A
female
age
41-50,
*sadie
writes:I have been married for ten years....sometimes he's been great, alot of times not. i recently kicked him out and started seeing an ex. (well not really, i just wanted to show him i really could find another.) stupid kinda, i know, but we agreed to be honest if we were to see anyone and promised not to do anything we couldnt undo if you get my drift..about a month later i caught him in several obvious lies and noticed that he started dressing different and didnt have time for anything like me or the kids or the house. he started saying he wasnt getting my important texts and or calls. then i found out that he was seeing someone. he had no intentions of telling me. i was devastated because i thought he wanted to work this out as he kept saying to me. i wrote this gal and told her i was hurt and to please at least wait until after the divorce. he told me that he told her he didnt think we were right for each other and wanted to continue to see her not me. shocked and devastated i spent several nights without sleep and many long days crying. blaming myself begging for a reconciliation and apologizing for whatever i might have done to cause this.a few times i even felt that i had failed him so much i thought of suicide. all of this he was aware of and it didnt fase him at all. i didnt know i would even feel like that. knowing how upset i was he continued lying and egging me on. being cruel and verbally and physically abusive. about three weeks later he agreed to not talk or see her anymore and said he wanted a second chance. for three days i was excited and happy. until i found out he was still speaking to her and lying. i forgave him one last time, and yet again he has kept lying. i have given him an ultimatum to come home and do things the right way and live an open life for me to see or get the fuck out of my life once and for all. he acted all sad and upset. even came to our home we share and we had sex completely different then we ever have. he was aggressive and forward. a total 360 for him. he says he wants to work this out. but thats all hes said or done. i dont know what to do or expect. im not ugly. im a strong sexy confident mom. but i am a stay at home mom and he makes the money and hes the one who will not give me the divorce. i want to solve this and get better. i do love him but now i dont know whats what or what ever was real or even if he is still lying. ive asked him and i only get silence.tomorrows the deadline and i keep reminding him and he says and does nothing.i really need some advice especially from a man's perspective. i have cheated on men in the past and didnt care when i was doing it but did still care and love them after i got caught. i have been faithful to him the whole time. i dont want to be played again and again. help please!!!!
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (25 October 2010):
 I re-read you post, he physically and verbally abuses you? Hun, what are you upset about!!? Take him for alimony and child support (having sex with another before the marriage is dissolved constituted adultry). You can do better than be with a man like him. This is part of his abuse. He doesn't respect you. WALK AWAY. He's doing you a favor.
Go to school, get a career and be independent!
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (25 October 2010):
Talked to my fiance about this...
1. It sounds like you jerked him around quite a bit during the relationship...It doesn't sound like he was the only party at fault. You played a dangerous game and it turned out quite badly. Rather than being mature and demanding to go to counseling, you threw the guy and started seeing your EX. What else was your husband suppose to do but think that things between you guys were not really serious. So he found another woman to spending time with and sleep with, someone to make him feel young and happier with... He was separated and gave in to temptation...
2. I personally would walk away at this point - he is seeing another woman. It might not even be anything serious, just physical sex, she might not have substance - he will figure things out eventually. Chances are it won't work out between them. However, this is where I abort the relationship - he isn't coming back right NOW and he's with another woman, this would be too much for me to handle. I would feel disgusted and extremely hurt. It would be unforgiveable and I wouldn't want him around at all. HOwever...my fiance from a mans perspective sees it differently...
3. ...He thinks the guy is having some fun, his leash is off, he's tired of all the fighting between you guys and just doing what a normal single guy would. He's probably felt beaten up and confused. He's just having some fun and probably not serious about this other woman at all - Just sex (which to me is VERY SERIOUS, but my Fiance says from a mans perspective its not). He agrees with the first poster (which I couldn't fathom doing), but to give him space. Be kind and gentle, make the home comfy and when it falls apart with this other woman and he realizes he wants to be back...to let him come back with open arms.
4. THEN go to counseling, the way you guys should have from the start.
Ahem, I personally would walk away and couldn't do what the first poster or my fiance recommend, but its up to you.
Keep us updated. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 well girl, you kicked him out, and started things off by going with your ex.
so what did you expect?.
i think you have been really stupid here, and he's well within his rights to move on. you no longer have the right to say who he can see.
sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear but that what i think.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 October 2010):
 It sounds like he is a provider but doesn't really know how to act like a husband. Words like emotional support and intimacy are probably foreign to him. You did nothing to cause his affair. If he had a problem with you raising your voice he should have stopped it from the beginning, instead of yelling at you back. Hurtful words were exchanged during arguments but I can understand your frustration. I feel he still loves you but he doesn't know how to ask for your love. Somehow talking to a stranger is easier than to your wife. He thinks he's better than you because he works and you stay at home. Ever considered getting a job yourself? You would need one if indeed you get a divorce. Never say you are going to see your ex again. When men cheat, women always forgive them but not the case when it's all turned around. A man can cheat on his wife but if his wife gets a revenge doing the same thing, she's automatically out. It's that unfair.
It's not that he wouldn't grant you a divorce, he has more to lose if he does. There is no guarantee things would work out with the new girl. You already hit the bottom by expecting the worse, a divorce. Keep the home nice and cozy. Appreciate him for all the things he has done even though he is not perfect. Try to speak gentlely. Eventually he would see that the thing with the girl is just a dream. It's best if he's willing to go to counselling with you.
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