A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 13 yrs now and I'm pretty sure I am no longer in love with him. We have 2 children together 6 and 11 and I’m afraid to leave because I don't want to hurt them. Although he doesn't spend much time with them I know they would be devistated. I've known for quiet some time now that it would probably end badly because all we do is scream and curse and fight when we are together. I'm happier when he is gone to work and dread spending long periods of time with him. And to make matters worse all he does is play video games in our living room every free moment he has! My only escape is to go to my bedroom and sit alone watching TV for hours on end. We also have not slept in the same bed for about 5 yrs now although we do share the same room. And our sex life is almost nonexistant! About 4 times a yr is when we have sex and I find it only happens when he first gets interested in someone else although he thinks I do not know. I have cheated on him many times and unfortunately no longer regret it. I have tried over and over again to speak with him and work things out but he either ignores me until I walk away or he says I'm the one with the problem not him so fix it. On top of it all I am currently not working because he wanted me to be home to be with the children and so if I leave I have no money! Also I no longer have any friends because over the years we just drifted apart so I don’t have anyone to lean on for help. Now my question is how do I leave with no money, no help and manage to make the children understand it is not their fault and keep them safe and happy? I can really use some advice on all this...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2009): I do not have a solution, but I am also going through a similar ordeal. I am married though, and my husband is an alcoholic in and out of AA.Because of his issues, we are almost in financial ruin. I too have 2 children. I too had an affair. At this time I work 3 jobs just trying to pay the bills. My husband packed yesterday and said he was staying with a friend because he can no longer take the "nagging". I have not heard from him and he won't answer his phone. My fear is that he is getting drunk and spending money again at strip clubs or bars. The problem is I have no control over his choices, but his choices affect me and my children. I want to just let him go, but financially I can not. I wish I knew a solution as well. A friend just recently told me that I have been taking care of my husband for 13 years and now it is time to take care of me-- I wish I knew how. Please know that I feel for you especially when it comes to trying to do right for your children. When is it better to just let go completely and deal with the fall out? When there are so many other things to consider besides your feelings, I don't know.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (17 August 2009):
 This sounds like a very complicated issue. Your common law marriage needs to be treated like a marriage for your kids sakes if nothing else. My suggestion would be to separate, be honest with bf about all the problems and decide from there. Be open to possibly working things out, get counselling for you and kids and bf if he chooses. Don't start anymore new relationship anytime soon. You need to address the issues that you are experiencing without another person between you (and it will give you time to devote to the childrens needs).If bf chooses to work on the issues, maybe you can come out with the loving relationship you probably expected in the beginning... if not well the children will see that you are modeling healthy choices and that will go a long way towards their recovery. Whatever you do don't trade one set of problems for another... no new relationships, no drugs/alcohol, late night-outs, or other craziness. When you have THOROUGHLY worked through your own issues, then maybe you will be ready for someone new.
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A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (17 August 2009):
This sounds like a very complicated issue. Your common law marriage needs to be treated like a marriage for your kids sakes if nothing else. My suggestion would be to separate, be honest with bf about all the problems and decide from there. Be open to possibly working things out, get counselling for you and kids and bf if he chooses. Don't start anymore new relationship anytime soon. You need to address the issues that you are experiencing without another person between you (and it will give you time to devote to the childrens needs).If bf chooses to work on the issues, maybe you can come out with the loving relationship you probably expected in the beginning... if not well the children will see that you are modeling healthy choices and that will go a long way towards their recovery. Whatever you do don't trade one set of problems for another... no new relationships, no drugs/alcohol, late night-outs, or other craziness. When you have THOROUGHLY worked through your own issues, then maybe you will be ready for someone new.
...............................
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