A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I am seeking some advice on how to get beyond the things that have happened to my marriage and my self esteem. My husband of six years (together for 10) cheated on me with an 18 year old girl. He actually left the kids and I for about three months before coming home. During this time he did and said many very hurtful things. This all stunned me as faithfulness was extemely important to him because his first wife had an affair on him. I love my husband very much and gave him the opportunity to fix this marriage. Everything was pretty good at first but I realized that the girl was still calling him at times and trying to catch him at work. He is also really close friends with her stepfather which is extemley difficult on me. I finally made it clear to her to not call him and she did not bother us for a while. I have been trying to work on my self esteem and find the trust that I used to have in my husband. I still get furiously angry everytime I see her and recently she approached us at a public event and tried to hug and kiss on my husband!! I got very upset! Am I over reacting? Do I have a right to still be angry? Is it to much to ask that he not speak to this person? I am trying very hard to get over this hurt and feel good about myself and my marriage again. What should I do? P.S. He said his reason for the affair was an escape from financial burdens not me personally.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no_issues +, writes (30 June 2008):
 By US federal statute of 1966, supported by international amendment to the Geneva Conventions, your right to be angry cannot ever be revoked. (Your right to jab the other woman with a stick if she comes too close may be limited by local ordinance: consult a lawyer first.)
However, as supported by precedent established in numerous country and western songs, your right to expect that your husband will mend his cheating ways is very limited. The best you may be able to do is send him packing, show him the door, hustle him on outta there, or the like.
As for your damaged self-esteem, think of it like a broken window. If you know how to fix it yourself, go right ahead and do it. But if you don't, you need to find (and probably pay) someone who does, in order to show you how.
A
female
reader, aschmit3 +, writes (30 June 2008):
You poor thing. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I can see the effect your husband has had on you just in the way you've asked your question. Do you really have to ask:
"she approached us at a public event and tried to hug and kiss on my husband!! I got very upset! Am I over reacting? Do I have a right to still be angry?"
OF COURSE YOU ARE NOT OVERREACTING!!! That man is YOUR husband, not hers. He's ovbiously messing with your mind, making you think you're in the wrong if you even THINK you don't have a right to be upset. I know how horrible it felt to be cheated on and lied to when I was with someone for just a year. I can't imagine what you are going through, having your trust violated so terribly by a man you married, care deeply for, and have children with. I don't have advice for you because I can't begin to understand what you're feeling, but I can tell you that you have every right to be angry. He took vows to be faithful and respectful to you and he turned his back on those vows, on you, and on his family for some slutty little girl. Please do not let him make you think you are wrong for ANYTHING. It is a completely natural reaction to be furiously angry with him. I'm sorry I don't have more advice, but I hope I have convinced you that you are definitely not overreacting and you have every right as a woman, wife, and mother to be angry with him. My aunt and uncle had a similar situation and therapy did wonders for their marriage.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Yes hunny you have a right to feel angry you have a right to feel any emotion that any given situation as this one has put you through...Your husband should be warning her off as well as you if he wishes for your marriage to survive this traumatic time. Some counselling wouldnt go amiss to get all this emotion out. You will go through many different feelings and from what you have said I feel you are coping very well....
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
http://www.theravive.com/services/adultery-help.htm
There are two sites here love, I hope they both help in some small way sweetheart, this will take time as in any situation were healing is needed does but dont give up on you love your worth so much and never forget that I hope this helps a little TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (30 June 2008):
 You and your husband could benefit from some professional marriage counseling. The two of you have issues that need the services of a trained professional. You are carrying a load of anger (and not just at "her", I'm sure) that is a slow poison. He's carrying a distorted image of how problems in a marriage should be dealt with. The two of you need to develop better ways to solve problems together. That's some of what a professional counselor can help the two of you find.
It sounds like you still have a lot of good will between you. While you still have that, please use it to get the help you need to strengthen your marriage.
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