A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having an affair with a married man for 8 years. At first it was very innocent, lots of flirting, kissing and up until a month ago everything but sex, we've recently engaged in it. My feelings for him are so strong, and I know he doesn't feel the same way towards me. I know he is never going to leave his wife, but I can't let go. I work with him every day i've told him we should stop talking, but he gets angry. I find myself being mean to him and saying hateful things and he takes it from me. Earlier this year he told me him and his wife are having another kid. My heart is broke, I have no self esteem I have anxiety all the time and take depression medicine. I've tried dating, but everyone I date I compare to him, they are never as good as he is. I basically just sit around and wait for him to decide when he wants to see me. Most of the time it is just for an hour. I want more, but I know I need to let go. How do I let go when I have to work and see him everyday? How do I get my life back? i need help.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (13 June 2010):
 A married man who cheats is also a liar. Any relationship you have with him is based on lies--the lies he tells his wife and the lies he tells you.
You can either decide to continue to be a part of the lie or you can stop using work as an excuse to stay in a fucked up relationship, stop holding a pity party and take responsibility for the role you played in creating this situation, and start moving ahead with your life. You're hanging on to this man because you want to hang on; no one is holding a gun to your head. You're not some helpless victim in this mess--you got yourself into it, you can get yourself out of it.
If you can't leave your job, see if you can get transferred to another office or change your shift. Ask to take on additional responsibilities so you won't have so much time available to talk to this man--sounds like you have too much time on your hands at work. Outside of work, you have to find something to do rather than sit around and wait for him to call. Take a class in a subject that's always interested you or volunteer to help the less fortunate. I suggest you volunteer at a cancer ward or with homeless kids so you can get some perspective on life.
You have tied your self-esteem to another person and are depending on a cheater to validate you. Ultimately, the only person who is responsible for how you feel about yourself is yourself, so start doing the work necessary to get your self-esteem up. Don't worry about dating; talk to a professional so you can address why you chose to be in an 8 year relationship with a married man. Figure out why you are so afraid of his anger and rejection even though he doesn't care for you.
You have a lot of work to do if you really want to get your life back. Cutting this man off is the first step.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 And tell him to go and suck his anger.. he lied to his wife, he manipulated you, he's a liar and a cheat, who cares what he likes..
These guys that are married and cheat are selfish.. forget about him, and put yourself first.. you no longer have any reason to keep pleasing him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 June 2010):
I'm not even gonna read your post.. I've heard it all before.. Please read the stories from our ladies who are sad in this post.. they are in your situation, and they know the pain and the hurt you suffer..
Please tell your story there, you'll be able to give and get support from people who know exactly how you feel...
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
It's hard, but you will survive.. please read all the stories and realise your not alone..
Keep your head up, you can survive this and become stronger.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): I could have written your post. I had a 10 year affair and the guy had a child with his wife towards the end of it.... he didn't have the guts to tell me she was pregnant until 3 weeks before she gave birth. I was so shocked it made me ill. However the reality was he was cementing his relationship with his wife (lets face it they were still sleeping together despite what he told me about how bad his relationship was). We are sometimes fools and blinded by these men who have us just where they want us.... hanging around for them, waiting for the calls (that never come) birthdays and holidays come and go and we live in hope they will want to spend time with us. I grieve for the lost time in my life that I gave to this stupid affair - but I know why I did it. I thought I was worth that little - that all I was worth was to come second best and be fed crumbs. Thats a trap you see - because again it re-enforces you being kept just where it suits this guy. Desperate. I'm sorry to use that word but you are and I was. I got out of it by changing my job. One day I looked at how ill the whole situation was making me and I thought 'no more'. In addition people had worked things out and I felt so sad that my professional reputation was being eroded by someone that actually didn't care for me the person. I handed in my notice and I did not tell the guy (he was a contract worker not a full time employee but was in my office most days). Eventually he heard and was livid but I realised he was angry because he was losing the control he had over me. I had wised up. However the real difference came when I became aware one day that I had not checked my phone for at least 3 hours (usually I would be desperately hoping to hear from him). I was on the mend - he was ebbing away from my thoughts. Each day I got stronger. He tried to claw me back but I avoided him - and each time I avoided his calls or his begging I felt stronger and empowered - not weaker!! The real breakthrough was in meeting a new guy who was available 24/7. The joy of being able to go out and be with someone without worry, fear, guilt etc was like being set free. I urge you to set yourself free, whatever it takes, learn to fly again. I am proof that even after years of being sucked into a messy situation you can break free.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 June 2010):
The reason no one compares to him is because you're not seeing him for what he is. A cheating liar who has used you for the past 8 years as an emotional rock. Compared to him, a lot of men are better. More importantly right now, you need to stop dating and focus on your own esteem. No good guy will go for you if you have low self esteem. All you'll do is attract men like this guy who has used you. Esteem first, then move on and start dating guys.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 "Everyone you date you compare to him, they are never as good as he is..."
You need to get out and date more, its not hard to find someone better than a cheating, lying bastard.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (13 June 2010):
You [ and he but that's by the way] are risking destroying the happiness of innocent parties : the children and his wife.
You need to get right away and the obvious route is to change your job and maybe even city if that is possible. Cut off all contact; change your cell number.
Immerse yourself in distraction activities till the madness passes and you meet up with someone who is free to have a relationship / sex .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Try to find a new job. Work on your self esteem, you deserve better and you deserve to be with a man thats all yours and not married so you can have your emotional needs met. When you want to see him call a friend and go out and do something else instead...start putting you first. The more time you spend away from him the easier it is to walk away. Good luck
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