A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello people, I came here because I need a few answers. I'm confused and I really don't know what to do/think... So we've been a couple for 14 months now and so far we have a great relationship. We're both virgins, but recently we started to explore each other, taking it "baby-steps". Until now I wasn't ready for sex, because of trust issues and he's ok with it, he said he's gonna wait as long as it takes. We cuddle, kiss a lot, fooling around with our clothes on. So he didn't force me into having sex, but the more I see him, the more I want to have sex with him. The other day I touched and stroked his penis through his jeans and he liked it. But I stopped. I'm afraid that next time I do this, I'll end up giving him a blowjob as well. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm thrilled by this idea, thinking that I'll take a relationship on the next level with the man I love (I've had one previous failed relationship). I love him, I know that. But if we have sex, what's going to be next? Is he going to change his feelings for me? I hate the "time will tell" line, makes me think of him as something temporary and I don't want that. As a sidenote, I'm in love with him before we even become friends, it was love at first sight for me (he didn't know I existed until 3 years ago, when we became friends, and later on, a couple). You might say it's impossible, that there is NO love at first sight and such, but that moment I knew he's the man I want to spend my life with. Even when I had a relationship, I couldn't stop thinking of him. He's perfect to me, physically and emotionally. He's handsome, smart, funny, self-confident, always has an answer for everything, kind, sensual... Anyway, turning back in the present, sometimes he's asking me to sleep over to his place, but I always refuse, because it'd make me feel like a slut. He lives with his parents, so I always think about what they might think about me if I stay the night. His mother suggested me several times to sleep over, but I don't know, I'd look bad and afraid she might consider me "easy". I told him that, but he said that I shouldn't worry, because she wouldn't consider me a slut. I'm not a "no sex before marriage" supporter, but I don't know if it's ok for me to stay at his place without being committed. Or even have sex. I want to ask him where I stand in his life. He says he loves me, I know he does, but he's never had a girlfriend before and I'm always afraid that after we have sex, he might move on and want to explore something else. I need him to reassure me that he wouldn't do that. I know I'm insecure (I've been cheated in my pas relationship, ex was dating a girl behind my back, while telling me how much he loved me) and afraid of losing him. Sometimes I think that being with him it's too good to be true and I always wonder if I really deserve him.If he's so patient with me, so caring and loving, could it be a sign that he loves me? I mean he's so affectionate and overwhelming, that it still makes me melt in his arms. He's trying to please me in everything he does, even if sometimes he's being selfish, but I know we all have that native selfishness, so I accept it and I got over it, because I'm selfish too. The problem is that I don't know how to communicate to him. I don't know how to approach this sensitive subject. Do you have any suggestions? Any thoughts and ideas are more than welcome. Thank you so much!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): To the OP~I am grateful to You for posing this query, as it is issue that has presented me with substantila internal conflict sice I reached the appropriate dating age (numerous years ago which I am to shamed to share), and I am certain that the root of this conflict stems from my strict upbringing whereby my father consistently by way of emotional and verbal able instilled with his daughter's that all men were no good when it came down to respecting a woman and that the only thing a man found of woman of any worth for was as purely a sex object..AND..it was a woman's duty..moral and ethical obligation to serve the man that did take her heart, even if he treated her as if she were nothing more than a microscopic, opaque, granule of bacteria...Simultaneously, and of equal emphasis, he relentlessly and consistently reinforced that a woman must allow one man to completely "take her" and should she engage otherwise than she is nothing more than a harlot to be spit upon. This..this..has caused me to walk in lonliness and sadness for years..costed me a life of love...In my head, I know what I want intimately...My body longs to be completely opened and taken by love..but I am torn..I found 'the one' to COMPLETELY take all of me inside and out..and I am in love with the person..and the 'me' believes it irrational and unhealthy to even hold that a commitment must ensue because ot it, as how can you place a guarantee on the future...YET...strict brainwashing upbringing of mine seems to ultimately win out.
Now, in all of this, I am not a virgin..I have a daughter..and because of the way God constructed my body, both she and I nearly met death..Thank You God for sparing oure Lives.
Long story short...one of my siblings and I were constructed with a vaginal conditional, although not considered abnormal or deformed or life-threatening, which makes penetration excrutiatingly painful..and the cures are (1) expansion and deeping via the personal or assisted vaginal inserts that gradually increase in size (2) gradual and frequent widing and deeping via a human penis, or (3) surgery.
Now given the two situations, not wanting to be regarded as a harlot to be spit upon and the fear of penetration..I am sad and lonely. I don't know what to do...but I do know I want to feel and not fantazise.
~Here I Am~
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone so much for taking time to read my post and for your insights.
@k_c100-- You have no idea how many things I realized just by reading every line of your reply. I've never thought about sleeping over at his house, I once had this intention, but we were at the beginning of the relationship and I thought it'd be awkward to stay the night, uninvited by his parents, of course. Now don't get me wrong, he's a big boy (he's 26), but I believe that, as long as you live in your parents' property you have no right to do everything you want or bring random people in without their consent.
Anyway, I'll just tell him what you suggested and I'll probably bring updates. But thank you once again for taking time to read my story and making me see things I would've never seen. It's very reassuring everything you told me and it makes me wanna keep fighting for this relationship and, believe it or not, it makes me see HIM in a different way and makes me want to trust him.
From what you can probably tell, I don't really have friends to talk about this, I mean people around me aren't that reliable and nowadays, every one cares about themselves only, every one has their own problems and issues to deal with, they don't need others' problems, that's why I posted here as Anonymous, hoping that there would eventually appear someone to enlighten me a little.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 One thing I will say first that will be really good for you - sleep over at his house but DONT have sex. This will be a really special experience for you both, and hopefully will make you feel closer to him and more comfortable about the idea of eventually having sex with him. Falling asleep in the man you love's arms and waking up next to him is a lovely feeling, and I think the first time you do this is a big step in your relationship. So give this a try before worrying about sex - I'm certain you will enjoy it and it will confirm your decision to have sex (or not if the case may be).
And dont worry about his mum - she has already suggested you stay over so thinks you are a nice enough girl to stay in her house. Plus you have been together for 14 months so she wont think you are a slut, she would have only thought you were easy if you had stayed over before she had asked you to, and within the first 2 months or so of you dating. But it will be clear to her that you guys are taking things slow as you are not sleeping over at each other's houses yet. Plus you are 18-21, so to still be taking things so slow at that age is a sign you are mature, sensible and definitely not easy.
The fact that you love each other and have been together for 14 months is a commitment - you dont need a ring on your finger or for him to say "you are the one" to sleep over at his house. He has already proven he is committed to you by staying with you for 14 months, by being incedibly patient and not rushing you for sex, and by loving you and treating you well. This is a clear sign he loves you and will do anything for you - that is very hard to find in a man so you should appreciate that and not question him so much. He has waited 14 months so far and is not pushing you for sex, so he obviously respects you - therefore I am almost certain he would never up and leave after you had sex because if he was after one thing, he would have given up on you a long time ago. If he respects you enough to wait for you, then he will respect you enough to stay with you after sex and allow your relationship to grow further.
It is hard for me to say how he will feel about you after having sex with you, this is the risk of losing your virginity - you just dont know what will happen after. But all you can do is trust in what you feel inside, trust that you would not spend 14 months of your life with someone who is not special and would not love you more after having sex with you. Trust your own judgement - you love him, therefore he must be a great guy for you to fall for him. So trust in that, trust what you feel and taking the risk of having sex with him might just pay off.
I know when I lost my virginity to my first love, we had been together 6 months and we were very much in love. We were so happy, trusted each other and felt totally comfortable around each other. And that was what made it so special - the love, trust and being comfortable around each other. It was a perfect first time and we felt so much closer afterwards, it was an amazing connection made even stronger by having sex.
I think after you have slept at his house you will feel a bit different, and then following this - try talking to him about how you feel. I know it is a difficult subject to try and bring up with him, but you just have to pick the right time (when you are alone) and express your concerns. Say to him that you are starting to feel you might be ready for sex but are worried about what might change in your relationship if you do. Tell him you are worried about how he will feel about you after you do it, and you are not entirely sure where you stand in his life.
That way you are not comitting to having sex right away, rather you are just telling him you are thinking about it, and you also get to communicate your concerns with him. There will be many times in your relationship where you have to talk about difficult topics, and there is no good way of saying it. You will feel nervous before hand but the best way is just to pick the right time and then blurt it out, there is no need to try and build up to it with chatting as you will just bottle out. So when you have a quiet moment together, just say something along the lines of what I wrote above and then hopefully he will be able to reassure you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Hi well it sounds like this man does love you and respect you believe me darling if he didnt love you he wouldnt be waiting on sex he would be long gone so try and accept that this man is in love with you, if he is not pressuring you now then am sure he wont if you stay over at his but dont want anything to happen it sounds like you worry way to much as his mother is not going to think of you as a slut just for staying over with your boyfriend she wont think any less of you sweetie. As for sex am glad you are waiting until you are ready fair play to you, but you are worrying that your boyfriend will run after it but in fact i would say the opposite will happen your love for each other will grow more on a physical length and it will bring you together stronger. But hun you need to be able to talk to him about all of this stuff because if you cant talk about it then its clear you are not ready to have sex. Its not really scary just be honest with him tell him how you are feeling and he will reassure you that he is not going to leave you.
Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 If you want to have sex with him. then have it! its no big deal. its making love. as long as he makes it special with candles and sets the mood right it will make you fall more in love with each other. but the best time to do it is as a reward to his affection and niceness. the ball is in your court and you are in a position of control. but i might suggest you dont go in there with sex straight away. do things in 3's and start with a handjob one week. then tease for a while and do another handjob and then introduce a tiny bit of oral and then slowly introduce more oral then stop for a while and then start to let him touch you and go down on you and then over a week vary things up and then slowly build up to sex
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