A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex boyfriend and I broke up after a fight and mostly because he said that I have jealousy problem and feelings are in the middle. Both of us cried during the breakup. We had minimal contact . After 2 months, we met up and ended up having sex. I haven't talked to him since, it has been a week. I still love him, I don't know how to act around him anymore. Is there any hope?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): It's very common to miss and yearn for each other after the breakup. This is only a temporary phase, where you're both setting aside differences; because the detachment has been so traumatic.
Sex is almost cliche. It happens nearly 99.99% of the time, when people break "no contact," and try to make a conciliatory meeting.
You haven't changed. You're selfish. You're also being setup for letdown. Sex doesn't mean he wants you back.
It means he wanted sex.
I'm not going to paint you rosy pictures of a happily ever-after reconciliation. All past sins are forgiven, and you pickup where you left off. I'm going to give it to you straight.
You and I both know that your jealousy had to be pretty intense to push him to fight and want to breakup. You also know that there is a deep insecurity within you, and that you won't change overnight. You'll suppress it long enough try and get him back. You'll internalize your true feelings until it builds up, and you lose it.
I wish you well, and hope you'll work it out. I sound like a broken record or a crazy parrot, when I repeat the phrase: Insecurity kills relationships!
People don't have to put up with your poor self-image issues, they don't have to deal with jealousy, temper,
low self-esteem, or any other stressful insecurities people try to impose on them.
Insecurity is a big personal problem; and you're better off to address those issues, before you think you have a right to subject other people to them. He may love you, but he has sent you a serious message. He will not tolerate your jealousy.
Okay, perhaps like many other people; you're testing the waters, before you open up and offer more details. It's becoming a trend to superficially seek advice; but many are actually looking for sympathetic responses. Syrupy sweet words and pats on the head. You'll get that when warranted.
Either we'll get more details; or retaliatory remarks to refute advice that forces them to introspect, or have to make a tough decision. I welcome rebuttal; because I know I provoked the reader to think.
So when these subjects come up, I take human-nature into consideration, and offer advice in a general or broad sense. I am never speaking to only the OP, but others who are suffering with the same issues. There are people who wished they knew how to ask the question; but you beat them to it.
I can only ask that you take personal responsibility for being jealous, and ask yourself the following questions.
Are you jealous because of what he does to get attention, or are you insecure; because you just don't like it when he gets attention from other females?
Does he actually justify the jealousy by going too far flirting, or he cheats? Who are you competing with, an ex, too many female friends?
Is he a strikingly handsome fellow, and draws a lot of public attention; because of his appearance?
Jealousy is a very consuming emotion, and it can destroy your relationship. No matter how much you may love each other. The atmosphere it creates is stifling and restrictive. It has a constricting hold on the both of you.
You need time to get your act together. To determine if you'll relapse into the behavior that drove you apart, before you consider trying to get back together again.
I promise you, a second breakup is worse than the first.
It is intensified by resentment and regret; because trust was the reason behind taking another risk. The other person who dumped you will feel 10X the remorse for second-guessing their first decision. They will dislike you with such intensity, you will feel hated.
You should not offer sex in coercion to make-up. You should work on controlling your jealousy and rebuilding your trust.
You should be absolutely sure you are capable of meeting his expectations, without putting yourself through emotional hell.
I'd say. Act like an adult, and do what you "know" is best.
Keep sex out of it. Just so you'll know it's not just about the sex; but the whole package. Be open to criticism and reveal your reasons he provokes the jealousy.
There are two-sides to every story. You don't deserve to be punished for very common human emotions.
A lot of guys know how to flip the guilt back onto their wives or girlfriends; and make them believe they're crazy. It's a nasty tactic when they know she has a lot of self-doubt; and is only acting on hunches, but can't find solid evidence of his cheating. His past may be all they have. She may be right, but can't prove it.
These guys are cunning and cover their tracts. This may not be your problem. You may just feel he appreciates things in other women that you don't have. Maybe you've had past experiences with men cheating on you, and feel devalued.
Don't build up false hope he'll come back. Get your closure, if that's all he has to offer. Prepare yourself to deal with your grief and try to survive if he isn't interested in coming back. It's all about you now. Get ready to just move on. Act as if you know it is over, and you're prepared to deal with reality.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (21 September 2013):
 There's very little info to go on here.
Do you have jealousy issues? Do you check up on him all the time, asking where he's been, who's he's with etc?
If you do then you must work on them, get some help to understand why you have those issues and then deal with them.
If you don't then he's being unkind and you're better off without him.
Meeting up and having sex together is very confusing and sending mixed messages.
Either he wants to get back with you or he's using your feelings for him for an easy lay.
It's hard to judge with so little background.
So my advice is, identify what went wrong in the relationship, start to confront and deal with it, then communicate with him and discuss what you both want and how you will achieve it.
I hope this helps AB x
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