college degree but in military, he is divorced with 3 kids and i have a bachelor's degree, a job, have never been married, no kids, average looking with very low self esteem and wonders why there are 2 other guys wanting to date me. I love him, but some days he just makes me feel more insecure about myself that i end up becoming needy and clingy. How do i let him know of my needs? I need reassurance.
View related questions:
divorce, flirt, insecure, military, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2015):
 He is so WRONG for you as a partner.
A woman with low self-esteem needs a partner that is mature and attentive. He is 38 behaving like he's 21... let him go and consider dating the two that want you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis kids are with his ex-wife and gets to see them only when ge goes on leave. We both work overseas, we met here.
I have already spoken to him about how I feel, and he appologized about it.
I am still working on myself esteem. To be honest he did help boost it, just somedays he does things intentionally to see how I react...
I used to go clubbing with him, sometimes he goes out with his buddies and I allow him that freedom.
Thank you for the replies everyone, very much appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 I myself have never liked guys or girls who call themselves "natural flirters" as too me it just strikes me as them using an excuse to get away with more than they normally could! The first thought I got from reading your situation was that you were caring for an overgrown man child! Relationships are two way things, its all about making one and other feel good! You both deserve to get positive attention from one and other and it cannot be all one sided on your part. Even if relationships die down a bit, compliments and making one and other feel good is a big part of feeling valued in a relationship, and if he can't do something as simple as that then he is neglecting your emotional needs. You have low self esteem, and as you are going out with someone who is prone to flirting, this can sometimes be a recipe for disaster... I know it may be hard but you do need to know that you don't need anyone by your side to feel good about yourself :) I would suggest that you should maybe start doing little things every day that makes you feel better about yourself as having low self esteem is a battle which is hard to fight. Also the fact he can comment on other people and call them beautiful and not you is not good enough and you as a human being deserve more than that. I myself have never been a big clubber and I can't understand why a 38 year old man with 3 children can still be into it... may I also ask if you are the one left at home with the kids why he goes drinking? If this is the case then this whole situation isn't fair on you in the slighest way. I personally think you need to start doing things for YOURSELF which makes you feel good about who you are... you do not need a partner to sort your self esteem out and you would be surprised how doing little things everyday can boost the way you view yourself. Go get your hair done, go for a drink, get your nails done, buy some clothes even go clubbing if you want to! :) As for your boyfriend you need to talk to him as these problems can't be left to fester as otherwise nothing will change. You should sit him down and tell him how you feel... tell him you feel like he doesn't appreciate you and tell him that you worry he is doing things that he shouldn't be... this isn't you being paranoid and don't let him use that one on you, you are simply stating your thoughts and it will probably make you feel much better than sitting at home worrying about it, as when you talk openly about matters like this you can often tell how the other person is feeling just by body language. Tell him you deserve to be treated nice! Tell him it wouldn't hurt if he could every now and then compliment you and buy you some flowers! Tell him that he needs to step up to the plate :) And why don't you even offer to go clubbing with him? See how he reacts to that.. you will be able to tell if he's up to something because no doubt he will decline your offer straight away. Just remember every man and woman deserves to be admired from time to time. Good Luck. x
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 February 2015):
 It's obvious now why he's divorced. He's a shitty partner.
He's 38 and had zero self-control or loyalty towards his partner?? When someone is with someone else, they DON"T FLIRT with other people! Would he feel as cavalier if you were out at the clubs drinking and letting guys buy you drinks while you flirt with them?? No way! He'd get pissy and territorial for sure.
I want to know something right now. Are you watching his 3 kids?? Who has them while he's out drinking and flirting?? Does his ex have them? You need to look and see how he treats her.
If a guy acted like this, clingy would be the absolute opposite of what I'd be, especially if I had as much going for me as you have for you. I'd drop him to the curb and find a guy who makes me feel no less than cherished. A guy who would be loyal and faithful in all of his actions, including the ones where I'm not around to see them.
Drop the guy. Who cares if he compliments you or not?? I'd want to vomit if he were complimenting me with the same mouth I knew he was flattering other women at the same time with.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 February 2015):
 I wonder how, with 3 kids, in military, he still manages to go out, drink and flirt. Does he only get minimal child visitation? Or is he with you because you can be a babysitter? He goes out not because he is looking to replace you any one soon. As you know a single dad of 3 kids can hardly attract any woman. He just wants to appear to have the power to pick and to get women to respond to him. After a failed long term relationship he wants to have the freedom that he missed out on before.
It's not a boyfriend's job to raise your self esteem but it should feel natural for him to compliment you. As you are in love your partner should be beautiful only to you. His actions do not sound like he is in love with you. Rather, he is with a younger woman like you to feel better about himself.
You should not have to teach someone how to treat a lady. If you really value your needs you should have higher standards for a boyfriend. Someone who cares about meeting your needs.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): Do you actually love this guy, or is the familiar feeling with him just providing you with some security? Someone who loves you shouldn't be flirting with other people, and they wouldn't because you would be enough for them.He sounds like a complete loser. He's 38 and still acts like he is 18. Hitting the clubs with your friends might be fun in your 20's, and whilst your only as old as you feel there comes a time when clubs are just not interesting places to be. I'd rather spend my Friday night watching netflix tv shows with my hubby than out on the lash. When the clubs are only filled with 18-21 year olds anyway I can't be arsed with the immaturity. Give me a pub, roaring fire and conversation over a club any day. Your with a man who openly tells you he's flirting, and expects you to be grateful because he comes home to you?! Do your self esteem a favor and ditch a guy that acts like that. You need to realise you deserve more, I would rather be single and happy than with someone who makes me miserable and doubt myself. He'll openly call celebs hot but can't offer you a compliment? A decent guy would keep those thoughts in his head, and should make you feel better about yourself.I'd dump him, and if I were you I would spend some time singleTo work on your own self esteem. Once you are comfortable with yourself, life is simpler and you're happier. No one but you holds the key toYour happiness - don't rely on this chump to make you happy because he's too busy making himself feel great.
...............................
|
