A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:It is really hard for me to trust another man in a relationship. Being engaged then cheated on, helping him take care of his two kids from his previous marriage, father of my child playing mind games, manipulation, etc. My past relationships were a learning lesson along with the pain and hurt. How do I trust again?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): But you don't have to trust 100% anybody, not UNTIL they prove you're right to trust them. You have to bekind to those around, but it's always good to be a bit reserved in your heart as to trusting the others or not, until you have gathered some evidence. You now feel that everyone is a risk, but in fact is just a potential risk, make sure you don't keep anybody at distance with this attitude, and give them the chance to lay out theirselves! As in an exhibit, yes. In time you will have learnt who is your friend and who is not, who displays an honest picture and who is an optical illusion, by fructifying the opportunities. There's no point in generalising about men as to whether they're all players, because men are different. You don't have to assume the following relationship will end the same way as past ones, no. Sometimes closing the doors and putting barriers would impede you from meeting somebody special, and that's not what you seek.
I think you should most importantly trust yourself, and your judgement being more accurate in making the right choice in the time to come, because you will now profit from your experience.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): Hi,
The problem isn't that you don't know how to trust again, it is that you are scared of being hurt.
When you frame it that way round, you are being more honest with yourself and are more likely to properly move on. You trust people in different ways every day, so trust is not the problem, it is a fear of getting hurt.
With any relationship, even with "Mr Right" you will get hurt, that is the nature and risk of any relationship. With your previous relationship, you got burnt, but if you haven't already, you will learn a tremendous amount about yourself and about relationships and one day you will probably be thankful for having been able to have that shown to you.
Give yourself time, it can take a long time for your heart to be ready to love and be loved again. Eventually you will come through this and realise that it was your ex's bad behaviour and that there are millions of people out there who can offer you so much happiness and love out there. Have hope and faith - all the best.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 It's very difficult. I think you've put your finger on it when you say 'my past relationships were a learning lesson'. Everything we go through in life teaches us something to take forward to the future. Dwelling on our mistakes and going over and over them makes us feel very negative about ourselves as well as other people.
I would suggest you start by writing down all the positive things you gained from these relationships. When you're feeling low about it all, look at your list to remind yourself of everything good that came from them.
Next you need to concentrate on boosting your own self-esteem. Forget about a new relationship for the timebeing and focus on yourself. You probably became involved with this type of man partly because you don't have enough confidence in yourself. Start to tackle that.
Do the things you want to do, start to make goals to achieve your dreams, tell yourself every day that you are special and worthwhile. Once you've realised that you deserve someone who will properly love and care for you you'll be amazed at how that kind of guy will start coming into your life. It will take a little time and some work, but I promise you that if you start to love yourself you'll meet some wonderful person who will love you the way you want. All the best!
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