A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am trying to navigate the waters of reconciliation with my ex of 2.5 years. It's been really frustrating for me because he sends a lot of mixed messages and does push/pull a lot. I have a gut feeling that he still loves me but he's afraid of a serious, committed relationship that might be for life should it get started again. (I know his last serious girlfriend before me was almost serious/for life, and then that ended in fire, so I wouldn't be surprised to know that he has some issues with that kind of thing.) Long story short, I had initiated NC with him after we had been "trying to be friends" post-breakup. He had mentioned that he "met" someone and was feeling out the relationship. I told him I didn't want to stick around for it and watch him fall in love with someone else. After about a month and a half of NC, we ended up talking again, and though he mentioned in passing he was still "seeing" this other girl, he was going above and beyond to connect with me. Messaging me every day, stalking my Tumblr and who knows what else, hanging out with me at least once a week, buying me lunch, chocolate... I seriously felt like I was being courted. I barely lifted a finger to interact with him during this time! More importantly, we started connecting in a way we never had before. He had always been bad about talking about himself or serious issues, but he was opening up. He still wasn't amazing at it, but it was a vast improvement. He talked about things he'd screwed up on, not just with me, but just with how he maintained relationships in general. He even admitted he had made a mistake in pushing all his friends away during all this time. To me, it has been obvious he has depression or something like that, so I try to be empathetic. I am realizing now that this might have been a mistake. Just last week, I tapered off my communication with him and I'm worried about how it will play out. We were having a conversation where he wanted to apologize for how he acted towards the end of our relationship and I mentioned how I felt about reconciliation. He skirted around it and said you can't force a relationship, and I told him that he had been doing a very good job of acting a part if he didn't think we could. He replied that he just wanted me to be happy and healthy, and I didn't grace him with a response, which I never do. He started sending me more desperate texts along the lines of, 'Let's see what we are and where we're going' and 'Please, let's just talk this out over lunch' and even, 'Never doubt how much I miss you.' He also messaged me on FB if I didn't answer the text right away, which I didn't. He did this for two days and I took even longer and longer to answer until I just stopped. I haven't heard from him in a week, though I know he's still watching my Tumblr and who knows what else. I'm really just not sure what to do. I want to make it clear that he can't have his cake and eat it too, but I'm not sure how to revisit the situation and get what I want out of it. I wanted to stop rewarding him and show him he needs more than nice words if he wants to keep me around, but I don't know what to do next.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 You will clearly have issues based on how you've been treated (and rightly so) but if you're going to reconcile that can only happen once you've both really talked through the problems that occurred and what happened to cause them. Apologies and responsibility must be given and taken. Trust needs to be rebuilt.
It's clear to me that this guy is in love with the chase not the relationship. Whenever you back off, he chases, texts and showers you with attention. When you eventually respond, he backs off. I really can't see why you're bothering with him.
If he's still not convincing you that things have changed and you feel like you need to have the upper hand in the relationship then I can't see it surviving. The issues are still there.
I hope this helps AB x
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 Are you sure that you event want to make the effort to think up and implement all this strategy ?...
I mean, it's sort of clear isnt'it ?
If he was / is seeing another girl, while at the same time courting you with lunches and chocolates etc., he can " love " all he wants, but he is not serious about either of you. Surely not about the other girl, otherwise a he would not have been courting you. But, not serious about you either, otherwise, knowing that you want a RELATIONSHIP, not just nice, flattering words, he would have got himself free of any baggage.
I am not even accusing him of being a player, or a callous user. Simply, it sounds like , atm, for whatever reason of his, he does " feelings " ( verbally- talk is cheap ) , but he does not do serious, future oriented, committed relationships.
Anyway, it's often a difficult , frustrating enterprise tryng to guess or interpret what other people want , or what they naybe possibly have in mind which they don't say . So I think the best solution is not to worry at all what they could possibly want or mean, but just worry about what YOU want or mean, and state it , clearly and simply. If they can accomodate you, they'll fall right in with the program- if they don't , then it's not a loss, because they weren't willing / able to give you what you want to begin with, and it is doubtful you can ply them with strategy and ruses.
Conclusion, as you can imagine, personally I am a bit skeptical - if he still has " feelings " for you, yet they aren't strong enough to take him where you want him to be. But, might as well be clear and cut with the minuet of I think that he thinks etc.etc. Tell him that you do not have much to " talk over " , because the situation is not very complicated, it's rather plain, in fact. What you are seeking is a stable, official, monogamous, committed relationship- if he wants to give it a try, you'd be overjoyed , if he feels that that's not what would make him happy , you understand and you send him on his merry way with your best wishes.
Not strategic enough ? Yeah, I imagine that you'd prefer to handle him cautiously ,... and reel him slowly... and see if in time you can get him again to eat off your hands... but, he is not a rabbit, or a deer, that you have to act cautiously around it if you want to take it home. He is a man, he KNOWS his mind, and if he does not, well, time to stop and decide and let you know : what he wants to DO in practice, not what he just " feels " when he's thinking of you.
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