A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have known my boyfriend for 4 yrs now through the internet. I was in a relationship when I get to know him and broke up with my ex few months after knowing him. The break up with my ex have nothing to do with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I only get together 2 months after my break up with my ex. Everything went well initially. We r happy together despite all the problems we have to get by.Trouble starts when our family objects to our relationship due to some misunderstandings. I fell ill and had to go through treatments and medications. Things got worst when the whole treatment thing causes drastic changes to my physical well being. I lose weight drastically and due to the mediction induced and consumed, my skin condition and other physical assets starts to detiorate. I have always been self conscious of my appearance so this is really hard for me. I made a mistake by going for a cosmetic surgery thinking it would help enhance my appearance and skin condition. Things just got worst. Then another course of treatment. This time round, I gained weight drastically due to the medication that was prescribed to me.My boyfriend does not take to the change very well. That's when our relationship starts to turn for the worst. He starts getting irritated by me and ashamed of having me as his girlfriend. I tolerated all these because I truly loved him.He starts demanding for things that have never crossed my mind as any importance to the relationship.My parents have both passed away when I was very young. I am an only child. My parents hv left me a house and a family business to run. I hate to run the business and have no interest in it.I shared my worries and problems with my boyfriend despite his indiffrence towards me.He starts asking to be included in the business and my life unconditionally. I was agreeable initially but with his attitude and indifferent attitude towards me, I resented and hesitate. I want his to love me for what I am first before all else. Am I selfish in my wants?Then recently he met a girlfriend he had known for more than 10 yrs. I saw them together and something told me that there is more to it and true enough I found out that they have made arrangements to meet for a movie 4 days in advance. It's like a date. Initially I don't want to confront him abt the date and take things into my own hands. Which the result would be very ugly for everyone. But due to the fact that I still love him and wanted to save the relationship, I confronted him. He denied initially. But after I have presented all the facts, he admitted and even went to say that it's all my fault and he did it out of anger. I was so upset and disappointed. I don't know for sure if he have slept with that girl but I have a strong feeling that it have happened. I just don't want to know. I just want to save the relationship.He goes on to insist on having the access to my personal life as in the home and business that was left by my late parents. I have nothing to hide from him but on the other hand, I have to admit that my anger stopped me from letting him into my life. I'm still struggling to forgive him for that lie and the fact that he admits to initiating that date. Logics tells me that I should move on and forget about him but my heart says give him another chance. The root of the problem is that he can't accept my current physical state. He is ashamed to be seen with me in public. I have made the effort to regain my old self. The me that I used to be way before I was diagnosed with that illness. Even without him asking, I am already working to that direction. I just wanted to be loved like any other girl. I don't want to be treated like this. How can I open up to him and share my life with him unconditionally when there is so much anger and disappointment in me?I just want him to understand that and stop torturing me with all his requests untill he is able to come to terms with the relationship itself.Here I am struggling to save the relationship by doing whatever I can to regain my self confident and win his love gain while all he does is showering me with all his anger, demands and hostility without sparing a thought for me.What should I do to save the relationship and how do I reason out with him abt my insecurities and make him understand how I truly feel right now. I am so hurt, upset and disappointed with his attitude and demands. I just want his support, love and understanding to make this relationship work. Please advice.
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broke up, lose weight, move on, my ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (2 July 2007):
If you want to try to fix your relationship then i hope it all works out. Your boyfriend needs to know that there is nothing wrong with standing by you. These so called friends are idiots and absolutely no help to him. I think it will show a strong character if your boyfriend can walk this hard road with you.
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (30 June 2007):
 I wish you the very best and hope everything works out for you.
Take care.xx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've spoken to my boyfriend of my concerns. Even gave him the link to this website.
Initially, he's a bit unhappy abt things and the fact that I posted the question in public. I guess it's his ego.
He called me 2 hrs ago to apologise. That comes as a surprise to me. Knowing him. His ego is always bigger than his head. He shared with me what's worrying him and what his friends are talking behind his back abt our relationship. He just missed the old me who seems to be so confident and fun to be with and full of surprises.
He didn't mean to date his ex girlfriend. He says that she happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and nothing happened between them. He's just down and needs someone to talk to and the fact that his guy friends are mostly mocking him for standing by me, he finds it hard to contain himself sometimes. He's grateful that I confronted him abt his ex. And he is aware of the consequences should I not have confronted him. He will do his best to regain my trust again. That is his promise to me.
He also promised that he will spend more time with me on the road to my recovery. Well... I'll leave that to time to tell.
Thanks to all for the sound advice and making my boyfriend understand my situation better.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (27 June 2007):
From what you have said it sounds very much as though he is in the relationship now for what he can get out of it, if he truly loved you he would be concentrating only on helping you in anyway he could, instead of putting you down and making arrangements to meet other women.
I know you want to make your relationship with him work as we all want that from life but if i were in your posistion i would walk away from this man and concentrate on yourself for a while, like Jendorset said if you have no interest in the business then sell it, it has been left to you so it is your decision what you want to do with it.
You could start a new life for yourself and meet someone that truly wants to be with you for who you are and nothing more.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, Unique1  +, writes (27 June 2007):
Hello, this is very sad.... Your man shouldn't have gone on that date (and yes it is a date) -the only reasonable explanation is not because he was angry- but to get you back (if you did the same, which i am guessing you did not)... So that poor excuise is not really good!... Also, even though i know its hard to hear this, but if that guy is ashamed or dont like you anymore because your looks change- you shouldnt be with him. I bet you that you can find somone who will love oyu regardless and who will be there for you as much as you are for him. Someone who will want to make it work as much as you want you two to work. Please, dont let him be part of your business. If he feels this way about you, he has no business asking oyu to involve him. Do not do it! Once he gets what he wants, he can get up and leave or cheat ...If he isnt with you because of love than you do not need him.
I am sorry if what i said hurt you, but you have to take care of yourself, better to hurt now than later when its harder and things are worse- remember that!!
Also, i am not sure what business you have, but maybe you can have a friend or hire someone to help you manage your business and that way have more free time to maybe do something you enjoy....
If you need someone to talk feel free ..
LK
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (27 June 2007):
If you dont have any interest in the business, when you feel better why dont you look into selling it or finishing it. Hopefully you will be able to make some money out of it. Whatever you do, DONT let this man be part of your business. He may be out for what he can get from it. He should be there for you no matter how you change. I know you want to save your relationship, and i know you want to be loved. But this man is being unreasonale, and completely insensitive. Ask him about this woman, dont be afraid to because you have a right to know. Im sorry, but i honestly think you would be better to get this man out of your life. You need to focus on your health, and he is making it worse. You are the most important thing, and he is not appreciateing you. I know you love him, but if he loved you why would he do this. Tell him your finished, hes not worth the upset. Message me at anytime, xxx.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Good Luck! Let me know how you get on, but dont let him continue treating you the same way as he has been. He is totally out of order!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Midge. I'll try sort things out with him and speak to him openly over my concerns.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (27 June 2007):
Firstly, change in ones appearance is inevitable. If he cannot understand you illness, and doesnt make the effort to help you get through it, whatever happens to your appearance, then he is not worth the hassle!
If he truly loved you, then he would stand by you, console you, and love you unconditionally, despite changes in appearance!
You need to take a look at what you want. You may want to save the relationship, but if he has made is clear to you that he is interested in other woman, and initiates the dates, then he doesnt want you, he wants what you can give him.
He may not love you anymore, but he loves what life you have made for him and what you can still give him. You have a house and business, which he wants in on, but he doesnt want the emotional tie to you, because of your illness, which I'm sorry to say, isnt love!
I cant in good concience tell you to speak to him and try sort out the problem. It appears to me that he is using you for your money and the life you can give him.
I would suggest you concentrate on dealing with your illness and getting yourself better. If that means perhaps getting a manager in to run your business, or at worst selling your business, I am sure your parents would understand that you need to do this for your own health. Stress at work can also cause a number of effects on your health and wellbeing and not being happy in your work can make you stressed!
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