A
female
age
41-50,
*irrenity7
writes:hello aunts...im 28yrs old and im wondering how do i even begin to work on myself meaning 1)get to know myself and 2)love myself?alot of responses to questions involving bad relationships always get around to saying that one should get to know their self and do some soul searching or love yourself so you will be able to love another...im wondering how would one even start...i thought i loved myself, but obviously not enough, because i continue to let men treat me badly...im not sure if this is a generational curse or if im just scared to be alone...i do know that im ready for a change and tired of being treated like a doormat (cheated on, being 2nd best, used for $ and/or sex). it just doesn't stop...it's like im a magnet to low life men....my ex-husband of 5yrs and father of my one and only son, cheated on me and left me...we've actually been seperated longer than we were together...i've finally initiated divorce proceedings and it's in it's final stages now...i've had several relationships that don't last any longer than 6months...SCUMBAGS!!!....and lastly one that i've been seeing for nearly 1yr that has a gf...i've not seen him for over a week (which is abnormal) we talk nearly everyday...i decided after church yesterday when talking to him that im tired of being his bit on the side (for the record his gf knows of us and said i wasn't the 1st) he's been with her for 10yrs they have no kids...but i realize i want more...our relationship isn't just based on sex...but im developing feelings and i am hurt...but am willing to accept my role in this affair and work towards ending (even though he shows no effort to).sorry for rambling...i just needed to vent...my question is how can i begin to work on myself, learn myself and moreover love myself???????i'd appreciate responses from individuals who know/love theirselves, and for this to be possible i'd assume one's that are at least over 30yrs old...aunts i need you very much on this one...your advice will have an impact on my personal growth...thanks you in advance...and God bless you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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affair, cheated on me, divorce Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I responded to your other post in more detail but I saw this one and thought I'd give you a link on how to "find yourself" which you might find helpful.
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
~Eve~
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 April 2009):
Yeah, that's right, my life is and always has been perfect.
I put a fair bit of effort into my answer to you so I'm sorry you couldn't take anything from it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, sirrenity7 +, writes (14 April 2009):
sirrenity7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i'm not sure if i wasn't clear in my post or what...but i do have goals and an outlook on life...my question simply was how can i love myself more to the point where i don't settle for the love that's being offered or that i keep running into...
for the record i have a very successful career and am currently in graduate school for information resource management...i do have a son...and he is well taken care of physically and emotionally...
as far as personal goals they are already set and running towards the finish line...
when it comes to soul searching and loving myself to not settle for the way i've been treated by men is another approach...
this is why i requested repsonses from older aunts...your younger than me, married and have a child, so right now your life is smooth sailing for the most part...
im not discrediting your response...thanks for your response...but unfortunately, im not sure if you've experienced enough to acurately respond to such a question...
thank you again for your response and i wish you and your family the best!!!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 April 2009):
Sorry, I'm only 26, but I'll have a go at answering if that's ok.
You say you are scared of being alone and I think that is why you are having these problems.
The first thing you need to do is learn some self confidence that you are fine ALONE!
I'm married (and I know he never would) but if my hubbie cheated on me / hit me then I would have no problems walking out and being alone, renting a place and supporting my own life.
Why do you feel you need a man as back up? If you have friends then you only need a man for the odd cuddle, and if you have male friends then you can get that from them without needing a messy relationship.
The fact you say that you have 6 MONTH relationships with scumbags says to me that you ignore / forgive a lot of the early warning signs and stay with them because they seem ok for the most part and it's better than being on your own.
When you are single and you have a Child to consider, you need to have high standards in men. You date them for a few months and you do not treat it as a serious thing, you be careful with your feelings till you build up trust and get to know them. If they show any signs of being a bad sort of guy then you tell them it's not working.
Always be independent. Know that you NEVER EVER "need" them in your life and they are just getting very lucky in getting to spend some time with you. You don't give them cash, you don't let them stay with you. You want a man who can look after himself and is independent and shows he wants a relationship and nothing more.
Tell yourself that you are going to be single for the next few months and have some time to really think about what you want out of life. What do you do? What would you like to be? How, at the end of your life, do you want to be remembered?
Set some goals, take some courses, take up a new hobby!
If you love being a mum then why not aim to be running a daycare centre in 5 years time.
If you want to be a fashion designer then get a sowing machine and some fabric and set up an eBay / Etsy shop until it's going well enough to quite your day job. Same goes for anything creative really.
Figure out what in life makes you happy and then go for it.
I really get the feeling that you are just existing at the moment, treading water with no goals or aims. Have you been trying to find a man who would fill that gap so you can make your life about "being a girlfriend / wife" rather than "Being yourself"??
I know it's fine to want to be a wife and mother. There is nothing wrong with that. This is the great thing about living in the 21st century, we women get to chose to be astronauts or housewives.
But if you do want to be a wife and mum then aim to be the best wife and mum you can be and that means finding a guy who's going to be the best husband he can be too.
Set your sights and standards high. Write yourself a list of things your next boyfriend must have.
eg. Good Job, Own Home, None Smoker, No Drugs. And then the second he lets you down, flirts with other girls, is disrespectful, is demanding for sex or anything else... you hold your head high and you walk out. Because you are better than that. Don't wait and see if things get better, just move on.
Always have yourself and your future in mind. Get a savings account and get some goals and go for it!
Good Luck!! xx
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