A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been having an affair for a year now, even though I have been married for 7. I got sober 8 months ago, no more booze or drugs, but I cannot quit this woman. If my wife finds out about us I will lose everything, friends, family (no children thank god), possibly even work. How do I begin a healthy process for leaving my wife without it all being about the affair? My wife is a good person and does not deserve the pain this will cause her. I already feel terrible about it so advice rather than shame would be helpful. Thank you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Separate from the other woman, stop seeing her entirely, with the understanding that you will return to her after you do the difficult breakup of the marriage to your wife. Start the separation process from your wife. Then when the divorce is final, you can start up the relationship with the other woman, and it won't have been all about the affair. That's the only way I can see this working.
Of course, your wife will figure it out quickly enough, should she decide to investigate. I expect you've been leaving a trail of electronic breadcrumbs that a child could follow.
That's all I can think of in your situation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Question:Why did you begin cheating on your wife?There must be a reason. When explaining why you want to leave her then start with that.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I do not think you need your feelings spared. You need to face the truth of your life. It is not very pretty right now.During that last 8 months you faced the addictions of alcohol and drugs. Who supported you and was there for you all that time? I am guessing BOTH women did.You still kept an addiction-cheating with another woman.The funny thing about truth is..it likes to come out whether you want it to or not. It make take weeks,months or years, but even if you move on into your new life with a new woman, you will not know peace because you were not honest with your (current) wife.Would you rather she find out from you or someone else? You are worried about losing everything-I guess your current lady is not worth the risk.If your wife is such a good person. Tell her the truth and deal with the consequences of your painful choice. (Shame is part of the experience you have chosen-you can not avoid it no matter how hard you try.)
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A
female
reader, Jac2b55  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I have recently been left by a man who told me 'its not you it's me'. I knew he was having an affair but he could not just bring himself to admit it.Anyway he moved straight in with this woman and told people it was just as a border, people knew he was lying though and have lost alot of respect for him.His family though have stood by him and still love him, and his mother has taken the new woman under her wing. Me the wife though is stuck with knowing that i have helped him more than anyone, and as soon as someone who was 'easier' came along was dumped.Leaving your wife is going to be heartbreaking for her. Not explaining things to her is going to make her question everything, making it harder for her to move on. I am still finding out lies that my husband has told me three months down the track, please dont do this to your wife. Man up and tell her everything!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I don't think your concern is for the pain this will cause your wife, your concern is for the repercussions to you.Look, telling your wife you want to divorce her is going to hurt her no matter the reason you give. You think that some how it will hurt her "less" if you give one reason as opposed to another? she may hate you more if she knew you found someone else and have been cheating on her. But do you really think that the impact of the divorce will be somehow different on her if you give another reason? even if you lied about the reason, she may eventually figure it out on her own anyway and then you'll look doubly worse for being a liar who didn't come clean and had to be sussed out.I think your concern is just for yourself. Just be honest about that. Therefore, my advice is - you made the choice so you should take responsibility for it. You don't want anyone here to shame you. But can you live with your own internal shame forever?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Are you replacing one addiction with another?Infidelity/sex addiction substituted for your booze/drug addiction? I can tell you if you believe you cleaned up in anyway for or by the grace of your mistress, I sincerely doubt you will remain that way when things get difficult...or even just peacefully domestic.The thing with cheating is that it's like a drug...it's a escape route for people who don't like their real lives or themselves. Some people use cheating just like drugs or alcohol as an escape. No one can ever be a "clean slate" for you, because at heart you have to perform and abstain not for her, but for yourself. If you hadn't mentioned the drugs and alcohol, I would go with what Angeldlite said, but since you did, I have to say I'm much more worried that you have a intrinsic problem that it will repeat itself with this new woman. While I congratulate you on remaining sober for 8 months, I think you should consider being honest with yourself and your wife. I'd start with counseling for yourself and work on examining your own issues before you start breaking up or shacking up with anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): A "good person" deserves only the best from someone, and that's the truth. Yes, it will hurt her beyond belief, but you made this mess and the least you can do is follow it through. If you neglect telling her the truth, what do you think would happen? She wouldn't have a clue as to why you wanted to leave. Leaving her in suspense will only delay her feelings from fading for you. The best thing for everyone would be her getting over the breakup/divorce as quick as possible so she (and you) can begin the healing process.If you lose everything, you have no one to blame but yourself. The honorable thing is to come clean to the woman you've loved, and quite possibly might always love. Be gentle about it, explain that you know you messed up and allowed yourself to fall for this other woman. Out of respect for both your wife and girlfriend, give yourself a few weeks to be alone and heal. As much as I want to put all the blame on you for this, you still need time to heal yourself. You spent 7 years with a woman that will no longer be in your life...you'll hurt too.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Hey America, I am going to be really blunt here and I am sorry if you take offence to it....really I am. But I think honesty is the best thing here. You had the will power and strength to get sober and I applaud you for that. That is a big step. I am sure your wife was there for you during your non sobriety times...and had to deal with alot of stuff when you were not so brave. I don't know where or how you met this young lady, but...you speak of her like she is an addiction " you can't quit this woman"? ....or you don't want to? I know that you care about your wife still and the way you speak of her ...you really don't want to hurt her. But you will. She will find out....if she does not know already. How has your marriage been in the past year? Women have a sixth sense about things...that men can't understand....are you in love with this woman? You can quite this woman...think about it....you are leaving the woman who has just stood by your through thick and thin for 7 years...and now that you are all better, you want to leave to go make house with someone else. If you are feeling differently about your wife...respect her enough to talk to her, try to work it out...but make sure that you know what you are doing...once you walk out a woman's life...she never forgets....even if she takes you back...she will not forget it.Good Luck
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 well the simple answer is this: make up a bogus excuse to her "its not you its me..." then don't be seen in public with your girlfriend for a respectable amount of time. later on you can tell people that you have met her recently.
BUT this will leave your poor wife under the false illusion that the split is somehow her fault and she will feel insecure about her self and will question her abilities as a wife, woman, person. you say she is good and does not deserve any pain. i really think you should man up and tell her why you're leaving, yes she'll hate you and your life will be less pleasant for a while - but to be fair - it is YOU that should have to deal with the consequences of what you have done, not just your wife
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