A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question is how to to stop getting annoyed at the quirky habits people have? I can admit that I am probably an easily annoyed person, so I will assume that my boyfriends habits are totally normal, and that instead of trying to make him stop I should try and be more graceful about it. Maybe it helps if I tell you what it is he does: he picks at his head. At first I thought he had random itches, and sometimes he says he does. Then I find him picking at something.. and after a good minute or two of watching him I just have to ask what is so bloody interesting about his head. Then he explains one hair is longer than the rest (!!!), so he persists at picking at it to get it out. This he does often. It makes him look like a money looking for flees, and I find it highly annoying. Especially when he does it while I talk to him, and I don't think I get his attention at all. Then he gets mad at me because he says he is listening. I find it distracting when he is constantly picking at his head and looking in other directions (so he can pick at his head more easily). When I've observed him for a while, he will still deny that he does it for minutes at a time. Maybe it is a subconscious act? It went as far as me telling him it is close to an OCD the way he pulls out his hair. Needless to say he was offended. So, any good tips on how to not care or be distracted when he does this?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Yea, just look away. If you love him, this seems a little thing to ask.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm used to when you talk to someone they look you in the eyes. To me that is what shows you are interested and show respect. I find it too distracting to talk to him while he fidgets like this, his hands draw all attention. You know it is a known fact that peoples attention are drawn to a persons hands. If you have a lecturer who waves with his hands while talking you will find yourselves distracted by it. If you watch commercials you also see how hands are used to bring attention. So should I just look away when he does this? After all how is me looking away rude, when he is looking away as well...
Thanks for your replies :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): You just need to settle down. It's just a tic.When I take to people, I mess with my mouth or put things in it because I have a subconscious non-sexual oral fixation and I can't help it. If I don't I feel out of place. It's just something small that really doesn't matter that brings him comfort. Why get so worked up over it?I agree entirely with Miamine. He's focused on you, he's just keeping his hands busy. What's the big deal?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 September 2010):
"I think it is rude to sit and fidget with your head like that when someone is talking to you, or even in the presence of others."
He's not doing this to be rude or irritate you, it's just an unconscious habit. There is nothing he can do to stop it. People have all types of habits. You need to relax and stop getting upset for something that you can't control.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 This behaviour get surely worse under stressing circumstances, but it can't be said for sure it is directly caused by stress, because often the stress cause ceases but the behaviour remains. It seems it may be not only a response to stress but also a sort of strategy to cope with underlying anxiety and depression.
Get well informed about tricotillomania, read about it at your library,and/or have your boyfriend read about it. I think he will realize he may have,or develop, a problem, and he may want to do something about it. First, because if it gets worse he will permanently damage his hair and develop bald patches ; second because it DOES make other people very uncomfortable in social settings, and not all people will be as understanding as his girlfriend ; and last but not least, because it DOES bother and concern you, and he should care about that, I guess.
I would not advise you to tell him that you want him to stop because he looks like a flea-picking monkey ( even if it is a fitting description ) because that would probably antagonize him and push him into total denial. Maybe you could simply tell him that you have noticed in him behaviours showing a lot of tension, and since you care about him, you'd like to help him find a way to feel better.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (4 September 2010):
My bf doesn't pick at his head, but he is often distracted or looking in different directions when I'm talking to him, or even others are talking to him. It used to really annoy me as well, but I'm starting to deal with it. As long as he is still responding to what you're saying, it shouldn't be too big a deal that he's not focusing every bit of concentration on you. If he doesn't respond, you might express some annoyance to get his attention, but as long as he is responding, just try to cut him some slack. Think about when he talks about something you're utterly not interested in (be it cars, sports, fishing, computer game, etc etc), and if you just give him a bit of attention, but not all. I know that's helped me, because I know that I will semi-tune-out my bf when he's talking about something I'm not interested in. Then, it makes it easier for me to deal with his seeming distracted when I'm talking to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbma.com, I feel it is exactly like picking boogers. I think it is rude to sit and fidget with your head like that when someone is talking to you, or even in the presence of others. You wouldn't pick boogers in front of people, so why would you pull out hairs in front of people... Right now Im tilting between wondering if this is a serious problem or just an annoying habit. But so far none of you have suggested I should leave him and his habits alone and just get used to it?
I mean, everyone has annoying habits, right? And this is just one of them?
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A
male
reader, bma.com  +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I'm sure that you do something that annoy's him, find out what it is ,then do it in front of him.And tell him when you quit i'll quit. It' no more than a habit . just like picking boogers.Sounds like he does it when he's alone or bored,Or better yet put on a sexy nighty. And if he quits you know where you rate. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is not easy to just go ahead and tell him to get professional help. As far as he is concerned he doesn't have a problem at all. And isn't this too little to go from, will he really take a suggestion like that seriously? I have already asked him to seek help because of troubles with his family that I just can't help him deal with any longer, but he said it was too expensive. Could this behavior be caused by stress from his family (the family situation for him is very stressful)?
How would I go about this without being accused of playing shrink, and actually be taken seriously?
Thank you for your answers.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2010):
It's called "tricotillomania " and DSM -IV puts it under Impulse Control Disturbances.
It's a compulsive behaviour to defuse anxiety.
It is often present in person affected by OCD, and/or Dismorphic Body Disorder.
Scolding or teasing won't help. Encourage him to seek professional help.
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A
female
reader, Inallhonesty... +, writes (4 September 2010):
 I'm not an expert or anything but I think you're right. It does sound like a tick related to OCD.
If I were you, I'd research on it further or get a professional opinion because it's not just a matter of you getting over being distracted by it but it could turn worse to where it's harmful to his health. I just hope he's not eating it once he pulls it out. I had a childhood friend who did that. No one knew she was doing it until she got a real bad stomach-ache and had to get her stomach pumped. I don't mean to scare you but I think adults go through this too.
Until you figure out why he does this, try keeping his hands busy while talking to him. This way they spend less time in his head. I hope I helped even a little bit. Just let us know how it goes hun.
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