A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I first met my boyfriend at a party some time last year. I went outside to get some fresh air and he followed me and stayed with me the entire night. We were working together at the same place at the time, but in different departments so we never really encountered one another. We spent almost every day together ever since. Our relationship was really rocky at the beginning. He was very hard to read, and I didn’t know if we were dating or not for the longest time. We would act like we were, but I remember asking him if I was his girlfriend a few times and he would say he didn’t know. But what made it the most rocky, was his constant need to talk about his ex-girlfriends. I would have to remind him over and over again in our early stages that it wasn’t something I wanted to hear about anymore. This probably sounds like a rebound relationship, but I was aware of this. I’ve been a rebound before, this wasn’t the same. It was as if he was obsessed with the idea of having someone like him. He eventually stopped after he hung out with one of his ex-girlfriends in secret and I found out about it.Fast forward a few months and I ended up getting kicked out of my house because he would come over and get upset by something and take forever to leave. My mother was very strict and I wasn’t allowed to have company past a certain time, we were both aware. He at first said he was having a panic attack and would lie shaking on my bed, refusing to let me call his mother, or an ambulance, or a cab. I ended up having to live with him and his mother. Every night he would get upset by something and cry and sob until his mother came in and took him out of the room and made him sleep in her room with her. Or sit on the couch and talk for hours, while I lay in bed wondering what was going on. Mostly he would say weird things out of nowhere, like how I was sneaky or he would just play rude mindgames and then cry upon my reaction.I eventually found a role, I made him breakfast every morning, dinner. I kept his room clean and I did his homework several times. He constantly would look up symptoms of sickness and claim he had them. He would stay up all night on the computer and not be able to wake up for work in the morning. And he wouldn’t touch me. He would never sit close to me. I was becoming more and more depressed and told him I wanted to leave but he would freak out and cry and threaten me so I ended up staying.We ended up moving cities so we could both go to school and I took him to his college and made his schedule. I picked out our apartment, where we were kicked out by our room mates because he was constantly sobbing and refused to pick up after himself. He wouldn’t do his dishes or his own laundry. I did everything for him. He also would interrupt people when they were talking and then say that nobody listened to him because everyone wanted to talk over him. So I had to beg my brother to let us stay with him while I looked for another place for us to live. I ended up dropping out of school so I could work two full time jobs to pay for everything. He refused to get a part time job because he said he would fail school and have no social life, even though we don’t know anyone in this city, and he is very anti-social. He gets so angry that he throws everything around the room, it doesn’t matter what time it is, or who’s around. He has freaked out and started sobbing at the mall in the food court because I told him that he needed to pay half of our rent because my job won’t cover it in full. It’s usually the same, he will get angry about something, tell me to “Just stop.” When I’m talking and begin to sob. I’m not talking about a humble quiet sob, I mean a loud, close to screaming, sob. And by me talking, I mean asking if he was ok, in the most neutral tone I can manage. He cries and says that all I do is make him feel bad every time. He has said that I’m worse than anyone who has ever hurt him, and starts saying more nasty hurtful things. And if it makes me cry he gets angry and says that I’m just trying to make him feel bad, and no one cares enough about him to just let him feel bad. And he threatens to leave, but he always manages to twist it into a way where I “practically told him to”. He has a very good way of deflecting everything he does on to me. I made him say nasty things to me, I made him angry so that’s why he yelled at me or threw and broke my things, etc. I hope he has a good day every day because if he’s unhappy he will keep me up all night with the fighting and I don’t want to get kicked out of an apartment again. I also have to work every day, two jobs, and I have no money to buy anything to eat. He always accuses me of cheating on him, he says I’m the most flirty person he knows, something I’ve never been called before. He says I’m sneaky, and mean, and he wouldn’t be surprised if I ever did anything like that. It hurts my feelings and wears me out, but if I act upset or offended he gets angry. I made friends and would go to spend time with them and he would say that he wanted a real girlfriend, not one who goes off to cheat all the time. That I should be at home waiting for him to come home from school if I really cared about him. And that I should make up something to do with him, because he wants to go out but doesn’t know what he likes to do so I “have the responsibility of suggesting it” because I know the city better. But he mostly stays at home and plays a computer game until 3 in the morning and gets angry with me if I say anything to interrupt him. So now I’m stuck in the house all the time. I’ve considered quitting my job because I’m so tired from not being able to sleep, but my mother told me to hang on to it for dear life.The kicker is, that his mother moved to the States shortly after we moved out, so he can’t go back to live with her. Also, that he doesn’t have a job. I’ve discussed me leaving, if you would call it that, and he said that he would have to drop out of school and it would completely mess up his life, and that I would completely screw him over. It’s something only a terrible bad person would do. I feel so guilty. But I can’t do this anymore; I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel sad all the time, I feel like I’m crazy too. He tells me I have a personality disorder and that I act like two different people, or that I don’t see things as they are. And I don’t know anything now. I feel scared all the time, when he starts to get angry my teeth begin to chatter and I feel so scared. While he’s out I want to pack my things and leave, I’ve fantasized about it, but I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I still care about him. What should I do?
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female
reader, synchrohobbit  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I am so sorry this happened. I had a situation not nearly as bad as this and it nearly drove me into the ground. I completely understand how isolated you might feel since your whole life has been revolving around him, so you haven't been able to make any other connections. Would your mother be happy if you left him? She might be very happy and willing to help you get back on your feet. I think the most important thing to do as soon as possible is pack up his things and tell him that he does not live there anymore because he does not pay the rent. It will be very, very difficult. He call you horrible things, cry, maybe threaten suicide, but this is actually the most caring thing you can do for him. It is possible, although unlikely, that a kick in the butt will turn him around and get him doing something. Otherwise you are literally saving your life. You still have plenty of time to go back to school and put your life back to where it was before him. When I cleared out my mentally unstable and codependent fiance I thought I would be more upset but I was really just relieved. From how he interacted with his mother it sounds like he may have some incredibly deep seated issues stemming back to childhood, and there is literally nothing you can do about it. It took me a while to get used to dating men that did not need a surrogate mother, but it is so, so much better. Stay strong.
A
female
reader, Hobbit22 +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Sweet heart, i was with this very guy for 12 years. This was the relationship that nearly literally drove me int the ground and killed me. I finally rose up in my faith to defeat this demon. This guy is messed up. Youpicked a desperate, pariasitic, control freak, who is breaking you down into a nobody to feel superior, because he is a pathetic parasite. I too, worked 2 jobs, 7 days, but was acused of cheating, he too played the Playstation til 3-6a.m. oh, and if i interrrputed, all hell would break loose. I worked, to pay rent and the bills, while he sat there destroying my things, twising the table, as you saiy, to make it ALL my fault.
RUN honey Run, don't have to go through th legal ramifications i had to JUST to get him out of my house.
What do you do...YOU RUN! Get his devil out of your life before he destroys your identity, squashed who you are, then tries to destroy your soul.
He will move on and find some other, good girl with a self esteem issue to prey on, until she wises up and throws him out on his buttocks too...
I saw my x- boyfriend, almost 10 years have gone buy....he is a bum, a pathetic, loney, confused, messed up in the head, rebellious, low life. Wearing the same clothes I BOUGHT for him long ago.
SAVE THOSE YEARS honey, there is NO FUTURE with a Messed Up Wreck like him. RUN! AND FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF TO GET THE STRENGTH TO LEAVE HIM, HE OFFERS NOTHING BUT MENTAL AND PHYSICALL DAMAGE, CRUELTY, ANYTHING TO WEAR YOU DOWN, WHILE YOU PAY FOR IT, COMFORT HIM AND LET HIM CONTROL YOU TO FEED HIS SADISTIC MINDSET. You are being easily used and manipulated...WHY?
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