A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m really not sure if anyone can help, but has anyone ever been in a toxic relationship and know what to do to get someone away from one for good? My son is currently in a joke of a relationship with his girlfriend and they just seem to be going round in a vicious circle of arguing, breaking up, sleeping with other people and getting back together. It’s been going on for almost 2 years now.To be honest they’re just as bad as each other. I’m not gonna make any excuses for my son and say it’s all on her because his behaviour has been appalling but I just worry it’s all going to come to a head one day and something really bad is going to happen if they don’t split for good. Neither of them can see that they’re no good for each other.They’re both 22. When they met they seemed like a really well-matched couple. After about 3 months it was great to see my son was so happy and I could genuinely tell how smitten with her he was and vice versa. But their ‘honeymoon period’ quickly came to an end and after a petty argument she went and cheated with her ex and it all went downhill from there. He took her back but then stupidly had ‘revenge sex’ with another girl. Since then their relationship has just been a tale of jealousy, paranoia, heated arguments and getting one over on the other.I’ve lost count of the amount of times they’ve gone on ‘breaks’, but both just seemed to use it as an excuse to go and sleep with someone else. My son still lives at home with me and his Mum so we had to bear the brunt of their arguments a lot of the time as well as the fallout and all the gory details. Whenever they’d break up my son would be adamant it was for good and we’d breathe a sigh of relief but within days they’d be back on and it’d be back to square one; good for a few days, maybe even a week but then they’d be at each other’s throats once more. Clearly because of the multiple amounts of cheating on both sides there is absolutely no trust between them. Whenever either of them goes out with their friends the other gets so paranoid that they’re up to no good. One time back in February she was out clubbing with her friends and my son literally couldn’t sleep because he was so paranoid about what she was doing. Even though he had to be up for work the following day he went into town looking for her in the early hours of the morning because she’d stopped answering her phone to him. When he couldn’t find her he ended up calling me at 1am to pick him up because he’d gotten himself stranded.She’s the same really. At one stage she’d ‘banned him’ from seeing any of his friends because she felt they were a bad influence on him, it was completely ridiculous. But at the same time they don’t help each other with their own actions. She still messages the ex she cheated on him with whilst he can’t seem to resist talking to other girls on Instagram or Snapchat on the sly. It just leads to argument after argument between them. I genuinely thought lockdown would prove to be a godsend for them because it meant neither could go out clubbing or see other people as they had to stay at home (Him with us and her with her parents) but it somehow made things worse. Both were put on Furlough and if anything being stuck at home just gave them both more time to be paranoid about the other. I’d lost count of the amount of times they’d rock up at each other’s houses, breaking lockdown rules in the process. All because they thought the other was up to no good, or one of them had messaged this person or allegedly been to see this person. It was getting tiresome let me tell you! They split up again during lockdown but again broke the rules to get back together a few weeks later. My son asked if she could even move in with us but we refused. And with good reason. We just couldn’t deal with the drama anymore.When rules were relaxed back in the summer we had her and her parents over for dinner and despite them apparently going through a ‘good patch’ they spent the majority of the evening making sly digs at each other over past misdemeanours. They were acting like immature kids in a playground playing a game of one-upmanship, like one just had to have the edge over the other in terms of whose been a worse partner. No word of a lie, at one point she ended up saying ‘yeah well you can’t say anything because you’ve cheated more times than me so ha ha’. Honestly even though it was months ago those words have reverberated in my mind ever since and probably sums the whole thing up. It just created such an awful atmosphere that my wife had to leave the table. The one saving grace throughout all of this is that her parents completely agree with us that they shouldn’t be together and their relationship is a complete joke. But they’re both adults so there’s only so much we can do.I’d thought things had come to a head in September when she caught him messaging another girl and they ended up getting into a physical confrontation. She hit him repeatedly round the head whilst he had to physically restrain her. It was the first time (We hope) things between them had turned violent. They broke up and he turned up at home with a fat lip for his troubles. We literally begged our son to make sure they were done for good. He seemed to have turned a corner and realised not only was his behaviour unacceptable and that he needed to change but also that it was never going to work with her. He even appeared to be moving on and was chatting to another girl during lockdown 2.0 and arranging to go out with her once everything opened up again. But sadly 5 days ago he announced he was getting back with her, completely out of the blue. We couldn’t believe it. Apparently they’re ready for about the zillionth time to try again because they love each other. In fact he reckons he can’t live without her. I honestly felt like shaking him. Me and my wife literally sat him down and told him to explain how it was going to work this time and he couldn’t. He just shrugged and said they think things will be different and they'll just see how it goes. Who are they even trying to kid here? What gets me down more than anything is the fact that there was no excitement, no passion and no vigour in his voice when he talked about them getting back together. He seems utterly miserable and it wouldn’t surprise me if she felt the same. It’s almost like someone’s been holding a gun to their heads and forcing them to get back together. Whenever they are together you can feel the toxicity in the air and it’s just horrible. Neither of them ever has anything nice to say about the other anymore either, it’s just all negative. Yet they still want to try and make it work. If this is what love is meant to be like then I think I’m about to lose faith in humanity.I just thank God there’s no kids involved. Yet. But what do I do? He may be behaving like an idiot but he’s my only son and I’d still do anything in this world for him. I’m just scared to death one of them is gonna end up getting injured in an argument or even worse at the hands of the other, destroying their own life in the process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2020): Both of them are being very immature and self damaging, wasting a great deal of time on pointless arguments instead of getting on with their lives. You are being just as immature in allowing them to do this under your roof and allowing yourselves to get sucked into it all. You are enabling them and encouraging them to continue to be immature and self defeating.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2020): Your son and his girlfriend have formed a toxic-addiction to each-other. They truly believe they love each-other; but their jealousy and possessiveness towards each-other is obsessive. People in on-again/off-again relationships suffer an addiction for drama, or fear of separation; and have such a deep-seated jealousy they can't bring themselves to let-go of a person. They would go nuts worrying about what the other person is doing, if kept apart for too long.
What is toxic-addiction? When you're stuck in a marriage or relationship you know must leave; but you can't. You ask yourself over and over, why can't I just leave him/her? They actually believe they can't live without the person; even though they fight most of the time they're together. They cheat, because they have trust and fidelity problems. They want their cake and to eat it too; but cheating was really meant to happen in secret; but once they're caught, it gives them the excuse to use cheating as a tool of vengeance. They actually enjoy cheating; but can't stand the thought of the other-one getting-away with it!
You can't break them up, and your advice goes in one ear and out the other. No matter how many times they get back together, they'll breakup again. It is because they're psychologically/emotionally caught-up in a cycle. Their connection to each-other is a form of emotional-dependency. They can only have peace of mind when they know that they're not with somebody else. They draw on that negative-bondage they're stuck in.
Even if only one of them got therapy and counseling; that might finally break the cycle. Only jealousy is a very powerful emotional-response. It cancels love, and replaces it with a very negative-energy that is vexing and violent.
Both are very immature, and they suffer an arrested-development that prevents them from expressing true affection like adults. They won't allow each-other to have freedom. It's like being in emotional-bondage, or under blackmail. If they separate, they'll almost have withdrawal from being cutoff from that supply of negative-energy and drama. That tension and anger can be potentially dangerous. Somebody is going to be pushed too far.
They have to learn to give-up the "attachment-hunger" that pulls them back to each other when they do try to breakup. Even when they don't exchange affection between them. She's bad-news, and his ego is destroyed knowing she gives herself to other guys. Even when he's guilty of cheating himself. He sets a double-standard for himself; because he doesn't see it as sluttish-behavior for a guy. He feels he needs to control her, or she'll embarrass him. She thinks his jealousy is love; but it isn't. She knows cheating hurts him, and that's how she punishes him for pain he has inflicted on her.
They want to date other people, but can't stand the thought of someone having sex with their ex. People remain together for years like this. They can't detach without wanting to know what the other is up-to; and the behavior is obsessive and impulsive. They are totally toxic, yet go nuts when apart! They have a love-to-hate relationship; and nobody can explain why they can't just give-up? They may only be sexually-compatible, but that's it. They don't exchange deep affection like you and your wife, because theirs is unhealthy. They are wrong for each-other, only everybody knows it but those two!
Unfortunately, their drama persists under your roof. Being parents, you can't bring yourselves to just leave your kid out there homeless. You aren't being assertive enough about how your son conducts himself under your roof. You're still babying him. You're also choosing sides, and giving him undeserved empathy; because you're biased, and you really want to blame her. Of course, you say it's his fault too; but he's not getting that message. He knows you're on his side. He also knows he's behaving badly; but you and your wife encourage his behavior by treating him like a child. He's milking you for it!
You keep letting him come home, and dragging his baggage behind him. It should be conditional. If he wants to live at home, she is not allowed around; unless they behave like two civilized human beings. If they can't, neither should be in your home; and he will have to find himself his own place to carry-on his twisted relationship as he pleases. It shouldn't be happening in or anywhere near your house.
You'll help him to break the cycle; when you force him to live on his own, to deal with his choices, and their consequences. If he won't let her go, let them battle it out in the world on their own; until they finally break their addiction to each-other. He needs a good therapist to help him deal with his obsessive jealousy. If he breaks-up with her, he will pass-on his dysfunction to the next relationship; maybe only worse. His head is messed-up, and getting over his addiction to her will take a long-time. It will have to otherwise burn itself out. It's not going to be pretty!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2020): The only thing you can really do is suggest couples counseling and tell him how you feel worried and don't want him to live an unhappy life and bring kids into it. That's all you can do then try to stay out of it and take a step back because you can't make him
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2020): I agree with everything Youcannotbeserious has said but would add one thing - you need to create a clear boundary so that you and your wife are not caught up in the mess your son creates.That means do not invite this girl to your home, no sleepovers, in fact I just wouldn't have her in the home full stop. Tell you son this and make it clear that if he dares break that rule he can go get a place of his own to play family..It may seem cruel but you have your own health and sanity to protect and that of your wife.You have done all you can to try to make your son make healthier decisions but he is insistent on going back time and time again. He is an adult and needs to own that decision and suffer the consequences on his own without it impacting on your health.If he doesn't like it then tough. He chose this girl and continues to do so - not you. So you shouldn't have to suffer because of it, and your wife certainly shouldn't have to leave the dinner table in her own home because if it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): He is old enough to get into and stay in a relationship, so he is old enough to sort out his own problems and make his own decisions. The more you mother him and help him the more immature he becomes and the less suitable he becomes for a woman who is seeking a normal grown mature man. If you stunt his growth by helping him all of the time he becomes a baby again, a little boy, and no sensible grown woman would want him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Oh how I feel your pain, my daughter has been on and off over three years, aged twenty one and honestly it is draining. Sadly there just isn't a solution, because they will do what they want and if you or her parents tried to intervene it would probably only make them more stubborn in continuing. It will run its course at some point, either that or they will surprise you all and actually turn a corner and actually work things through (very very highly unlikely of course). I wish there was an easy answer but there sadly isn't, I've highlighted a million times to my daughter when she has broken up with her boyfriend Thad the relationship simply doesn't work but as with your son and his girlfriend they have to conclude that themselves, at least one of them. My advice would be to step away as much as possible, support him but let him know you don't want to be involved and dragged into their drama, be polite as you are with the girl but explain when needed that they are adults and you don't want to be part of their constant squabbles, albeit explained diplomatically of course.I do wish you all the best, hopefully one day you will look back and laugh with him about it and one of them finally sees sense
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Unfortunately your son is an adult and can make his own decisions. But he is a young adult and still learning about relationships and figuring out what he wants from a partner. This relationship won’t last. There will come a time when one of them will of had enough and end it for good. They will learn there lessons from it and eventually realise what not to look for in a partner. It’s all a learning curve. I know so many people around that age who stayed in toxic relationships with their young love for years until they snap. They don’t know any better yet. You have to experience something before you know to avoid it in dating and love. If it’s his first love then it’s going to be harder for him to break free. He’s still figuring everything out. And as he hasn’t had these feelings before it’s confusing him and making him stay in a toxic relationship. He’s learning about his emotions in regards to love and struggling to handle them. This is what makes him keep going back to her. Normal for someone his age. When they are done for good he will be heartbroken. But eventually he will meet a nice girl after learning what to avoid and he will feel silly for staying with her for so long. I know it’s painful to see your son going through this, but he has to learn it on his own. Make his own mistakes and grow from them. And at that age when young adults want to break free for their parents chains - your pleading with him may push him more towards her. If I were you I would let them get on with it and try and stay out of it as much as possible. He has to learn to deal with things himself. He will look back on this and realise how silly the whole thing was.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 December 2020):
 Wow! Just wow! I read your post and could feel your pain and frustration. What a dreadful situation in which to find yourself.
Your story reminded me of a friend whose daughter had a boyfriend (subsequently fiance and father of her first child) who was totally "unsuitable" for her. Despite multiple break-ups and fights, their wedding was planned. Luckily he head-butted her while she was holding their baby daughter and she called off the wedding. Despite all that, they got back together AGAIN and started re-planning their wedding. Thankfully he hit her one time too often and she finally realized he was not for her.
The reason I tell this story is that her parents, especially her mother, were like you are now. They were worried sick about her and couldn't understand why she was with this guy. Like you, there was nothing they could do to influence her. Luckily she eventually came to her senses and now, many years down the line, is happily married to a nice man with whom she has two more children.
You and your wife have had your say. You have made your feelings clear to your son. However, he is an adult and, for whatever reason, keeps returning to this toxic relationship. Even he probably couldn't tell you exactly why he does it. Like you say, this is not love. This is madness.
I think, for your own sanity, you need to take a step back and refuse to be involved in the drama. Like parents and partners of addicts, you have to reach a stage where you say "I have done all I can. Enough is enough. I wish you all the best and will he here if you ever choose to come back but I cannot enable your self-destructive behaviour any longer." Hopefully he too will eventually come to his senses.
Wishing you all the best. Being a parent is tough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): HiSounds like a merry go round, wow! how tiring and distressing this is. We all know 2 adults make their own pathways good or bad, with mistake upon mistake, and hopefully, these mistakes turn into learning experiences and we move forward in our life. I understand why you are so worried, you have witnessed the beginning of physical abuse when she repeatedly hit him around the head, etc, she should have been reported to the police for this really. She seems to think it is ok to do this. they obviously have both been abusing each other emotionally and psychologically, this is not loving each other, it is like an addiction. Restraining orders could be necessary later on, the next physical assault BY EITHER ONE OF THEM should be reported as assault, they need to learn that this is not acceptable.Maybe your son needs some big career move preferably in a new area, where he can build a new life and a positive one, something that does not involve a toxic cycle that could carry on for years, it can only deteriorate really and some drastic intervention is needed (I think), somebody will end up with a criminal record for assault and chances ruined or hurt. There is not much you can do, other than encourage new avenues to get him away from her or help him accept he is backing a nonstarter and the next time you witness an assault involve the police ( warn both of them). This is definitely NOT love, they just don't know any difference yet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): There isn't anything you can do about their relationship, or whether your son wants to be with this person or not. You can't physically restrain him or lock him up to prevent them from seeing each other, can you?
But what you CAN do, is accept the fact that his life and his choices are now his own, but that you have your and your wife's health and happiness to think about and therefore, if he wants to carry on all this drama, then you need to put your foot down and tell him, "Fine, your choice, but not under our noses, not interfering with my and your mother's health and happiness anymore. You need to move out."
Then let him get on with whatever choices he wants to make in his life, so you and your wife can enjoy YOUR lives.
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