A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When I was 13 years old (I am a male), my second cousin, who is the same age as me, pressure me into having sex with her. Over the years, until I went away for college, we would have sex once every few months. I am embarrass that I lost my virginity to my cousin. I am embarrass that I allowed her to pressure me into having sex with her. I am embarrass about the whole situation. I got married to a wonderful woman who doesn't know what happened between my cousin and I. Ww have two kids. The problem is that my cousin wants to come visit us when the coronavirus pandemic is over. I do not want my cousin in my house, around my wife, or around my children. I know we were teenagers but I still hold a grudge against her for what happened between us. I am still close to a lot of my aunts, uncles and cousins. I can avoid her when I am home visiting by staying in hotels and visiting when I know there is a good chance she will be busy with work (example: I know she is extremely busy during December with work so I would visit my family during December).When the coronavirus pandemic is over and she does try to visit, how do I explain to my parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins why she can't stay in my house and why I don't want to see her?
View related questions:
cousin, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2020): You need to tell your wife.I disagree with the post that says that you equally share the blame. For some reason you felt pressured. You don't explain why or how. But you do say that you were pressured. Maybe after that first time, she had leverage of having it done once, so you were afraid that she might tell.Maybe what scares you is that some part of you (which is perfectly normal) was curious about the whole thing. Whatever. You were A CHILD.I don't understand her motivation and we couldn't guess what it may have been.I also disagree with the post that says that you need to try to keep your cousin away from your family and if you fail then tell your wife.No.You need to tell her now. That is the only way to take back your power. Don't let her (or anybody for that matter) have anything on you. You have no idea how she (your cousin) will react when you tell her that she can't come. Maybe she will anyway and wreak havoc. Your wife needs to know and be on your side. When you explain to your wife why now, you may say that you have suppressed all those bad memories and that once she contacted you, it all came back. And also, if for some reason, you didn't share with us here WHY you felt pressured, it would be good to tell your wife. Because, she will ask. People have a need to understand. She may find it odd, as an adult, so try to make her see through your eyes - a 13 year old kid. Maybe she'll need time to get over this. And it's OK. Don't be mad at her and don't feel bad about yourself. It depends on a person, this may be a lot to process for some, BUT, that shouldn't stop you, because secrets are poison! The moment you let them out they lose power over you.My husband has told me, before we got married, that his 5 year younger cousin (a man) accused him when they were kids that my husband has inappropriately touched him. I believed my husband when he told me that it wasn't true. And about 20 years after that alleged incident (and about 5 years into our marriage) the cousin has apologized to my husband, after several years in therapy, and accused his grandfather of long-term sexual abuse. But even without this closure, I did believe my husband and I wa son his side. Nobody had ever brought it up, but I knew that in case that they did I would be on his side.So. Tell your wife. She's on your side.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): You are afraid of her telling everyone what happened. If she exposes you, she also exposes herself. You are not some kind of victim here. You were both the same age. There came a point in time when you were old enough to decide when it had to stop. You had your own reasons that it continued; so own some responsibility.
It's time to tell your wife.
You're grown-ups now, and you're a married-man with a family. You will have to use self-control and assert yourself when she's around. It's a total myth that men can't control themselves when it comes to sex. If you can't, the name for that is sex-offender, or sex-addict. Otherwise, you use common sense and restraint, and you don't yield to your impulses.
You and your cousin are responsible for your own individual behavior. You can't shift all the blame onto her. You could have told somebody. This isn't a case of adult against child, or an older-child who bullied you. You continued long into your teenage years. Now you fear she'll tell your wife. Then you tell her first! You can't avoid your cousin forever, and live in fear of her telling everyone about the past. Then take the power out of her hands. There's her side and your side; so if she decides to tell everybody, once it's out in the open everyone will deal with it in their own way. It will no longer be leverage for blackmail. That's not the worse thing in the world, it's more embarrassing than anything.
Seek therapy and counseling, if it causes you high-anxiety; or the guilt is overwhelming you to the degree it haunts your thoughts.
If you love your wife, and want to protect your family; you will make it abundantly clear to your cousin that you're not into that anymore. Let her know you've told your wife, anticipating any trouble about it. Get if off your chest, and let her know that you never appreciated being pressured into sex when you were younger; but take responsibility for your own actions.
You have control over who visits your home, and who is allowed around your children. You shouldn't mind her visits, if she calls first; but she doesn't have to stay at your house. Don't you trust yourself? Is that really the problem?
Don't hide the truth from your spouse. Prepare for whatever retaliation your cousin plans. Once the truth is out there, she has no power over you anymore. You are the master of your fate. You were two teenagers who behaved inappropriately; and now it has comeback to bite you in the ass.
Tell your wife, but nobody else has to know. If she goes and tells the family anyway, you'll survive it. She'll have to deal with it too, if she opens that can of worms. She has no idea what she might subject herself to. It's a roll of the dice, assuming she can pin everything on you. In most cases, somebody in the family suspected it anyway. People know how teenagers behave around each-other when they've been up to no-good. If none of the adults took it upon themselves to monitor your comings and goings, or how much time you spent alone together; they have no right to judge you. Keeping your distance is not the problem. It's time to tell the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 December 2020):
 I would not involve the rest of the family unless there is no other option. This is between you and your cousin (and your wife, if you choose to make it so).
I would contact your cousin and tell her you do not wish to have her in your house. Tell her why. As a 13 year old, you felt unable to stand up for yourself and gave in to her sex demands. Not sure why you carried on having sex with her until going to college, but that's something for you to figure out.
If your cousin still pushes to come and stay with you, you may need to involve your wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2020):
 BE honest with her.
Tell her:" no, I don't want you to come visit, NO I don't want you around me or my family. I'm still processing what happened when I was 13 and I'm STILL not OK with what you did. So LEAVE me alone."
And consider talking to your wife about this. Sometimes confiding in someone can help. If you feel you can't do that, I would suggest you talk to a therapist/counselor.
...............................
|
